Taking Things Personally

This school year has been... Well, sort of rough for me. I've just had all sorts of junk happening. Not that any of it's really been all that significant, it's just that it all piles up and up and then it overwhelms me.

The big issue is my friends. I've had this awful feeling this year, like I've lost everyone who was really close to me. All my close friends from the last few years? Gone, in one form or another.

My big brother is on a mission in Mexico now- no asking him for advice on a daily basis.
Syb went off to college, and we never really talk anymore.
Mec went to college too, and we talk, but it's not the same, of course. And actually, every time I try to talk to her, she's busy or tired or in a bad mood... So we actually don't really talk. And that hurts.
Tak is actually the now-in-college-friend that I talk to the most. Which is a little odd, considering the whole dating-then-breaking-up-because-he-went-to-college thing. It's pretty chill, but still. There's no way we're as close as we used to be, even before we were together.

And then there's Rag, Rle, and Ael, who are all in my grade. Rag was one of the first friends I made here, Rle and I bonded over band freshman year, and Ael and I are sort of a fluke... But of the most wonderful variety.
Except for that this whole year, I've felt like I'm always their third choice, at best. They always have someone else to hang out with, to talk to, I'm always the last one in the loop.
I've spent this whole school year saying, "What are you talking about? What's up? Wait, you never told me about that!" and the like. And honestly? That HURTS like I never imagined. I don't know whether it's my fault or their fault that this gap has grown, but it did. And I don't like it.

And the thing is, I thought it had been getting better. And then earlier this week, we were supposed to set up rooms of four people for a trip our choir is going on. And Rag and Rle set up a room with two of our other friends without even glancing at me. And I'd talked to Rag about maybe doing something. But it didn't occur to either of them that maybe I'd like to room with them. And that just... I was upset about it. I still am, a little.

And then, between the day of room-setting-up-ness and today, I had to take this personality test for one of my classes. I've taken it a few times before, and every time I get the same result: ENFP (Extraverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Perceiving/Prospecting). But this week... I thought about it a little more, because I was in such a funk about this whole year and my friends and whatnot.

And I realised something. As a whole, the ENFP description is excellent for me, but especially the Feeling part. It's always the highest percentage when I take the test, the trait in which I am farthest away from its opposite. And reading the ENFP description again so close to this incident that upset me so much, I noticed this:

"ENFP personalities are very emotional and sensitive, seeing feelings as something that everyone should take time to understand and express. However, this trait can also cause a lot of stress for them as ENFPs may often focus too much on other people’s motives and possible meanings of their actions. People with this personality type are observant and intuitive, but can make serious mistakes trying to use their interpretation of other people’s emotions as a basis for their decisions."

And this:

ENFP weaknesses

• Highly emotional. ENFP personalities tend to have very intense emotions, seeing them as an inseparable part of their identity. This may often cause the ENFP to react strongly to criticism, conflicts or tension.
• Overthink things. ENFPs always look for hidden motives and tend to overthink even the simplest things, constantly asking themselves why someone did what they did and what that might mean.
• Get stressed easily. ENFPs are very sensitive and care deeply about other people’s feelings – this can cause them a lot of stress sometimes as people often look toward them for guidance and encouragement, and the ENFP cannot always say “yes”.

 And I realised, that maybe that's why I've been so upset about life this year. Because these incredibly emotional sides of my personality type are very true for me. And they could help explain why I act the way I do.

Honestly, Rle, Ael, and Rag probably have no idea what they're doing.

And maybe I just need to be a little bit less of the F in ENFP and stop taking everything so personally.

Books.

So, I have a problem. I get really attached to characters in books, and I get really upset on their behalf. Also excited. And basically everything else. Pretty much, I don't need a life because I live in fiction, in ink and pages.

You think I'm kidding, but I'm not.

I have a list of fictional characters that I'm in love with. I mean, I've written it down and everything- in no specific order, but I've done it. And it just keeps getting longer.

Classic case? The Bartimaeus Trilogy, by Jonathon Stroud. I've been in love with Nathaniel for... at least five years. And every time I reread the series, I fall for him again. Also, Kitty and Bartimaeus are all SORTS of awesome, a kick-butt girl and a smart-aleck djinni. EPIC. And OHMYGOODNESS. The ending of the series is SO perfect, but I honestly cried for two hours the first time I read it, and have cried every time since then. Absolutely fantastic books, though.

