Walking Away From Home

I don't know what to do about the temple lately.

It started the first weekend of April. Friday afternoon before conference, I went up to Salt Lake with a bunch of friends to attend a session in the Salt Lake Temple, which was lovely. I hadn't been to the Salt Lake Temple since the very first time I went through, back in November 2015, so the memories were coming back strong in the best way possible.

And it was such a lovely session, and being in the celestial room with some of my favourite people in the world was incredible. I was feeling all sorts of things.

But then we had to leave. And walking out of that celestial room was almost physically painful to me. Every step away was a deep sorrow in my soul, this feeling like I was leaving something so important behind me and I wasn't going to be back for a very long time.

It was an odd feeling, and a stark contrast to the sense of home and peace and light I feel in the temple.

I... did not love it.

But I didn't dwell too much on it because then it was conference weekend and we were on Temple Square for general conference and it was so wonderful and I was so glad to be there.

But then the next time I went to the temple, it happened again. And it's been happening ever since.

This feeling has almost made me not want to go to the temple, because I don't want to feel so terrible when I leave.

It doesn't seem to matter how frequently I go. Even if I'm there weekly, I break when I leave. I try to go often, because as I said, the temple feels like home and it's light and love and peace for me. But I can't convince the feeling in my chest that I'm coming back, no matter how regularly I go.

It varies in intensity. It's worst when I'm alone. When I have a friend there, they can distract me from the pain of walking away from home again. About two months ago, I was telling my friend Maz about it, after we'd been to the temple together, struggling to explain this void that opens up in me and the way that it hurts to leave the temple.

"Sounds like there's a question you need to be asking, Rose," he said, "What is it?"

"I wish I knew..."

I've been thinking about that a lot.

About what it is that I should be asking. What I need to take to the temple to walk away without feeling like my heart is breaking, my soul is cracking open, like I'm leaving something critical behind me and I'm never coming back.

I'm not sure.

But I felt it again this week when I was there with Gyb.

And it hurts.

Resolution: Since

It's been one month since that talk. I'm writing one more post about him and then... and then I'm going to stop dwelling. This is my last bit of public processing, of obsessing over dates and details.

The day that we talked, it hurt. I was confused. And like I said, I needed to process. It was a lot to process. He gave me a lot to process. But I only cried a little bit, on the phone with Gyb and then my sister, right after I had talked to him.

The thing is, I always think I can brace for emotional impact, but I am really bad at it. And it always hits me the next day.

The next day, after I had talked to him, I was so sad. Like everything made me want to cry? A coworker set down an empty tortilla at lunch bemoaning the lack of meat and I devolved into tears.

And then that afternoon I was listening to music, and this song played that I've been obsessed with for almost a year now, but man, it got me. Expectation, by Juliet Favero. It's about being in love with someone who doesn't feel the same, and just---

"And you don't need to know a thing

You need to think I don't expect anything

When in truth, the only love I need is yours.

And so my problem, though, is I can't let go,

When I know I might lost something so good

And the hardest thing is watching you leave

Thinking this was just one of those things people do for fun

And that you're not someone I wanna hold forever

In truth, the only love I need is yours."

The chorus gutted me. That's what he said to me: this is fun, but long term, he doesn't see it. And I just started sobbing. I mean, full on, ugly sobbing, just wailing. If anyone walked by my apartment at that moment, they probably thought someone was dying. And I had this sad playlist running, and it did nothing good for me, but I needed it, so I just let it happen. Full on sobbing.

The only problem was, I had a shift in a half hour. So I'm listening to my sad music and sobbing as I get ready for work, and then I managed to pull myself together by the time I got out of the apartment. On the way to work, I started crying again. Pulled it back before I got there, but then I went and sat by my coworker/friend Maz and just leaned against his shoulder. He was up to date on my heartbreak, so he asked, "What's up?" Same old. "Oh, Rose..." And, gem that he is, he spent the next three hours on our shift making me laugh and trying to distract me. It was marginally successful.

That night, I was at work and on the phone with Spo, telling her what had happened, and still really riding my emotions, when a group of EFY counselors came in. I asked if I could help with anything, and they said no, but then they started going off about what a great person I am and what fantastic work I'm doing and how beautiful my name is? And I was not prepared for that aggressive positivity? Especially not when I was already unstable? And I legit cried?
So I posted on Facebook about it, as kind of a funny thing, and at the end I said, "Whatever it is that they feed the EFY counselors, it must be working."

