Resolution

It has been two weeks, one day, and eighteen hours since we talked.

I'm still fighting to find emotional equilibrium, but I've gotta get this down.

I knew I needed to talk to you, to tell you what I'm feeling and hear where you're at. I was fairly certain this wasn't gonna happen, but I knew, I knew, that for my own peace of mind, I needed to hear it from you.

And there were so many chances I almost took but didn't and I was so stressed.

So so stressed.

I pretty much didn't eat for a week.

And I finally got to this deadline I had set for myself, your summer getting real crazy, and I had to talk to you. So this one night, I called you up, invited you to come wander around with me, with the intent of talking to you. You couldn't, but I had to tell you, had to, so I kept you on the line, asked for your help with a couple things.

You obliged, of course, because that's who you are.

So I asked for your opinion/information regarding a couple of our other friends, and whether he might be into her...

And then you said "and the second thing?" and I lose ALL faculty
-there is a long pause-
me: wow in my head I was so cool but in practice I am not good at this
-pause-
me: so the thing is
me: the thing is, I like you and I was kinda wondering if you're anywhere in that ballpark
pause
you: Rose. I actually need to talk to you about that.

I legit collapsed, sitting on the base of a light pole, but it's cool

And then you asked if we could meet up the next morning, to talk. So of course I agreed, panicking all the while. We initially set that meeting for my apartment, but I rescheduled with you saying that Jad wanted to meet up with me on campus, and could we meet there instead? Of course, you obliged. 

The thing is, I got to thinking, and I was pretty sure you'd invited yourself over to break my heart, and I just didn't want to do that in my apartment. The other thing is, I really didn't know what to expect. I had several things I had expected you to say to me
-I'm sorry, I don't feel the same
-Nawh man, we're friends, that's it
-Oh, I had no idea. Whoa. I hadn't thought about that
-Yeah, I know... but I don't feel that way.
but I didn't expect you to say my name so carefully, I could hear how much you cared in the way you said my name, and I didn't expect you to say you "need to talk to me about that." This implied that you knew? You'd been thinking about it? Maybe we were both avoiding/needing this conversation?

I didn't know. I didn't know what to expect from the conversation, I had no idea what you felt you needed to say. So I didn't know what to bring.

But I told Jad and my sister that night, while I was just,,,waiting, "He's gonna break my heart though, I just know it, and he's going to be so lovely and gentle about it."

I didn't realise how right I was.

So we met up that next morning (two weeks, one day, and eighteen hours ago).

You gave me a hug when you got there. 

And we chatted for a few minutes- you followed up about the friends I had asked about the day before, we talked about some other mutual friends... but we both knew why we were there.

And then you looked at me, and you asked, "So, what are you thinking, feeling, right now?"

Man. What a line to open with. What do I do with that?

So I said that I'd had so many things I expected you to say, and that was not one of them, and I couldn't believe you'd go off book at a time like this (because I'm a disastrous mess and everything is a joke because it's my only defense mechanism) and I was talking about the evening before, on the phone, but I didn't really clarify that?

And you looked so... hurt isn't the right word- concerned, I suppose, and then you said, "You didn't think I would ask you about your feelings?"

And oh, the floor dropped from under me, because of course you would, of course of course of course, and then I just pAnIcKeD and said that that wasn't what I meant, sorry, sorry.

Then I started rambling about how maybe it's super selfish of me, and maybe it's really bad timing, but I just had to throw this into the universe and know, and then I said something about how I think you're great, and I'm so glad we've been friends, and I just also happen to think you have a very nice face.

You laughed, and said that was a good way to put it.

Looking back on it, there are so many more things I could have said to you... but I figured you were going to tell me no, and I think I didn't want to say too much--because I always do--I didn't want to expose so much of my feelings when I knew you were most likely going to hand them back to me.

And then you started to talk... and I wasn't ready for it. You said how much you've enjoyed being my friend, hanging out with me and my friends as well. You said that you love how inclusive I am, how I go out of my way to make people feel valuable (and it's funny, I feel the same about you), and you said I'm so funny too, sarcastic. You talked about how much fun you have with me, how when we're together we play off each other, and we can just keep going. And you really enjoy spending time with me.

And I was stunned by the specificity of the things you said about me, and also nodding in agreement as you listed the things you appreciate about our friendship. But then you said, "But the thing is, I think we're too similar... and I don't think this would work out long term. I think I need someone who would balance me, and I can't ask you to be that, because you're wonderful the way you are."

A beat.

And then you asked me what I was thinking.

I honestly didn't know.

So I said I needed to process and then I stared out a window for legit ten seconds (and now I wonder what you were thinking then) and then I sort of summed up what I understood from what you had said, and asked if I had understood correctly, and you elaborated a little bit more.

Somewhere in all of this, you had mentioned that you were so glad I had said something, because you'd been wanting to have this conversation as well, and just never found the opportunity. You said you'd been thinking about it during the semester- talking with a friend of ours who I'd talked to as well. Major appreciation for Web for not giving any inkling that he knew anything, real solid confidant right there.

And then, oh and then, just to twist the dagger in a little farther, you said, "I guess I just want to know if I've done anything to hurt you or disappoint you?"

A million answers flashed through my brain, but what I said was, "I'm a raging overthinker with a really detailed memory, but I can't hold that against you... but you definitely did things during the semester that made me think the interest was reciprocal, and I kept hoping you'd do the next thing... but you never did."

