Weeks Went By Like What

Ok, so a lot of stuff has gone down these last two weeks and I need to get it all down.

First off, I feel like I've discovered one of my reasons for being here at BYU, which means a lot to me. Last Thursday morning, the university sent out an email telling everyone about a lecture by an almuna, Liz Shropshire. Billed as "Teaching Children Peace Through Music: The Life-Changing Impact of Music Education for Children in War Zones", the lecture was supposed to "details Shropshire's work in refugee camps and communities across Syria, Northern Ireland, and Uganda."

I went on a total whim. Music education is what I want to do. Refugees are people, incredible resilient people with heartbreaking stories, and I was interested. And what I heard changed me.

Liz went to Kosovo on a relief trip in 1999, and raised money to bring instruments to give to the children, just pennywhistles and harmonicas. She taught these kids music and then knew that she had to keep coming back. So she started a non-profit organisation, and then established a program in Kosovo, and eventually it grew to the point where it's run entirely by Kosovo youth volunteers and runs all year and Liz only goes to check up.

She expanded out to Northern Ireland, Uganda, and most recently to Greece. She told stories of children who came into her programs looking broken and helpless, who suffered from screaming nightmares, who found solace in their music. They keep their instruments on them all the time and they play and sing all the time. The smiles start. The nightmares stop. And the youth learn they can make a difference, learn leadership, and love serving the children. It's a win for everyone.

Her website, Teaching Peace Through Music, explains a lot more about them. I'll share an excerpt: 

The Shropshire Music Foundation develops youth leadership and capacity for peacemaking and problem-solving in global conflict zones through the establishment of locally-run, youth-led music education programs. These programs provide local children opportunities for education, trauma relief, expression, and creativity and local teenagers opportunities to develop leadership, teaching, and expressive skills, to become role models in their communities, to access broader opportunities for education, and to reduce vulnerability to extremist group participation.

The Shropshire Music Foundation provides free musical instruments and instruction to former child soldiers and refugees in some of the world’s most war-torn locations: Uganda, Kosovo, Northern Ireland, and Syrian Refugee Centers. Since 1999, we have taught more than 17,000 young people that through music they can bring healing, hope, and peace to their communities.

I was honestly so blown away by this lecture, and the follow-up Q&A session the next day. We're hoping to start an official club here at the university, and possibly to start working with refugees in Salt Lake and Provo, using her program. And I haven't felt this excited or this right about anything since I got my mission call and on my mission. I know, without a doubt, that this is something I have to be a part of. For how long, I'll see, but I'm sure I am here right now so I could hear about this.

God guides us, truly.

But wait, there's more. September was not a good month for me, in terms of motivation and spirituality and life. So on Sunday, I fasted for the strength to accomplish and overcome everything that stood before me.

Diving foreshadowing. On Sunday night, my parents told my siblings and I that my dad has lost his job. The mine did some rearrangin' and his position didn't make the cut. Enter period of uncertainty for us.

But I have faced this week confident in the fact that God will watch over us and guide my daddy to the next place he's supposed to be and that it will all turn out ok. And I attribute much of my serenity to the fast on Sunday.

God is giving me strength.

I'm also suffering from an intense renewed desire to do my schoolwork and earn scholarships and make as little stress for my parents as possible, which is a good thing.

Had an incredible Book of Mormon class again in which our teacher talked about how important it is to make sure that we talk about Heavenly Father- sometimes in the Church, we as members talk about Christ so much that we never mention our Father in Heaven. And if Christ were here, well, what would He say about that? The whole plan comes back to our Father, His love for us, the fact that we can be with Him again.

And it was simultaneously a super uplifting and very validating moment for me, because I had noticed this tendency, especially on my mission, and I tried so hard not to do this. Because my relationship with Heavenly Father means everything to me, knowing that I am His daughter helps me understand my purpose, and I can't wait to be with Him again.

God knows me, and He loves me.

Also, it was my mom's birthday yesterday.

And the finally, today. I have a job working as a custodian at the MTC, and today I was working on something when two elders came up to me and asked if they could share a short message with me. Of course, I agreed.

They read me Doctrine and Covenants 19:16-18.

For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent;
But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I;
Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—

And they asked me how knowing someone cared that much for me would impact me. I told them, truthfully, it would make me want to do what that person wanted, and to do what was best.

And then these two sweet, terrifiedly nervous elders, bore sincere and powerful testimony that God loves me that much, that He knows me and watches over me and will take care of me.

And I needed to hear it. I so did.

And to top it all off, I went to the temple with a couple of friends/coworkers, and I just got back and sat down to write this post because WOW.

I haven't been since the start of September, and it was so sweet to be in the House of the Lord. Every time I am there, I feel like I am home. I so needed to be there today.

I have so much to learn. But there is so much that I love about the temple. And the sweetest moment was sitting in the celestial room, pondering, and the hymn, O My Father came to mind. I sang through the whole thing, reveling in the beauty of the words. And especially the first and fourth verses.