Recent offender? The Fault In Our Stars, by John Green. I discovered this book yesterday and devoured it, finished today. It's GORGEOUS, and it really makes you think about a lot of things, but it's also totally a tear-jerker. But then, it is a book about teen cancer patients, and life, and love, and everything. It's AMAZING. And Augustus Waters has been added to The List, totally. He's ADORABLE. But yeah, definitely a book I cried over. And will if-- actually, when, I read it again.

I'm honestly trying to figure out why it is that I get so attached to fictional people, why I can absolutely get lost in the world of a book and wish I could be there. In the meantime, if you care to join me, this is The List.

It's not complete. And it's not in order. And it's not even all the books I love. Just the characters I'm in love with from some of them. But all of these books are excellent!

THE LIST

Peter Pevensie------The Chronicles of Narnia, C.S. Lewis
Edmund Pevensie
Prince Caspian
Nathaniel------------The Bartimaeus Trilogy, Jonathon Stroud
Oskan---------------The Icemark Trilogy, Stuart Hale
Charlemagne
Gilbert Blythe-------The Anne of Green Gables Series, L.M. Montgomery
Walter Blythe
Jem Blythe
Ken Ford
Corlath--------------The Blue Sword, Robin McKinley
Geric----------------The Books of Bayern, Shannon Hale
Finn
Razo
Conrad
Howl-----------------Howl's Moving Castle series, Diana Wynne Jones
Michael
Abdullah
Peter
Ron Weasley---------The Harry Potter series, J.K. Rowling
Neville Longbottom
Viktor Krum
Twig-----------------The Edge Chronicles, Paul Steward and Chris Riddell
Quint
Rook
Nate
Peder----------------The Princess Academy, Shannon Hale
Steffan
Nico Di Angelo--------The Percy Jackson Series, Rick Riordan
Leo Valdez
Frank Zhang
Percy Jackson
Jason Grace
Magnus Bane---------The Mortal Instruments series, Cassandra Clare
Jace Wayland
Simon Lewis
Augustus Waters-----The Fault In Our Stars, John Green


Ummm.... That's about all for now. But yeah. If you don't read, you SHOULD. Books are magic!

I Stink At Titles, & That's What's Up

Wellza. This weekend we got to meet our new missionaries (People Moving On? Jan. 8). We had all the missionaries over for dinner on Sunday night, which is always super fun!

Elder Miller's new companion is Elder Brito. He's cool- a little quiet, but then, English is his second language and my family is really loud and moves fast in a conversation... I think he'll warm up to us. :) But he's excited about missionary work and I'm excited to have him here!

I get all upset when missionaries leave, because I just love them so much... But then I love the new missionaries! So I guess it all works out!

And Sister Messervy's new companion is Sister Purcell- she's already graduated from college and worked a couple of years, so she's a bit older than most missionaries, but she's AWESOME. She thinks our family is great, and we had a bonding moment over the movie Frozen, which she saw right before she left on her mission- she's also the second child, and Frozen is a movie for us! (I'm gonna have to write a post about Frozen... XD) And she loves the Church and the Gospel. Great.

I love our new missionaries!

Umm... That was short. I thought I'd say more.

Other things.

Nope.

Missionaries are AWESOME! :)

Yeesh.

This week has been crazy. There were a lot of things I was going to say. But I had no time to post. So I'm just going to post this poem that my English teacher read us yesterday, which I absolutely adore.

If-
Rudyard Kipling

IF you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or being hated, don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise: If you can dream - and not make dreams your master; If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools: If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breathe a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!' If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch, If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, If all men count with you, but none too much; If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds' worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son! I just.... Whoa. So good. That last bit- "If you can feel the unforgiving minute/ With sixty seconds' worth of distance run" especially resonated with me... Maybe because I run. Wow. Absolutely beautiful. This is why I love poetry.

Birthdays & a Brother & Bassoon & Band!

Today's post is full of random. Fair warning.

Yesterday was the birthday of two of my dearest friends, Spo and Tri.