And you said, "I did do those things. And that's what got me thinking about it..."

I think after that is when you moved into the fact that you can't really see yourself in a long term relationship right now at all, and then started talking about the rest of the summer, as an EFY counselor, kind of separate from it all, and how you're excited to have the summer to work some things out and excited to see who you are at the end of the summer. And you said how you hope it can be that for me as well.

You apologised at some point as well for not having this conversation earlier, and I said you weren't responsible for my feelings, and I could have done it earlier as well. You said you could tell it was hard for me to initiate this conversation, but you were glad I did. I told you I appreciated your honesty. You told me that your favourite thing that we did together last semester was the time I invited you to go running with me, and we just talked about our families and life. 

Some of this is out of order. It's been two weeks, one day, and eighteen hours after all. 

You said you felt like you had said a lot, and asked if I had anything more I wanted to say... I said I didn't, not really... and then we just started chatting again, about what the day looked like and what we would be doing. You had to get going, and you stood up to leave, and then asked if I had eaten breakfast, if I wanted to go grab a doughnut with you.

I wanted to cry.

I told you no, that I don't really eat a lot in the mornings, because it makes me nauseous, which is true. Also, I was so stressed that I hadn't been eating for a week, and I didn't need to nibble on a doughnut in front of you and then throw most of it away, and I wanted to cry, but I didn't say that.

So you hugged me again and then started to leave, and we joked about hanging out...sometime. Your schedule is about to get crazy, but it's cool.

The thing that hurts me about it more than maybe anything else, is that I could tell the whole conversation how much you care about me, that I'm an important person to you, that you value our friendship and me as a person, and that you really didn't want to hurt me, but you had to say the things you needed to say. 

And then I just sat there for like 20 minutes, processing. Called Gyb and my sister to talk through it. And I cried on the phone with both of them.

Talking to all the people I felt I needed to talk to about it over the next two days sucked. But I'm doing the aftermath in another post because this one is already too long.

But in that twenty minutes, and in the two weeks, one day, and eighteen hours since, I've thought about a lot. There is more I could have said.

I didn't come to that conversation prepared with an itemised list of all the things I adore about you and all the reasons I think it could work between us? I mean, of course I think we could work, otherwise why would I even say anything.

And what I could have said about you. You are positive and cheerful, dedicated, conscientious, you make people feel welcome, you remember details and make people feel important, you are so smart, and you work so hard, your enthusiasm is infectious, your commitment to the Gospel is evident in how you live.

What I would have said about us... I don't know. I feel like I could talk to you forever, you make me feel safe, we have so much fun together, I love that we're always laughing... I don't know what I would have said, because you basically lined up all the reasons why I think we could work and then you said that's why we wouldn't. Really cut my knees out from under me. It's mystifying to me that we looked at all the same data points and drew opposite conclusions. You think it wouldn't work because we're too similar. I think what we have is a great foundation to try.

Evidently we have differing viewpoints on this. I guess you're just looking for something specific, and whatever that is, I am not it.

But it feels like you shot this down without giving it a fair chance. I mean, how are we to know if we balance in a relationship or not if we don't try? I feel like so many of our interactions have been high key situations: friend group activities, dates (single and group), ward activities... But you said your favourite thing we did was that run, the one real chill low stakes serious interaction that we've had. And how you could look at that and decided that there's no chance just doesn't make any sense to me. But also, I appreciate your integrity in not just dating me to drop me later, when you really don't see this happening.  

I wonder how long you were sitting on this. Did you see the song I posted that last day of the semester? Was it earlier or later?
I maybe actually should have asked that.
The other questions are more like "was [this event] before or after you decided this wasn't gonna happen."
Those I don't need to know. I don't need to go back and add those to my notes. I need to let my memories live the way they are, even if there's a bitter to their sweet now. I don't need to draw a specific line.

Ugh. It's been two weeks, one day, and eighteen hours, and I'm still going over this, trying to make sense of it.

On the one hand, it was so incredibly validating to hear you say that you had done things that showed interest. There really were vibes. It wasn't just me seeing things that I wanted to be there. You did things. It was close- you were thinking about it, you thought about us. And it is such peace of mind for me that this conversation has happened, and that I know what you were thinking and where you're at.

On the other hand, I'm confused, and disappointed, and sad. So, so sad. Because it sucks to know that this was so close, but just not quite it. Because I get invested and stay invested, and it hurts when you care more than the other person does. Because you explained to me all your reasons, but they just don't make sense to me. We looked at all the same things and drew opposite answers. And I just don't get it. Maybe I never will.

Also, I'm a little worried that maybe I should have said more. I mean, I don't think I would have changed your mind. But I hope you know that there is so much more to this for me than just the fact that you have a nice face. I didn't express that very carefully. And maybe I should have.

Maybe next time I will.

But also. There's a part of me that's a little frustrated with you. You are exceptionally kind, but you didn't have to say so many lovely things about me- specific things, that prove you've paid attention to me, that show you know me. You didn't have to list quite so many things about our friendship that you appreciate. I know you were trying to soften the blow, but oh, there is such a thing as being too nice, and I think you were that. 

You just made it all so confusing to me....
I feel like the things you said don't line up with the things you said.

I say frustrated. But I'm not.

Not really.

I'm disappointed, and confused, and so, so sad.

But I know now.

I know now.