Wait, What?

I was registering for classes for next fall,

And I think if I do my life right I could graduate next year?

Except for that I don't really want to.

Because I was planning on two more years?

And I have this minor I want to work in...

But man, if I didn't.

I just.

What. Even.

Rant : II

Just here because I can't keep saying the same things to my roommates and friends.

I mean, I can.

But I don't like to.

I think I'm gonna tell you.

I think I have to.

I need some level of certainty.

So there's gotta be some sort of, "hey,,,so I'm kinda into you? I've caught the feelz. would love to spend more time with you, go on more dates? umm, no pressure, just wanna know where you at."

And then if it's a no, fine, I can move on with my life and stop dRiViNg mYsElF iNsAnE.

If it's a maybe, okay, we see what happens.

I think I'm gonna say something.

Because when we're talking, I feel like it's there.

And your smile kills me.

And your kindness is extraordinary.

And I really, really, would like a shot at this.

A shot with you.

No one's gonna make it happen for me.

So I'm gonna tell you.

Dinner Party : Postlude

So I didn't die and no one got salmonella, so I guess I did okay.

Tuesday I don't have class until one, but I work an early job. So I got off work at ten and set to cooking.

I had promised Elb I'd make whatever she wanted, and she requested funeral potatoes and chicken. Funeral potatoes are I guess any variant of cheesy potato casseroles, so nicknamed because, well, we make them for funerals a lot out here in the west.

That morning, I made two pans of funeral potatoes and then went to class.

Came home and set about making my last pan of funeral potatoes- another kind, because I like variety.

Then on to the chicken. I bought chicken breasts and made a rub - brown sugar, paprika, onion, garlic, salt, pepper, and baked those. I had a veggie tray and grapes. Elb was bringing dessert and drinks.

And like, I was a little stressed out all day with the cooking, but at 6:15 when everything was starting to come together and the food was all set out and the table was clear and the floor was vacuumed, it was just such a satisfying feeling.

And then people started coming! I fed Elb and her friend, all my roommates, three of our friends but Kyv couldn't make it, mine and Elb's old roomie and her fiance, my older brother and Rle, and one of Elb's friends came but didn't eat and like, there were so so many people in my apartment but it was wonderful.

I really enjoy hosting, I think? Like, it was so wonderful to facilitate the joy that everybody had and to have people over and I LOVE that feeling.

Also, Elb got to meet everyone, which was fun.

And no one got salmonella, so I think I did okay.

And it was,,,so so fun.

Dinner Party : Prelude

So a dear friend who was my roommate over the summer is in town this week. We wanted to do something together, but I was wildly busy this weekend with a family wedding and everyone being in town and whatnot.

So Elb and I were able to spend some time together Thursday night, which was great, and then I decided that I'd make dinner and we'd invite some people over.

This is happening tomorrow.

And between a combination of the fact that I have No Chill the guest list is twenty people long?

See, Elb wants to meet my friends, and we're inviting some of our old roomies and some of her friends and basically the list has ended up at:

Elb, a friend of hers from home, three friends here at the uni
Me, my older brother, my best friend from home
My five current roommates
Four of our other friends (including Kyv b/c Elb is invested in this)
Two of our past roomies and one's fiance

For a grand total of twenty??

I'm going to be hosting a dinner party in my six-person, on-campus, dorm?

A few of my friends may not be able to stay long, but still??

How did I get myself into this?

Why do I like people?

Why do I feel like offering people food is the only reason to invite them over?

Also the only way to adult?

So today I have to go grocery shopping and pick up some things and tomorrow, all hell breaks loose.

Here we go.

You Can't Script This Stuff

I made a fool of myself Sunday evening, and now I'm here to tell you all about it.

So, I'm coming back from a family event, and my older brother is dropping me off, in the parking lot next to my apartment. It is approximately nine p.m. I am wearing a black and white dress, a red jacket, and red high heels.

I get out of the car, close the front passenger door, and begin moving around to the rear driver's side because I have things I needed to get out of the back. My brother, however, starts to drive away. Now, I notice a group of people standing nearby, but I don't know any of them, so all my attention is focused on my car, driving away.

"Hey," I shout, waving my arms, "Wait! Stop!" This is, unfortunately, not effective, as my hands are sort of full and I can't gesture very well. I'm running after the car, but not very quickly, as I'm in heels. After a few seconds, I'm a little desperate, so I reach down and take off my shoe, my red high heel, and throw it at my car as I shout, "FETCHER I STILL HAVE THINGS IN THE CAR!"

It is at this juncture that my brother finally clues in and stops. I jog over to the car, one heel on, one foot just in tights on the pavement, open the door, and begin to get out my things. It is then that I hear, from behind me, "Rose, is that your brother?"

And I turn, and as I answer, "Yeah," who should I see but the object of my last post, smiling at me.

The realisation sets in that I have just made a FOOL of myself in front of this guy and his family, and I want to die. Just a little bit.

I wish that a chasm would open in the earth and swallow me up.

A nice lady brought me my shoe. saying, "Here's your satin slipper," and then continued on her way.

The family keeps walking, and then he looks at me and says, "Well, see you, then."

"Yeah, see you!"

And he walks away and I duck behind the car door and express this to my brother.

"Oh," he says, "Did you not notice him?"

"No! I just noticed a group of people! I didn't realise he was there! I'm so mortified!"

"Don't be," my brother laughs, "He thought it was great."

Nonetheless, my mortification was great. 

I can only imagine how the conversation went as he caught back up to his family:
"Oh, did you know her?"
"Yeah, that's my friend, *name redacted*."
"What an... interesting girl."