The next day, I see a Facebook notification that he'd COMMENTED. I looked at his comment - a joke about the food- and didn't know what to do. I make it a point to respond to every comment on my posts, but I just wanted to cry. So I ignored it.

A little while later, Gyb texted me a screenshot of my post and his comment and said "NO ONE ASKED YOU [NAME REDACTED] and I said I KNOW. Told her I was thinking of blocking him on Instagram because he were posting with a frequency that was NOT good for my heart and she told me to DO IT DO IT DO IT so I did. Blocked him with every intent of unblocking in like two weeks.

So a few days later, Gyb hosted a dinner for all of our friends, and I went. I was late because of a family thing and left early because of work, but I was there for about an hour, and he was there too, and it was the first time I'd seen him since the conversation, and I walked in and hated it. I hated it. I hated seeing him and knowing what I knew.
And I kept saying these things that felt super super sassy- like very passive aggressive and like I was attacking him, and I so hoped he wouldn't feel attacked. Gyb said she thought he missed it, Juv said she didn't know how he could have missed it, Mok said she thought it was hilarious. Made me nervous.

Man I didn't want to talk about why his summer was gonna bet busy specifically but here we go because otherwise it won't make sense. So anyway I'm a conference assistant on campus here, meaning that I work the front desk for our housing complex, wander around and solve random problems, and prepare rooms when conferences switch over. This means mostly EFY. And his summer got busy right after we talked because he started as an EFY counselor.
So literally within the week of the conversation, I'm dreading the fact that I know he's here on campus that week, and dreading running into him, knowing it's going to be fine if I do, but if I never do I will have dreaded it all the week for nothing.

Resuming. The day after the dinner at Gyb's, I was working the front desk, and then he came in with a group of EFY kids who needed to use the restroom. Boof. There it is. The potential interaction I've been dreading. I was going to wave, but then he was waving, full-on, both arms, before I even could. So I waved back- no hard feelings about my sass at the dinner, apparently.

The next day, he sent me a message on Insta. I was so surprised that I didn't look at it for almost an hour, and then it was just a picture of him with someone I didn't know, so I sent back ???
He replies that it's someone he knows because of [activity], and he forgot I didn't know her. I said something about how fun!
Internally, I'm like, Well, I would love to know all your friends, but you decided that's not gonna happen?
Also, vaguely mystified by this, because this is not the first time in our friendship that he's assumed I would know someone connected to [activity], which is a thing I immensely enjoy spectating but DO NOT DO.

Day after, I'm working the early morning desk shift, when all of EFY comes through for breakfast, so I knew I was gonna see him. The second he walked in that room, I clocked him, but I didn't wanna be weird and shout him down, so I wait for the line to move close enough to me that I could say hi like a normal person. In some grand fluke from the universe, literally at that instant something got in my eye, so I was trying to get it out, and then someone came up and needed something, so I had to help them while I was trying to get my eye back to normal, and when I had, the fifteen seconds had passed that took him past me. Like the universe decided I couldn't say hi like a normal person. He texted me and asked if my eye was ok, because that's the kind of person he is, but man

Every time I see him in this week, it's fine, but I want to cry afterwards. And then I reset to dreading the next interaction. An excellent cycle.

I unblocked him on Insta the next day. And the day after that, I was walking home in the evening, and I heard this music bumping, so I decided to stop and watch the EFY kids dance, because why not. The crazy person in my head did a little bit of math- there are two sections of EFY and they have their dances in different places, and the odds that I'll see him or be able to pick him out of the crowd are small if he's there, so this should be a risk-free venture.

I rolled up to my predetermined spot of watching (on a path above the dance) and LO AND BEHOLD who's like 20 feet away from me, manning the perimeter? He is. Of course. Because the universe is laughing at me. Not to be deterred from my pastime, I watched hundreds of EFY participants do the Cupid Shuffle and I filmed a video for my Instagram story - took me like two takes to get it right? then I just watched for a minute. At some point, he turned around and threw a peace sign, so I waved.  It wasn't until later that I rewatched my Insta story and saw him jumping up and down like a FOOL and waving both arms at me.
I hadn't even realised he knew I was there, and there he was waving, and I was TOTALLY oblivious to it, trying to film the perfect story. This is still inordinately amusing to me.