I've been close to Spo since the fifth grade, back in Podunk- and random things I remember, the first real conversation we had was about cancer; her uncle had it and so did my grandma. And so that's what a pair of eleven year-old girls bonded over. Great, right? She's amazing, and hilarious, and funny, and she's been one of the things that has kept me sane. She's listened to me vent and cry and tell funny stories and I've done the same for her, and I love her a ton! Since I moved away from Podunk two and a half years ago, she's one of the only people I still talk to. Talking to her always makes my week- I kid you not when I tell you that sometimes we crack jokes that are five years old and still laugh hysterically. She's just fantastic.

(Also, just for the record, we talk on the phone. Like, not texting. That's right, teenagers still know how to do that!)

And then there's Tri. I met her a few months after I moved out here to Myneton, when she moved here too. She was in my ward, and I spent the first few moths she moved here trying to get her to come to seminary, come to Mutual, get involved. She was being home schooled. I was actually super obnoxious, but she told me later that my efforts to reach out to her meant a lot to her. She's helped me through some hard stuff, and I've been there for her, and I am very glad I know her, even though she moved away less than a year after she got here. Tragic.

So I talked to both of them yesterday, and I just think they are fantastic and you all need to know that!

I say you all but I seriously doubt anyone actually reads this blog. Ha. ;)

On the subject of birthdays, later this week is Rle's birthday, which I'm excited about, because I just love her! I'll probably devote a whole post to her later. There is a LOT I could say. 

And! Next Monday is my big brother's birthday! He's currently on a mission in Mexico, and just for the record, he writes THE COOLEST letters home! But I've been working on a letter for him, and it's kind of a huge one. Ok, so all of my letters to him are super long. But this one's a really big deal. My older brother is one of the best people on the planet. He's a role model to me, and I really look up to him and I love him a lot. So. Yeah. Birthday letter? Big deal!

Also, two of my cousins have birthdays this month, and my dad and my aunt. Crazy busy, right?

And the last thing for today is band. Our region's honour band is this week, and I'm in it- I play bassoon actually. If you don't know what a bassoon is, here:

Anyhow. Best instrument ever! I've been playing since the sixth grade. Love it! But! Honour band. All the best instrumentalists from the surrounding schools get to come patrticipate- it's sorta a big deal. Except that Myneton is the biggest city in the area and our high school has an enrollment of about 1300. The other schools are even smaller, and super spread out, because we live in the rural middle of nowhere. But that's ok!

So there's about 100 band geeks on a stage, and we rehearse all day today and all day tomorrow and then we do a concert and everyone goes home. It's super cool. And our guest conductor is from a high school in the next state over that has one of the best bands ever- it's marching band has won the Bands of America competition under his direction multiple times, and the concert band is better than many college ensembles. And he's a crazy good director, so it's basically a blast.

Except for that today, I had a tragic occurrence. I broke the bocal of my bassoon, snapped right in two. BAD. BADBADBADBADBADBADBADBADBAD! Thankfully, I have an extra bocal, but I'm going to have to replace the other one-and it's actually my school's instrument. So. There's that. I'm super upset about it, though, because it was so STUPID and AWFUL. I've been playing since sixth grade. SIXTH GRADE. And I've never damaged my instrument like that. Ugh. I felt so bad about it. Miserable. Ok, also. This is the third year I've been playing this particular bassoon and I've named it Phillippe. You don't get that attached to an instrument and not get upset if you damage it.

I kid you not. At our lunch break, I went and got ice cream, and I was eating it like I'd gone through a bad breakup. Chocolate, with cookie dough and brownie bites and chocolate chips and hot fudge and caramel and whipped cream. I'm upset. Really upset. It's not fun. I mean, it hasn't rendered my bassoon unplayable... But I still feel AWFUL.

I was at lunch with Rle and my little sister. I think they were concerned for me. But then, we had this idea...
So I texted Tak and Mec:

Eating ice cream like I just went through a bad breakup....

Tak responded first: Oh boy. What kind?
Me: A really painful unexpected one. Unless you're asking about the ice cream, then it's chocolate.
Tak: The ice cream actually, but if you want to talk about the other I'm cool with that too
Me: Haha... Actually, I'm just super upset because I broke my bassoon.
Tak: That'll do it
Me: Eeyupp. And it's just the first day of honour band, no big deal....
Tak: Isn't the concert tomorrow night?
Me: Eeyupp.
Tak: Shoot.
Tak: Is it fixable?
Me: Yeah... Already taken care of, actually. I just snapped the bocal in half and I have two... But they're different and I have to pay for the new one, and it was such a stupid thing to happen. I'm just really upset about it. Felt the need to complain.
Tak: Feel better?
Me: Totally. Ice cream and complaining fix everything.
Tak: Totes

***I could not believe he said that. Super out of character for him!***

Then the conversation went other directions.

