Eternity

This Saturday, I had the opportunity to go to the Payson Utah Temple open house with my favourite people in the world- my family!

So, it was me, my little sister, my little brother, Dad, Mom, GrandmaH, GrandpaH, AuntJo, UncleRo, Rip, Zap, and Taw. Kad and Cad would have been there, but one of Kad's best friends was getting married... So they opted out.

But ANYHOW. The Payson temple is absolutely gorgeous- I mean, they all are, but Zap and I walked into the first ordinance room, and our jaws just dropped. It was LOVELY. We basically were just slack-jawed through the whole thing.

And the funny thing is, we've gone to temple open houses before- with Dad's side of the family, we've been to the Oquirrh Mountain, Brigham City, Ogden, Draper... And a few more. So we've seen temples before.

But we're always blown away by how lovely they are.

And not only that, but there is this incredible feeling of peace and love- the strongest presence of the Spirit, and in a temple that isn't even dedicated yet! It's wonderful.

And I love temple open houses- because it's such a brilliant promise for the future, for the eternity that can come.

Walking through the Payson temple Saturday night, all I could think was, "This is where eternity starts."

And it's true.

I can't wait for my turn to go through the temple, and someday to be sealed there, to start my own eternity with my husband.

And of course, when eternity finally gets here, I know that I want my whole family there with me- because I can't picture myself without them.

The temple is seriously the greatest thing ever.

Families are forever!

I Hope They Call Me...

First off, for some great mood music, and a REALLY cute video:

So. I have wanted to serve a mission for as long as I can remember. Then, when this happened

my sophomore year of high school, I was SO STOKED. I'm old for my class, an I will turn 19 this August, right after I graduate in June. I can leave with the guys, basically! This option, it seemed, took away any debates about other things interfering, or maybe not going. It was perfect!

Then, as this year progressed, and I went through senior year, I began to seriously ponder my future. I've been debating and weighing pros and cons all year, and I've had such a tough time. I eventually decided that, the option is open at 19, but that doesn't mean you must go then, and I have some really amazing college opportunities available.... So, I planned to go to college, maybe do two years or all four, and then serve. I felt okay about that choice, although no real firm answer seemed to be settled on.

But while I was debating, I talked to my mom about it, I talked to my bishop, and they both told me that either choice is good, it's up to me, it's what I need to do. And my wonderful Bishop B. gave me some inspired advice, telling me that it's okay to go or not. I can work on papers, and see what happens. And he said that sometimes, it's frustrating to try to get answers. Sometimes, the Lord lets us struggle, so that when we decide we are sure we are in the right place. And sometimes, it's because either choice is fine- the Lord could use me as a missionary in the field or at college. Bishop B. said that, either way, it will work out. If I go to college, that's great. And if I go on a mission, college will work out- money will work out. And he told me it might be hard, deciding...

But, I really settled last week on what I'd do. I accepted one of my college admission, one that came with a pretty scholarship and amazing benefits that I felt really good about. However, as I started to set up orientation plans and other things, I just felt unsettled- like I was making the wrong choice. I started praying, hard, and I was fasting....

Then, this Sunday. The Sacrament meeting talks were about doing hard things through Christ. And during the meeting, my mom told me she felt prompted to tell me to look up the "Good, Better, Best" talk from a few years ago. Our Sunday School and Young Women's lessons were both about Joseph Smith and the First Vision and how we can discern truth for ourselves. Mission prep was incredibly spiritual. And we had a bishop's youth night, and our former stake president, President S., spoke to us about missionary work, and preparing, and serving... He read the announcement on the age change, and urged our young men to continue to prepare. We have one senior boy in our ward, and he has his call already- he's an amazing example. Then, President S. talked to the girls, about how we can serve- and he talked about his five daughters. Four have passed mission age, two went, and two didn't, and he talked about how both choices are fine, how both situations benefitted his daughters. And I felt the Spirit so strongly, confirming that. But, I was still confused about what this all meant for me- Am I making the right choice, postponing my mission for college? What do I need to be doing?

Then, President S. talked about how the most important focus we should have, mission or not, is the temple. And we read the Message from the First Presidency, focusing on a few points:

"OUR DEAR YOUNG MEN AND YOUNG WOMEN, we have great confidence in you. You are beloved sons and daughters of God and He is mindful of you. You have come to earth at a time of great opportunities and also of great challenges. The standards in this booklet will help you with the important choices you are making now and will yet make in the future. We promise that as you keep the covenants you have made and these standards, you will be blessed with the companionship of the Holy Ghost, your faith and testimony will grow stronger, and you will enjoy increasing happiness.

In all that you do, stay focused on the temple. In the temple you will receive the greatest of all the Lord’s blessings, including marriage for time and all eternity. Keeping the standards in this booklet will help you be worthy to attend the temple, where you can perform sacred ordinances for your ancestors now and make essential covenants for yourself in the future.

Our Father in Heaven has placed great trust in you. He has a work for you to do. Seek His guidance in prayer, and counsel with your parents and leaders. The decisions you make now will set the course for much of what will follow during your mortal life and throughout eternity.