Somewhere in this week, I realise that he has settled so comfortably back into being friends with me, while I am still trying to find equilibrium. But there is an ease with which he waves at me and interacts with various posts that had been missing for a while- I hadn't noticed it, but now that it is back, I can retcon in some of the stress he might have been experiencing. This comfortable settle back into friendship is good for him, I can tell, but it kills me a little bit. It kills me that I still get nervous every time I see him in a room, that I still place too much value on his name in a notification.

Later that night, I posted an Insta story, me working on a song I had written- just tightening up chords- and it was a little messy, so on the last chunk I put a little piece of text that said "jokes I don't play guitar or write songs"
Anyway, I get a notification that he's replied to my story- I fully expected it to be on the EFY dance, giving me a hard time for ignoring him or something BUT NO IT'S TO THAT LAST CHUNK OF MY GUITAR PLAYING and he just says, "but you dabble." I replied back, "something like that" just DYING because the song I was playing was one I'd written about him two months before and just DID HE KNOW and he never watches my stories ANYWAY and WHY that one?
I survived I guess.

That weekend he flew out of state to go do EFY somewhere else. I texted him to wish him good luck.

That hit a really weird realisation for me to, this odd nihilism, where he knows how I feel and I know that, but I know this isn't going anywhere, and he knows I know that? So like? Doesn't matter what I do? Doesn't matter anyhow? No need to overthink anything? It is at once very freeing and also the worst possible thing.

Oh, but the day after that, I made a mistake. I was working at the front desk and I pulled up YouTube to listen to music and it suggested for me "Over You" by Ingrid Michaelson feat. A Great Big World. I've never even heard the original, only a killer piano version by my dear friend Als, so I thought, "why not, I'm feelin' it," so I hit play.  Honestly I'd been listening to a lot of sad songs, so it was vibes. But then I was really missing Als and wishing I could talk to her about everything (she's on a mission now)...  And then. And then I made a tragic error. I decided to scroll through Instagram and the second I opened the app, whose face should appear before me, but his?

FATALITY

I just started crying. At the front desk.

And then I posted this insta story about missing Als (but I couldn't include 'and crying about a boy' because how awkward would that be). And because Gyb is a person who Gets Me, she saw that post and immediately sent me two more real sad songs that were vibes, This Is On Me and I Love You But, both by Ben Abraham. The playlist I've had on repeat for the last month is 27 real sad songs.

And speaking of music... I finished one song and wrote like two more in the immediate aftermath of this conversation. A few days later I had a chance to play one for Juv, one that's just really, really sad, me working through everything. And she really, really, liked it, which was incredibly validating for me.
This was exactly two weeks after our conversation.

Another few days pass, and I was watching shows with my older brother and my sister, and man, this stupid comedy called The Devil Is A Part-Timer destroyed me. Basically, there's this character Chiho who has this unrequited crush on another character, Maou, and it's complicated for a number of reasons. But the two of them are talking, and Maou asks her a question, and Chiho launches into this speech about her feelings, about how she chose them, and no one can stop her from caring for him except her, and I just started crying. My sister asked me if I was feeling attacked, and I said yes, and then she moved to sit by me and they both just held me. They're kind of the best.

The intervals between crises were becoming longer and longer, but there had to be just one more to really destroy me. I had this dream one night, where I was with a big group of friends, and I don't remember who any of them were except him. And in the dream, he was doing all these things that were really flirty, and my dream self was so confused and sad, like, we talked about this, why are you doing this, and then I woke up just,,,sad. So sad.

Had a desk shift that morning, and I was reading this book, Six of Crows, by Leigh Bardugo. I'd been meaning to for a while, and then Gyb checked it out from the library, so I asked if I could read it after her. Anyway, I was reading it and then there were a few moments that just killed me- one character saying she wouldn't wish love on anyone, as it's "the guest you welcomed and couldn't be rid of" and then later, another character trying to ignore the feelings that he has. I just,,,didn't expect to read myself in that book in that way. Then YouTube shuffle decided to hit me with I Don't Wanna Love Somebody Else by A Great Big World, which was a song I had forgotten about and man it killed me.