Mec replied a few minutes later: Ice cream is awesome.
Me: Yep.
Mec: Is everything ok
Me: I just broke Phillippe, is all. Rather upsetting.
Mec: Aww
Me: Yeah. It's fixable. And not gonna ruin honour band for me. But upsetting.
Mec: I know the feels
Me: Yeah...

Then that conversation went other directions too. And then I had the afternoon rehearsal session for honour band.

So yeah. That was my day today. I'm super bummed about my Phillippe. But it's fixable. But still.

This week is adventurous. :P

Child of Winter

Today I wrote a poem. And I'm gonna post it on here.

This is a big deal, everybody. It's terrifying!

Also, this isn't the best thing I've ever written... But I like it a lot.

CHILD OF WINTER

The cold has never bothered me

While others run from her embrace

I welcome an old friend, because

In the Winter I find my place

And the heat always destroys me

Although others run to the summer sun

And revel in its light and heat

I shy away from it- I'm the only one

And spring's bright new flowers

Autumn's turning leaves

Make me feel like I don't belong

And I'd much rather be free

But in the long, dark nights of Winter

And her frost covered misty mornings

In the gentle snow or wild blizzard

That's when I feel my soul returning

I belong in the cold harshness

I'm a child of Winter, it's true

'Tis a season long unfavoured

But in the icy Winter, I am new

It's also not very long. But I still love it. Winter is my favourite season. :]

People Moving On?

So, I just have to talk about the missionaries. I talked about them in my Christmas post, but I have to say more, because they are very dear to me.

First, we have Elder Miller and Elder Hayes. Elder Miller has been here forever (like, eight months or some crazy thing like that) and Elder Hayes has been here for about four. We've had them over for dinner quite a few times, and they're just awesome people.

And then there's Sister Messervy and Sister Flores. Sister Messervy has been here just longer than Elder Hayes, and Sister Flores has only been here for one transfer. We've had them over a bunch too... Actually, we usually have all the missionaries over at once, because it's just more fun that way! And the sisters are fantastic people too.

Tragically, however, it's time for another transfer, and Elder Hayes and Sister Flores are being relocated. It makes me sad, because I honestly love these missionaries- but at the same time, I know they'll be where the Lord needs them to be, and whoever gets transferred over here... Well, I'll end up loving them too.

But I just want to talk about the missionaries.

Elder Miller is quiet, a little more willing to let his companion talk, but his testimony is so strong and so inspiring. Like, the other day, we had the missionaries over for dinner and family home evening, and we read 1 Nephi 11:8-22, and then he made a comment about wanting to read verse 17. So we worked it out so he could. This section is talking about God, and verse 17 says, "And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things." Elder Miller is like that- the little moments, like a verse of scripture that he really likes, are what stand out about him. But at that moment, that scripture pierced my soul.

What an incredible thought, that even if we don't know all things, we know that God loves his children. He loves us! We are that important!

And, the more times we've had the Elders over, the more comfortable Elder Miller has gotten around us... We tease and joke and laugh and play games, tell stories and just have a good time. But it's his testimony that just stands out to me so much. He's been here pretty much since I realised I didn't really have a testimony anymore and set out to find if the Church was true for myself. Of course, I've never told him, but as we've had the missionaries around, he's helped me find my faith and my testimony again. He's so fired up about the Gospel, about missionary work, and his testimony is inspiring. In fact, this is slated to be his last transfer, six more weeks and then he's home, but he's made comments that he'd like to extend. Elder Miller is a pretty cool dude.

Elder Hayes is also a pretty cool dude, but in a different way. He's loud and outspoken, with a bit of a brash sense of humour. But he's super into missionary work, and very excited about the Gospel.
Fact: every conversation with Elder Hayes ends up being about Jesus.
It doesn't matter what you're talking about-it could be popsicles- and Elder Hayes will say, "And here's how that relates to Jesus:" and then he'll tell you. Sometimes maybe it's a bit of a stretch, but when we tease him about it, he just says that everything really does relate to Jesus. That's what it's all about. And he's right.