We testify that God lives. It is our fervent prayer that you will remain steadfast and valiant throughout your lives and that you will trust in the Savior and His promises. As you do this, you will be an influence for good in helping to build the kingdom of God and prepare the world for the Second Coming of the Savior."

President S. especially pointed out two lines:
"You are beloved sons and daughters of God and He is mindful of you." and
"In all you do, stay focused on the temple."

And oh, my word, I felt the Spirit, so strongly, testifying to me that God knows me and my struggles and that He cares about me, and that I matter. And that the temple is the ultimate goal!
It was an amazing meeting.

So I went home and I thought and I prayed some more. And I looked up "Good, Better, Best." It's by Dallin H. Oaks, and it's from the October 2007 General Conference (which surprised me, because I remember it, and I was eleven. Wow.). I read through the whole thing, but I kept coming back to the first few paragraphs.

Most of us have more things expected of us than we can possibly do. As breadwinners, as parents, as Church workers and members, we face many choices on what we will do with our time and other resources.

I.

We should begin by recognizing the reality that just because something is good is not a sufficient reason for doing it. The number of good things we can do far exceeds the time available to accomplish them. Some things are better than good, and these are the things that should command priority attention in our lives.

Jesus taught this principle in the home of Martha. While she was “cumbered about much serving” (Luke 10:40), her sister, Mary, “sat at Jesus’ feet, and heard his word” (v. 39). When Martha complained that her sister had left her to serve alone, Jesus commended Martha for what she was doing (v. 41) but taught her that “one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her” (v. 42). It was praiseworthy for Martha to be “careful and troubled about many things” (v. 41), but learning the gospel from the Master Teacher was more “needful.” The scriptures contain other teachings that some things are more blessed than others (see Acts 20:35; Alma 32:14–15).

A childhood experience introduced me to the idea that some choices are good but others are better. I lived for two years on a farm. We rarely went to town. Our Christmas shopping was done in the Sears, Roebuck catalog. I spent hours poring over its pages. For the rural families of that day, catalog pages were like the shopping mall or the Internet of our time.

Something about some displays of merchandise in the catalog fixed itself in my mind. There were three degrees of quality: good, better, and best. For example, some men’s shoes were labeled good ($1.84), some better ($2.98), and some best ($3.45).¹

As we consider various choices, we should remember that it is not enough that something is good. Other choices are better, and still others are best. Even though a particular choice is more costly, its far greater value may make it the best choice of all.

Consider how we use our time in the choices we make in viewing television, playing video games, surfing the Internet, or reading books or magazines. Of course it is good to view wholesome entertainment or to obtain interesting information. But not everything of that sort is worth the portion of our life we give to obtain it. Some things are better, and others are best. When the Lord told us to seek learning, He said, “Seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom” (D&C 88:118; emphasis added).

 "It is not enough that something is good. Other choices are better, and still others are best." And I just sat there, staring at my computer, praying and pondering about what choice is good, better, best, for me.
And I looked over the mission application. And I fasted again the next day. And I came to the conclusion, that, lovely scholarships don't matter. All will be well. And I need to go on a mission.

I'm back on my original plan, to serve right away. And I'm hoping to have my papers done within the next few weeks, before school ends. And I feel so good about this decision.

For Real, Everybody?

So, my school's prom was this Saturday. There's kind of a tradition that girls wear their dresses and guys wear their boutonnieres and whatnot to church the next day.

However, last year, around prom time, my mom directed my attention to this article.

It appeared in the October 2011 New Era, in the To The Point section. It's the last question, and what it says is this:

"Some youth wear their formal outfits to church on the Sunday after a school’s formal dance. Is this OK for Sunday dress?"

"For the Strength of Youth says, “Show respect for the Lord and for yourself by dressing appropriately for Church meetings” ([2001], 16). So the answer to this question depends on what “appropriately” means.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught a principle that helps us understand what is appropriate dress for sacrament meeting. “There should be nothing about [your] personal appearance or actions that would call special attention to [you] or distract anyone present from full attention to the worship and covenant making that are the purpose of this sacred service” (“Sacrament Meeting and the Sacrament,” Ensign, Nov. 2008, 20).

Prom dresses, formals, and tuxedos belong at a dance, not at church. This special type of dress is worn for certain special occasions and would unduly call attention to itself at church.

A priest blessing the sacrament in a tuxedo would be distracting, as would a young woman attending church in a formal dress.

Also keep in mind that there may be young men or young women at church who did not attend the dance. Seeing others in gowns and tuxes could be hurtful and disrupt their worship experience. Be mindful of how you dress, because it could affect those around you, as well as your own worship."

So, my mom had me read it and then left it up to me what I would do. I decided not to wear my dress. Last year, when people asked me why, I just explained it to them.

This year, I printed out the article and had them read it. My young women's president said, "That's good enough for me!"

And hers was the only positive reaction I got. Last year, and this year both, people go, "Oh, that's so SAD." or they look at me with pity, like I'm just missing out on this great experience of wearing my fancy dress to church.

And it's not that I couldn't, because my dresses are modest. It's that I choose not to, because we've been counseled not to.