Oh, I shouldn't go on hoping

Oh, that you will change your mind

And one day we could start again

Well I don't care if loneliness kills me

I don't wanna love somebody else.

I also had a chunk of a song by Juliet Favero, "Who I Used To Be" stuck in my head, and it wasn't doing me any good either.

I don’t wanna hold on anymore

I don’t wanna hold on anymore

There’s more stars than scars and broken bones

But I don’t know about broken hearts

The wind has changed the way I go

And now I don’t know where to start

What have you done to me

I’m no longer a mystery

Now I’m just a misinterpretation of who I used to be

Yeah. Not a good place that day.

And that same day that fool boy sent a picture in our group chat. He's dyed his hair ginger, which is fine or whatever... but it makes me salty and sad, mostly sad, because I met him at a Halloween party and his hair was ginger for his costume and I really didn't need to be reminded of that, when this whole mess started for me.

The next day, I was finishing Six of Crows and it wrecked me again (for a lot of reasons, excellent book) when people started contemplating feelings. A third character was thinking of his love interest and letting her go because it would be better and she had a future and plans and oof I was legitimately crying. It was lovely in any case but in my state it was not ideal.

In perks, I got a new phone, so his name stops showing up in my autocorrect.
Didn't realise how often I had typed his name until I didn't want to and it was always a suggestion, so it's nice that it's gone.

I'm writing another sad song. It's almost done. I've had like three more days this week where I wanted to cry. Definitely did cry.

It has been exactly one month since we talked and I don't want to cry anymore. Unfortunately for me, I feel too much of everything.

I'm also dreading his return to this state. He's gonna be back for EFY either this coming week or the next (Mok is finding out for me so I can brace) and I am dreading his return. Every time I see his face I wanna cry. Social media is highkey the worst. And I don't know what it's going to be to be friends with him, hang out with our friends, when he'll be just as wonderful as he ever was and I'll be sitting here with all these feelings I don't know what to do with. But also I miss him and I want him back. I'm afraid it's going to suck.

I know I should stop thinking about this but I can't.

It's been a month.

Resolution

It has been two weeks, one day, and eighteen hours since we talked.

I'm still fighting to find emotional equilibrium, but I've gotta get this down.

I knew I needed to talk to you, to tell you what I'm feeling and hear where you're at. I was fairly certain this wasn't gonna happen, but I knew, I knew, that for my own peace of mind, I needed to hear it from you.

And there were so many chances I almost took but didn't and I was so stressed.

So so stressed.

I pretty much didn't eat for a week.

And I finally got to this deadline I had set for myself, your summer getting real crazy, and I had to talk to you. So this one night, I called you up, invited you to come wander around with me, with the intent of talking to you. You couldn't, but I had to tell you, had to, so I kept you on the line, asked for your help with a couple things.

You obliged, of course, because that's who you are.

So I asked for your opinion/information regarding a couple of our other friends, and whether he might be into her...

And then you said "and the second thing?" and I lose ALL faculty
-there is a long pause-
me: wow in my head I was so cool but in practice I am not good at this
-pause-
me: so the thing is
me: the thing is, I like you and I was kinda wondering if you're anywhere in that ballpark
pause
you: Rose. I actually need to talk to you about that.

I legit collapsed, sitting on the base of a light pole, but it's cool

And then you asked if we could meet up the next morning, to talk. So of course I agreed, panicking all the while. We initially set that meeting for my apartment, but I rescheduled with you saying that Jad wanted to meet up with me on campus, and could we meet there instead? Of course, you obliged. 

The thing is, I got to thinking, and I was pretty sure you'd invited yourself over to break my heart, and I just didn't want to do that in my apartment. The other thing is, I really didn't know what to expect. I had several things I had expected you to say to me
-I'm sorry, I don't feel the same
-Nawh man, we're friends, that's it
-Oh, I had no idea. Whoa. I hadn't thought about that
-Yeah, I know... but I don't feel that way.
but I didn't expect you to say my name so carefully, I could hear how much you cared in the way you said my name, and I didn't expect you to say you "need to talk to me about that." This implied that you knew? You'd been thinking about it? Maybe we were both avoiding/needing this conversation?

I didn't know. I didn't know what to expect from the conversation, I had no idea what you felt you needed to say. So I didn't know what to bring.