We're here to learn and grow, to make mistakes and become better... And we can do all of that because of Heavenly Father and Jesus, and the Plan of Salvation, and the atonement. It all leads back to Jesus, every time. Elder Haye's testimony has been inspiring to me, in my journey back to finding my faith. So I'm super bummed out that he's getting transferred.

And, of course, there's the sisters. I love them, dearly! Sister Messervy has been such a pillar for me to lean on, as I was finding my way back to the light. The one incident that stands out the most with her was one time when we had the missionaries over for dinner, and then we were having a mock discussion... I was teaching it. And at this point, I was still a little shaky in my testimony, not on solid ground at all. But then Sister Messervy asked if I could go out with them, to visit a few people, because, she said, "You know things!" She was so excited about what I knew about the Gospel... And I realised that I was excited about it too! And I knew it was true! There's so much more I could say about her... She's super sweet, very funny, open and caring... And, again, she's so pumped to be a missionary and to share the Gospel. I just love it!

Last, but not least, Sister Flores. She's only been here for one transfer, since just before Thanksgiving, which is really not long enough, so I'm super bummed out that she's getting transferred too... :( Sister Flores is quiet and peaceful, content to kinda just watch everyone else make the noise and participate in the conversation... But her testimony is so strong, and I can tell that she knows who she is. And even though I'm mostly on solid ground with my faith now, have been pretty much the whole time she's been here, here testimony is still an inspiration to me, and she's such an amazing example to me. I'm going to miss her.

I just, love the missionaries a LOT. I'm so grateful we've gotten to know them and to spend time with them!

Because, you know, I look at the missionaries, and they're young people, not much older than me, and they're so on fire with the Gospel, and their testimonies just light up their lives. And I love that about them, and I love being around them because it rubs off! It's so easy to get excited about the Gospel and about sharing it when you spend a lot of time with the missionaries! And I want to be like that! I want to just radiate light the way that they do! They've been such a huge force in helping me get back on the right track and honestly I don't like to think of where I'd be if they weren't so heavily involved in my family's life since this last summer. Missionaries are the best people!

Speaking of missions... 20 months until I can go on mine. So yeah! :D

My Soul on Paper

Words are incredibly powerful. There's a reason why songs have lyrics, poetry is so moving, a novel can make you laugh, cry, jump for joy... 

Words are magic.

And sometimes, I try to capture a little bit of that magic, to express myself. I write poetry and song lyrics, and within the last few years I've started writing piano parts for my lyrics.

Maybe one of these days if I'm feeling brave, I'll post some on here. Maybe.

Sharing is hard for me, because when I'm writing, it's the deepest parts of me that I'm putting on a page. It's terrifying for me to throw my soul out to the world, not knowing how it will be received... And I'm not sure if I'm good or not. Some of it is, maybe... I dunno. But! That's not what this post is about.

This is about 'I'm Sorry Now' which is the set of lyrics that I most recently completed.

A friend of mine, Vig, is a crazy cool musician, but he only writes instrumentals. So at the beginning of last month, he called me over at lunch to listen to this piece he'd wrote- really pretty, but really sad. And he asked me to write lyrics for him, because he knows I do that.

So for the last month, Vig and I have been collaborating on this piece. It's the first time I've ever written something with somebody else. This is a whole new level of terrifying for me.

Because it's super weird for me to let somebody else in like that, to have Vig see all the little bits and pieces as a song comes together. It's weird because writing is such a personal thing, so close to my heart, such a huge piece of my soul. And it's scary.

We've actually finished it, roughly. Got all the words and the music, just gotta put it together. And I like it a lot; I think it's fantastic. It's one of my favourite pieces that I've ever written. So it was probably good for me to get out of my comfort zone and work with Vig on this.

However, that doesn't make it any less terrifying. Letting people see my soul exposed like that... Yikes. Just yikes.

But I did it. :]

Just January 2nd, Everyone...

Today's been a bit weird for me...

Just kicking around. Chillin'. School's still out, you know. So I haven't got much to do.

Except for that I can't help thinking about one year ago today. And wowza, one year has flown by.

One year ago, I had a day pretty much just like this one. Until I got on Facebook that evening to see posts from friends back where I used to live, Podunk Tinytown, saying that the band had lost a great member and asking everyone to wear best dress in his honour the next day.

His name was Rory. He was a friend of mine. And he'd committed suicide. He was sixteen.

