Realised

We do paper routes in my family-it's, well, an adventure. How we've got it worked out is that my momma does three and me, my sister, and my brother, do four others. It works pretty well.

And me and my siblings, how we work it is that I drive, and my brother and my sister run the papers up to the houses. Except for that my sister got her driver's license this weekend, and so my mom told her she could work it out with me to trade off driving.

So she asked if she could drive today, two of our routes. And I didn't think it was a big deal, because I used to have to run routes, before I got my license; so no problem. I don't mind running.

Except for that I learned something about myself this morning. Once I've been given control of a situation, I don't like having that taken away from me. I was on edge the whole time she was driving- even though I KNOW she's good driver. But I kept making comments about how she was doing things, and it drove me CRAZY not to be driving. I had a hard time dealing with that.

I think I need to learn to relax a little, yeah?

And that's all for today. :)

Christmas!

Well. Today is Christmas.
And I could say a whole lot about that...
But. Well.
I'm a Christian-actually a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Which, I understand, is sort of a mouthful. But that's who we are, it's who I am.
But people usually just call us Mormons.
That's not important here.

What matters today is that I was born and raised in the Church, and that it's always been extremely important to me. Until this last year, something sorta... Slipped. Broke. Got away. I'm not sure, exactly. The thing is about faith, if you don't use it, you lose it. And I guess I... Sorta stopped using mine. And I'm not sure why. But it scared me, when I realised it. And I've been trying to get back to where I was before. And I'm on my way.

And today, I am thankful for Christ and I am thankful for Christmas and I am rejoicing because I have found my faith and myself again!

And I am thankful for missionaries. We got to spend a lot of time with the missionaries assigned to our ward today, in addition to Skyping with my brother who is on a mission.

And I am so thankful for the missionaries. Who are basically the coolest people EVER. I guess it started this summer with Elders Ramos and Bahr.... And then, when they got transferred, there were Elders Fillmore and Miller and Sisters Fellman and Catlett.

And, for me, struggling with my testimony, meeting these super cool people who were so on fire with the Gospel meant the world to me; it still does. They knew what they were talking about, they meant what they said, and I could feel it. Their testimonies were so influential to me. Missionary work is seriously inspired.

Then Sister Catlett got transferred, and we got Sister Messervy.
Elder Bahr got transferred and we got Elder Hayes.
And then Sister Fellman got transferred and we got Sister Grigley, she got transferred and Sister Flores was the next missionary sent our way.

So now, today, I was hanging out and soaking in the light and the testimony of Elders Miller (yeah, he's still here, it's been a while... XD) and Hayes, and Sisters Messervy and Flores. And I honestly don't think I'd be where I am if I had not been able to spend so much time with all the missionaries named here.... We've had them for dinners at our home, had discussions with them, spent time with them... And they're like family to me. I love them. I don't know if the missionaries know how much they mean to me, but even if they didn't convert any other person in their whole mission, they converted me, brought me back to everything I know and love.

So today. I am very glad that we got to spend time with the missionaries, who are what helped get me back on track with remembering what Christmas is all about- Christ.

How much He loves me. How much I love Him.

This year, was an excellent Christmas.

First Off...

OK. So really this blog is just for me. And I don't expect anyone else to read it. I don't care. :] I just need to organise my thoughts somewhere.

So, today. Starbucks adventure with you and Mec, Buc, Anc, and Rle. First real, face-to-face interaction we've had since August, since we broke up because you were going off to college and I was still gonna be here in this little town. It was on good terms, we didn't want to crash and burn later, stress each other out. It was a good choice.

But that didn't stop it from hurting... I'd had a crush on you since February of 2012. That's kinda a while. You were my first date, first thing, first guy I held hands with, first boyfriend, first kiss... You're a big deal to me- for a while there, I thought I was in love with you. And that's a big deal. So losing you hurt like crazy. I cried a lot. And missed you. A lot.

I mean, we've talked since... But I've always just had this tiny hope that we could still be us, we could work it out again... And it's been dying. Slowly. But I didn't think I was over you, didn't know when I would be.

But you know what? Today, I didn't care. I mean, you're still one of my best friends. And I care about you. But not romantically. And that felt really good, to just have a good time, no pressure, no problem. It was fun, it was all cool. It's oddly freeing... To not care that way, after almost two years. But I think what really made me realise that I didn't care was that moment you drifted off...

You zoned for a few seconds, and passed it off as no big deal. But I know that look that was on your face... A little dreamy, almost a smile. You used to look at me like that. And it means you were thinking about somebody special. And you know what? All I was was happy for you. Not hurt. I'm sure she's fantastic.

And for now, I'm thrilled with myself. I feel good about life. Ready to go on. Ready to accomplish things. Also totally ok if I don't have a crush again until the year 2017.

But yeah. Today is a big deal for me. :]