But I told Jad and my sister that night, while I was just,,,waiting, "He's gonna break my heart though, I just know it, and he's going to be so lovely and gentle about it."

I didn't realise how right I was.

So we met up that next morning (two weeks, one day, and eighteen hours ago).

You gave me a hug when you got there. 

And we chatted for a few minutes- you followed up about the friends I had asked about the day before, we talked about some other mutual friends... but we both knew why we were there.

And then you looked at me, and you asked, "So, what are you thinking, feeling, right now?"

Man. What a line to open with. What do I do with that?

So I said that I'd had so many things I expected you to say, and that was not one of them, and I couldn't believe you'd go off book at a time like this (because I'm a disastrous mess and everything is a joke because it's my only defense mechanism) and I was talking about the evening before, on the phone, but I didn't really clarify that?

And you looked so... hurt isn't the right word- concerned, I suppose, and then you said, "You didn't think I would ask you about your feelings?"

And oh, the floor dropped from under me, because of course you would, of course of course of course, and then I just pAnIcKeD and said that that wasn't what I meant, sorry, sorry.

Then I started rambling about how maybe it's super selfish of me, and maybe it's really bad timing, but I just had to throw this into the universe and know, and then I said something about how I think you're great, and I'm so glad we've been friends, and I just also happen to think you have a very nice face.

You laughed, and said that was a good way to put it.

Looking back on it, there are so many more things I could have said to you... but I figured you were going to tell me no, and I think I didn't want to say too much--because I always do--I didn't want to expose so much of my feelings when I knew you were most likely going to hand them back to me.

And then you started to talk... and I wasn't ready for it. You said how much you've enjoyed being my friend, hanging out with me and my friends as well. You said that you love how inclusive I am, how I go out of my way to make people feel valuable (and it's funny, I feel the same about you), and you said I'm so funny too, sarcastic. You talked about how much fun you have with me, how when we're together we play off each other, and we can just keep going. And you really enjoy spending time with me.

And I was stunned by the specificity of the things you said about me, and also nodding in agreement as you listed the things you appreciate about our friendship. But then you said, "But the thing is, I think we're too similar... and I don't think this would work out long term. I think I need someone who would balance me, and I can't ask you to be that, because you're wonderful the way you are."

A beat.

And then you asked me what I was thinking.

I honestly didn't know.

So I said I needed to process and then I stared out a window for legit ten seconds (and now I wonder what you were thinking then) and then I sort of summed up what I understood from what you had said, and asked if I had understood correctly, and you elaborated a little bit more.

Somewhere in all of this, you had mentioned that you were so glad I had said something, because you'd been wanting to have this conversation as well, and just never found the opportunity. You said you'd been thinking about it during the semester- talking with a friend of ours who I'd talked to as well. Major appreciation for Web for not giving any inkling that he knew anything, real solid confidant right there.

And then, oh and then, just to twist the dagger in a little farther, you said, "I guess I just want to know if I've done anything to hurt you or disappoint you?"

A million answers flashed through my brain, but what I said was, "I'm a raging overthinker with a really detailed memory, but I can't hold that against you... but you definitely did things during the semester that made me think the interest was reciprocal, and I kept hoping you'd do the next thing... but you never did."

And you said, "I did do those things. And that's what got me thinking about it..."

I think after that is when you moved into the fact that you can't really see yourself in a long term relationship right now at all, and then started talking about the rest of the summer, as an EFY counselor, kind of separate from it all, and how you're excited to have the summer to work some things out and excited to see who you are at the end of the summer. And you said how you hope it can be that for me as well.

You apologised at some point as well for not having this conversation earlier, and I said you weren't responsible for my feelings, and I could have done it earlier as well. You said you could tell it was hard for me to initiate this conversation, but you were glad I did. I told you I appreciated your honesty. You told me that your favourite thing that we did together last semester was the time I invited you to go running with me, and we just talked about our families and life. 

Some of this is out of order. It's been two weeks, one day, and eighteen hours after all. 

You said you felt like you had said a lot, and asked if I had anything more I wanted to say... I said I didn't, not really... and then we just started chatting again, about what the day looked like and what we would be doing. You had to get going, and you stood up to leave, and then asked if I had eaten breakfast, if I wanted to go grab a doughnut with you.