I texted my best friend, Tak, frantically telling him that he couldn't die anytime in the near future, told him why I was freaking out... I don't remember what he said. Just that it helped. I cried on my older brother's shoulder for ten minutes, while he rubbed my back and just talked to me... And I cried myself to sleep that night, seriously grateful that I didn't have school in the morning.

And I don't know why Rory did it, but I know he left a little farming community and one girl the next state over reeling.

January was not a good month for me.

I had a hard time dealing with his death, because nobody knew him. I couldn't talk to anybody. And it almost didn't seem real, because I didn't have to deal with his absence every day.

I went to the funeral the next week, missed a day of school for it. My mom and older brother went with me, Mom for support, my brother because he was friends with Rory's brother. On our drive out there (242 miles of desert), it was really foggy... And I commented that it looked like when the graphics on a video game wouldn't load. And my brother made a joke "Reality is having a hard time rendering today." Which was funny, until I realised how perfectly it applied. That drive was also the first time I heard the song 'Two Black Cadillacs' by Carrie Underwood; I still don't listen to it.

So we got to the church... And I walked in to the room where the casket was. And suddenly it was real. That was my friend. Lying in that casket. He was gone. And then, we walked up to his family, and his mom knew my name. I'd moved away almost two years earlier, and I didn't recall ever being formally introduced to her. But she knew my name. That got me.

I walked out of that room and burst into tears on the shoulder of one of my best friends from Podunk, Spo. I sat by her and Rab and a few of our other friends during the service. That was hard. It was honestly the worst reason I ever could have had to go back to visit.

I had a hard time dealing with it, back at home... Talked to Spo a lot, which helped. And my good friends here knew... A bit after, Ael asked me exactly how close I'd been to him.

And I had trouble explaining it to her... But I've moved a lot. And for me, when I move, it feels like everything goes on pause, like I could go right back and pick up where I left off with my friends and nothing would have changed... And Rory wasn't one of my best friends... But I met him in the sixth grade, and we were in the same group- I loved the kid. He was quiet but hilarious, with the biggest imagination, and the biggest heart. The thing is, for me, it felt like I could go back and still be chill with him, and there was also the potential that we could've become better friends. So it was hard for me to lose him. I didn't explain that very well to Ael. So.

 I was an emotional wreck. But, music is a huge deal to me, and a saving grace. Two songs that helped me immensely were 'Every Storm' by Gary Allen, which had just come out, and 'A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief'-- "peace bound up my broken heart".

A few other songs since are 'I Drive Your Truck' by Lee Brice and 'Drink a Beer' by Luke Bryan- although I don't agree with the drinking, it's an amazing song.

The only thing that really got me through the whole trauma, though, was the Gospel. I know there's a chance I'll see him again. I know this world isn't the end of everything. And I know that we don't have all the answers... There's a great article by M. Russell Ballard that ran in the Ensign a few years back and that's been turned into a little book- "Suicide: Some Things We Know , and Some We Do Not." There are so many inspiring thoughts found in there, and so much comfort. Without my testimony of the next life and forgiveness, the atonement, and Christ's love, I don't know if I could have ever dealt with it.

Some days it still gets me.

But I'll be ok.

But yeah. Today was odd.

2014??

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I guess that means it's time for the mandatory looking-back-on-the-old-year-post, so here it is. For me, 2013 was...

Crazy. Ha.

January
-The first real tragedy in my life, when a friend of mine committed suicide on the 2. He was 16.
-I received a poem and a confession and because of that...
 -I took a big chance, opening up my heart to Tak, really putting myself out there. And then for the whole month of January, he was on-again-off-again-so-confusing-I-didn't-know-what-was-happening, and that hurt a lot...
 -I was sick the whole month. In addition to the emotional crap going down.

February
-I stopped wanting to cry all the time.
-Things were looking up, as far as Tak was concerned
-I got asked to Prom
-I got my first bouquet of roses
-Trips to Reno and Vegas with my friends, because we played in the pep band for our basketball team, that were absolutely amazing... Also the first time Tak and I held hands... But it triggered
-The first real fight I've ever gotten in... Rle and I didn't speak for a week. And it took us months to work out the resulting backlash.

March
-Started out awesomely with Tak, less awesomely with Rle and my sister because I was dumb
-Went to Prom, had a blast
-Figured myself and Rle out... Sorta.