(perhaps by some weird chance they know who I am, as we've been doing things with friends and we've been on a few dates)

So my brother adds to my imagined scene, "Oh, the one we've heard all about!"

To which I can only say, "I wish."

(my family has lowkey heard a lot about him because I talk too much)

I've told this story to a few people (it is, admittedly, very funny), and been told that is sounds like a dramatic breakup scene and also like the intro of the leading lady in a rom-com, so I'm keeping it in my pocket for when I'm writing a screenplay in the future.

Two hours later, I get a text from him that just says,
Solid throw! ;)

Somehow that makes it at once better and worse.

Then yesterday, I had a chance to talk to him at a church activity. For my own mental well-being, I asked if that was his family the night before. Yes. His aunt and uncle, a couple cousins, one of whom is coming to our university in the fall, and his twin brother. They were showing them around campus. It was his aunt who returned my shoe, apparently.

He said it was cool that he met my brother- or saw him, at least. So I think that's a positive.

I'm still a little embarrassed, tbh.

Rant

I haven't been on this in so long but I'm literally going crazy and I need to spill all this somewhere.

I have been thinking about you all day.

I mean.

I've been into you for a while, so thinking about you with some frequency is not unusual.
x

But I mean literally all day.

I just can't get over yesterday?

Well here's the thing: I was getting good vibes last week and tryna keep that up this week.

But by Thursday, I had convinced myself that I was reading too much into things and that I needed to chill out and that this is a one sided interest. (probably. mostly.)

But then last night.

Last night!

You came to the party, to the dance, and you started to hang out with me and my roomies/friends, and the longer it wore on the  more it seemed like everyone else was periphery and you were just hanging out with me. I wasn't sure what to make of it, but I'm not mad.

And like we were chatting and then you asked me to slow dance! and we did and it was so fun, and then we talked in the middle of the dance floor during that Latin song we didn't know how to dance to and did the Cupid Shuffle before we joined back up with our friends.

We all danced and had a good time--and as much as I am in the habit of looking for you and trying to be where you are,  without being creepy, it seemed like you were doing the same thing. Anytime you lost the group or I was somewhere else, you showed up again, looking for me.

I still don't know what colour your eyes are.

Off-topic, but it's been bothering me.

Then we went to do karaoke and it was so fun to be sitting there with you and you sat on the arm of the chair leaving space for a person and that was me who could sit there and you're so funny. And we watched our friends sing and we sang with our friends and then my lovely dears pulled a bit of a fast one on me and you and I duetted The Start of Something New from High School Musical and I JUST. I will never recover from that moment? And you hugged me and thanked me for singing with you, and I was on cloud nine, I thought. And we sat in the audience and sang Disney songs in three languages because we could and then my cousin and I got up to sing one more karaoke piece, and you'd been out of the room talking to a friend but you came in halfway through and when we were finished you said you were glad you hadn't missed it.

At this point it was getting pretty late and several of my friends had already been there longer than they'd been planning on, so they started peeling off, but I wasn't going anywhere if you weren't, and so we went back up to dance and what a blast it was, just goofing off and having fun with our friends, and having fun with you. It happened again that you got separated from the group and they decided to go somewhere, so I did a bit of a half hang back to make sure we didn't lose you, and I just- the moment of seeing you searching in the crowd and then our eyes meeting and your face shifting- will I ever recover?

So we all went to do the photo booth, and of course my roomies wanted to go together, but I went with you to because I wasn't going to not, and just sitting so close to you and laughing at the whole thing? My HEART. Also, I've got a good picture of your face to send my missionaries now, so that's a biiiiig plus. And a few more friends bailed, but we were still there, and so was one of my other roomies, and of course since I came with her, I was sticking with her.

And we were dancing with some other friends, and then we went to go put our photos in my purse- we'd meant to head right back, so I didn't tell you where we were going, but maybe I should have? In any case, we were on the other side of the room when you came over to ask if my roomie was leaving, and I told you no, we were just putting the photos away. But you came, you thought we were leaving and you made sure to catch us. 

And there is a part of me that can't believe this is happening, can't believe the way everything is looking, because I am not used to things going my way and you are wonderful?

And we went and joined up with another group of friends and just danced and had such a good time. So then the DJ announces that there's only about twenty minutes left and he's going to play the last slow song and me and my roomie kinda jokingly backed off the dance floor, but then you looked at me and held out your hand and of course I went to dance with you and wow I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Just. Being so close to you- because it was close, you were holding me close- and laughing and talking and I taught you to waltz, I mean badly the song was in four but, just being. And you hugged me when the song ended and thanked me for dancing with you.

I literally can't stop thinking about it, about you.

And it's past midnight now but I need to get this off my chest somehow, so anyway continuing

So they do the last slow dance and then we were swing dancing and having a grand time and we were laughing and then we got absorbed into this line dance but it was so fun, and for the last two songs we joined up with our friends again.

Then the last roomie and I invited you and a couple of our other friends over for ice cream and a movie and you came and you sat by me during the movie and didn't hate that I commented and UGH it was just PERFECTION to be sitting there with you. And then when it ended we just sat there talking for a minute, until you and the other friends had to leave (because we obey curfew because we're good hooligans). But when you went to leave you hugged me. Again.

And I can't. I don't know what to do with this, but in absolutely the best way possible.

And I just keep replaying every scene from last night over and over in my head and thinking about the hugs and the slow dance and you laughing at things I said and singing with you and the slow dance and I'm so so happy about it.

So this afternoon I texted you to say that I'd had a lot of fun and that I enjoy hanging out with you and you responded that you love being around me too.

I haven't been able to stop grinning.

Is this happening???