I wanted to cry.

I told you no, that I don't really eat a lot in the mornings, because it makes me nauseous, which is true. Also, I was so stressed that I hadn't been eating for a week, and I didn't need to nibble on a doughnut in front of you and then throw most of it away, and I wanted to cry, but I didn't say that.

So you hugged me again and then started to leave, and we joked about hanging out...sometime. Your schedule is about to get crazy, but it's cool.

The thing that hurts me about it more than maybe anything else, is that I could tell the whole conversation how much you care about me, that I'm an important person to you, that you value our friendship and me as a person, and that you really didn't want to hurt me, but you had to say the things you needed to say. 

And then I just sat there for like 20 minutes, processing. Called Gyb and my sister to talk through it. And I cried on the phone with both of them.

Talking to all the people I felt I needed to talk to about it over the next two days sucked. But I'm doing the aftermath in another post because this one is already too long.

But in that twenty minutes, and in the two weeks, one day, and eighteen hours since, I've thought about a lot. There is more I could have said.

I didn't come to that conversation prepared with an itemised list of all the things I adore about you and all the reasons I think it could work between us? I mean, of course I think we could work, otherwise why would I even say anything.

And what I could have said about you. You are positive and cheerful, dedicated, conscientious, you make people feel welcome, you remember details and make people feel important, you are so smart, and you work so hard, your enthusiasm is infectious, your commitment to the Gospel is evident in how you live.

What I would have said about us... I don't know. I feel like I could talk to you forever, you make me feel safe, we have so much fun together, I love that we're always laughing... I don't know what I would have said, because you basically lined up all the reasons why I think we could work and then you said that's why we wouldn't. Really cut my knees out from under me. It's mystifying to me that we looked at all the same data points and drew opposite conclusions. You think it wouldn't work because we're too similar. I think what we have is a great foundation to try.

Evidently we have differing viewpoints on this. I guess you're just looking for something specific, and whatever that is, I am not it.

But it feels like you shot this down without giving it a fair chance. I mean, how are we to know if we balance in a relationship or not if we don't try? I feel like so many of our interactions have been high key situations: friend group activities, dates (single and group), ward activities... But you said your favourite thing we did was that run, the one real chill low stakes serious interaction that we've had. And how you could look at that and decided that there's no chance just doesn't make any sense to me. But also, I appreciate your integrity in not just dating me to drop me later, when you really don't see this happening.  

I wonder how long you were sitting on this. Did you see the song I posted that last day of the semester? Was it earlier or later?
I maybe actually should have asked that.
The other questions are more like "was [this event] before or after you decided this wasn't gonna happen."
Those I don't need to know. I don't need to go back and add those to my notes. I need to let my memories live the way they are, even if there's a bitter to their sweet now. I don't need to draw a specific line.

Ugh. It's been two weeks, one day, and eighteen hours, and I'm still going over this, trying to make sense of it.

On the one hand, it was so incredibly validating to hear you say that you had done things that showed interest. There really were vibes. It wasn't just me seeing things that I wanted to be there. You did things. It was close- you were thinking about it, you thought about us. And it is such peace of mind for me that this conversation has happened, and that I know what you were thinking and where you're at.

On the other hand, I'm confused, and disappointed, and sad. So, so sad. Because it sucks to know that this was so close, but just not quite it. Because I get invested and stay invested, and it hurts when you care more than the other person does. Because you explained to me all your reasons, but they just don't make sense to me. We looked at all the same things and drew opposite answers. And I just don't get it. Maybe I never will.

Also, I'm a little worried that maybe I should have said more. I mean, I don't think I would have changed your mind. But I hope you know that there is so much more to this for me than just the fact that you have a nice face. I didn't express that very carefully. And maybe I should have.

Maybe next time I will.

But also. There's a part of me that's a little frustrated with you. You are exceptionally kind, but you didn't have to say so many lovely things about me- specific things, that prove you've paid attention to me, that show you know me. You didn't have to list quite so many things about our friendship that you appreciate. I know you were trying to soften the blow, but oh, there is such a thing as being too nice, and I think you were that. 

You just made it all so confusing to me....
I feel like the things you said don't line up with the things you said.

I say frustrated. But I'm not.

Not really.

I'm disappointed, and confused, and so, so sad.

But I know now.

I know now.