And it drives me CRAZY that people view it as me making a sacrifice, or a sad choice. I'm just doing what we've been asked to do. Why do people pity that?

Why can't people say, "Great for you! I didn't know that we've been asked not to wear our formal attire. Way to set a good example!"

I don't understand why people think it's a negative decision.

Honestly, dealing with everyone pitying me for doing the right thing was harder for me than not wearing the dress, or seeing the other girls in their dresses.

And I think we need to change our perceptions, so that doesn't happen. People who ought to have the same standards shouldn't make others feel pitied for holding those standards.

K. Pet peeve rant over.

My Demons Are Coming Out To Play

So I had a lovely moment today.

I got in an argument with my mom, about something I forgot to do, and basically, I shouted that I felt like she was saying I was a slacker, the worst person ever, I can't do anything right, I'm just so awful.

And then she got more upset at me, shouting that she didn't appreciate me saying that, that it made her feel awful that I felt like my mother would automatically assume those things about me.

So, of course, I felt even worse.

And later, we apologised and hugged, and my mom reiterated her point again, asking me not to jump to conclusions about what she thinks, because she doesn't. And I almost started to cry.

Because I said all those things because that's how I felt. That's pretty much how I feel about myself right now. Everything is stacking up on me and just POURING rain. And it's awful.

This week is not really working out for me.



P.S. Dear non-existent readers, I'm sorry. This blog isn't really meant to be a vent fest... It's just somewhere to get my head in order. And this week, that means a vent fest.

Just January 2nd, Everyone...

Today's been a bit weird for me...

Just kicking around. Chillin'. School's still out, you know. So I haven't got much to do.

Except for that I can't help thinking about one year ago today. And wowza, one year has flown by.

One year ago, I had a day pretty much just like this one. Until I got on Facebook that evening to see posts from friends back where I used to live, Podunk Tinytown, saying that the band had lost a great member and asking everyone to wear best dress in his honour the next day.

His name was Rory. He was a friend of mine. And he'd committed suicide. He was sixteen.

I texted my best friend, Tak, frantically telling him that he couldn't die anytime in the near future, told him why I was freaking out... I don't remember what he said. Just that it helped. I cried on my older brother's shoulder for ten minutes, while he rubbed my back and just talked to me... And I cried myself to sleep that night, seriously grateful that I didn't have school in the morning.

And I don't know why Rory did it, but I know he left a little farming community and one girl the next state over reeling.

January was not a good month for me.

I had a hard time dealing with his death, because nobody knew him. I couldn't talk to anybody. And it almost didn't seem real, because I didn't have to deal with his absence every day.

I went to the funeral the next week, missed a day of school for it. My mom and older brother went with me, Mom for support, my brother because he was friends with Rory's brother. On our drive out there (242 miles of desert), it was really foggy... And I commented that it looked like when the graphics on a video game wouldn't load. And my brother made a joke "Reality is having a hard time rendering today." Which was funny, until I realised how perfectly it applied. That drive was also the first time I heard the song 'Two Black Cadillacs' by Carrie Underwood; I still don't listen to it.

So we got to the church... And I walked in to the room where the casket was. And suddenly it was real. That was my friend. Lying in that casket. He was gone. And then, we walked up to his family, and his mom knew my name. I'd moved away almost two years earlier, and I didn't recall ever being formally introduced to her. But she knew my name. That got me.

I walked out of that room and burst into tears on the shoulder of one of my best friends from Podunk, Spo. I sat by her and Rab and a few of our other friends during the service. That was hard. It was honestly the worst reason I ever could have had to go back to visit.

I had a hard time dealing with it, back at home... Talked to Spo a lot, which helped. And my good friends here knew... A bit after, Ael asked me exactly how close I'd been to him.

And I had trouble explaining it to her... But I've moved a lot. And for me, when I move, it feels like everything goes on pause, like I could go right back and pick up where I left off with my friends and nothing would have changed... And Rory wasn't one of my best friends... But I met him in the sixth grade, and we were in the same group- I loved the kid. He was quiet but hilarious, with the biggest imagination, and the biggest heart. The thing is, for me, it felt like I could go back and still be chill with him, and there was also the potential that we could've become better friends. So it was hard for me to lose him. I didn't explain that very well to Ael. So.

 I was an emotional wreck. But, music is a huge deal to me, and a saving grace. Two songs that helped me immensely were 'Every Storm' by Gary Allen, which had just come out, and 'A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief'-- "peace bound up my broken heart".

A few other songs since are 'I Drive Your Truck' by Lee Brice and 'Drink a Beer' by Luke Bryan- although I don't agree with the drinking, it's an amazing song.

The only thing that really got me through the whole trauma, though, was the Gospel. I know there's a chance I'll see him again. I know this world isn't the end of everything. And I know that we don't have all the answers... There's a great article by M. Russell Ballard that ran in the Ensign a few years back and that's been turned into a little book- "Suicide: Some Things We Know , and Some We Do Not." There are so many inspiring thoughts found in there, and so much comfort. Without my testimony of the next life and forgiveness, the atonement, and Christ's love, I don't know if I could have ever dealt with it.

Some days it still gets me.

But I'll be ok.

But yeah. Today was odd.