April
-Trip with our choir to San Francisco for a competition, we kicked butt and had a blast... Partied it up with some friends and my big brother!
-My big bro and Rle went to All-State Choir.... I didn't make it, so I hung out that weekend with Mec and Tak and my sister
 -School musical, lots of FUN! Tak bought me flowers....


May
-The beginning of the end... Or how I viewed it.
-Band festival, choir festival, band concert, choir concert, jazz band concert... Eating out after jazz band, Tak and me... Big brother? Not happy. Eek.
-Me and Tak and Ael went and saw the Great Gatsby, Tak and me made it official- my first boyfriend, and then he kissed me! Another first... :) I still owe Ael dinner coz she's the best friend/3rd wheel/crazy matchmaker EVER.

June
-Graduation. Yikes. I have WAYYY too many senior friends.
-Went to dinner with Tak's family... Met his grandparents... Intimidating.
-Girls' Camp. Which was a huge deal for me this year, because it's when I realised I didn't know anymore, didn't have a testimony, didn't ever feel the Spirit anymore.... Somewhere along the line, I'd fallen off the wayside. So I decided to figure out if the Church was true or not, for SURE.
-Started running, training for XC in the fall

July
-Youth Conference! I knew I had a testimony of temple work and the Book of Mormon. Just those two things. But I knew the rest would come.
-BOM the Summer! I read twelve pages in the Book of Mormon every day. It was intense. And incredible. I found my faith again.
-Hanging out with my dad's side of the family, which is always a blast
-Adventures with Tak, Ael, my sister, Rle, Mec, Rag... It's summer, and it's lovely!
-Somewhere in there he kissed me again...

August
-BAND. CAMP.
-Got to spend a week with my best friend since I was three, Sav. And that was way better than anything else! It was AWESOME!
-Hanging with Mec and Tak before they left for college... I was still in denial.
-The last two times he kissed me.
-And finally, my first breakup. Because we didn't want to kill ourselves and our friendship trying to make distance work, didn't want to put that kind of pressure on each other. Not gonna lie- I cried. But he didn't see it.

September
-School's in full swing again!
-I have to do paper routes every day, and it's exhausting...
-So much that I can't run cross country... Which is maybe even more depressing than breaking up with Tak, because at least I knew the breakup was the most likely outcome. Not running made me SAD.
-It's been five years this month since my grandma died of pancreatic cancer. Still not easy to deal with, really.
-But! Thanks to my newly refound testimony, I know I'll see her again. And it'll be ok. :]

October
-I'm still bummed about him... But trying to hide it.
-Band competitions!
-I figure out that I never should have let go of the Gospel. I know it's true. And I LOVE IT!

November
-We took state in marching band! Best thing, EVER!
-The odd realisation that Tak and I talk more that Mec, even though she's one of my best friends too... And I'm not even talking to Tak all that often. Weird....
-Honour Choir!
-Taking my big brother to the MTC, where he'll be learning Spanish before heading to Mexico City for his mission!
-We have the missionaries over, all the time, through the whole year, starting in the summer. And at this point, I'm realising exactly how instrumental they've all been in helping me find my faith again, and how much I love them for that!
-The only thing that's wrong, is the feeling that I've lost all the people closest to me... My big brother was one of my best friends, until the beginning of this year, then I let our relationship fall apart, coz I sorta stopped talking to him, didn't fill him in... Mec and Tak went to college. There was Syb, but she sorta went crazy in about February, Marchish, and hated me for no good reason. Which was sad.... And it just feels like Rle, Ael, and Rag always have at least two other people they'd rather talk to before me, or hang out with, or anything, really. I feel so alone. And it's AWFUL.

December
-I love the Christmas Season!
-Still haven't figured out what to do about my friends... Rle noticed and we talked about it... But it's not really getting better...
-I love the Gospel, also. I KNOW it's true!
-My brother leaves the MTC and is now in Mexico!
-I organise a Starbucks adventure with Tak, Mec, Buc, Anc, and Rle... And it's so freeing for me to realise that I really don't feel that way about Tak anymore!
-Christmas is AMAZING.
-I hang out with my family and get ready for the new year!

Wow. So there we are. It's a lot. It's kinda been a crappy year, honestly. There were some amazing parts, and some that were downright HORRID.

So here's hoping that 2014 is all sorts of better! :]