O my Father, thou that dwellest 

In the high and glorious place, 

When shall I regain thy presence 

And again behold thy face? 

In thy holy habitation, 

Did my spirit once reside? 

In my first primeval childhood 

Was I nurtured near thy side?  

In the heav’ns are parents single? 

No, the thought makes reason stare! 

Truth is reason; truth eternal 

Tells me I’ve a mother there. 

When I leave this frail existence, 

When I lay this mortal by, 

Father, Mother, may I meet you 

In your royal courts on high? 

Then, at length, when I’ve completed 

All you sent me forth to do, 

With your mutual approbation 

Let me come and dwell with you.

I mean, I was thinking it in German, but the overall effect is the same.

I am overwhelmed by God's love and awareness of me, and by the glory of the fact that I can return to live with Him again.

Today was a perfect day. :)

Music Day

I just feel like sharing all the music I've been obsessing over recently.

It's gonna be a random day.

First, PENTATONIX. I love them. I've been following them since they started on the Sing-Off. And their new single is AMAZING.

Can't Sleep Love

Like, I just keep listening to it. Pentatonix's blend and balance as a group is phenomenal, and they've done such an amazing job with this song. Plus, it's just so dang catchy, the lyrics are great, and the video (although almost a sensory overload) is just so much eye-candy that you can keep coming back to it. It's marvelous.

More Pentatonix- this cover they've just released. I love what was done as far as staging and videography, and musically, it's just wonderful.

Where Are U Now

It's just great. I also love that it's simpler, and you can get a lot more of the emotion out of it. Plus, Mitch's dance party. :D (Mitch being the one in the black sweater) I really love watching Pentatonix perform, especially because I sing, and it's incredible what they do with a capella music. It's so great to watch them, because they are SO committed to what they're doing.

Moving on! Joe Hisaishi in Budokan - Studio Ghibli 25 Years Concert. Studio Ghibli makes these magical, beautiful animated films that I love intensely. Joe Hisaishi is responsible for most (if not all) or the soundtracks, and this concert is incredible. It's also like an hour long, so you may want to just listen to it while doing other things.

I especially love the moments following:
from 0:19:40 to 0:24:10
from 0:45:21 to 0:46:58
and 1:08:42 to 1:15:50
but it's all phenomenal. Ghibli movies are wonderful. And the music is incredible. I've listened to bits and pieces of this concert and the whole thing so often. And I've got a Joe Hisaishi station on my Pandora radio. So that's that.

And my last musical obsession of today is MIKA. He's AMAZING. He's recently released an album called "No Place In Heaven" that's absolutely outstanding. My siblings and I have basically had it on repeat since we bought it a few weeks ago. And I'm just gonna share a few of my favourite moments.

Talk About You

It's just so cheerful and happy, and great to jam out to. Plus, he's so fun to watch perform, and I adore the staging and choreography in this video.

Good Guys

Again with the staging and choreography thing. What they did with this video is phenomenal- I love the interpretative dance feeling, and the costuming. It's great. Also, the crescendo at 2:18. It's awesome. And finally, the line, "If we are all in the gutter, it doesn't change who we are, cuz some of us in the gutter are looking up at the stars." I love that idea- it doesn't matter where you are, it matters where your focus is, where you're going.

Last Party 

It's perfect. I love the emotional feel of this song, and what they did with this video is perfect. Devastatingly perfect. And I love the music- all the effects with the various strings, the gentle continuous build of the whole song, the backing vocals and subtle harmonies, and then the HUGE crescendo with the runs in the flutes that starts at 2:50--- and then it just all cuts out, at 3:17. Oh. My. Gosh. It's PERFECT.

And finally, my current obsession and the song I've had on repeat for days:

Hurts

I just love it. It's devastating, lyrically, and so painfully relatable. "You say it's only words, and that it will get easier with time, but nothing's only words, that's how hearts get hurt." The piano part is incredible. The vocals are simple, and the backing is minimal, and the simplicity just adds to the emotion. And I intensely love the "I can't- I can't- I can't stop..." at the beginning of each chorus (first time at 0:58). To me, it sounds like the feeling of crying to hard to talk, just "I can't, I can't, I can't" and then you finally manage to say it. It's so wonderful.

Yeah. That's my current musical obsession. But everything in this post is something I adore.

RandomSauce

So, first off, to accompany this post from a few days ago, about "At The Ballet" from A Chorus Line, there's this video that Rle found. It's a poor quality video with decent sound of the original cast performing the song, and it's incredible to watch. It's also neat to get more intro to the song, and why it happens. WATCH THIS.

Next, an update on my Midsummer Night's Dream life: at the end of rehearsal today, our director goes, "Oh, and I forgot to put it on the schedule for this week, when you're supposed to be off book-"
I START TO PANIC INTERNALLY BECAUSE OFF-BOOK THIS WEEK IS NOT A THING- "and it's by Thursday, August 24, which is next Thursday."
Okay, still terrifying, but manageable. I might make it. We'll see.

And then there's this dream I had the other day that I told Rle about, and she thinks it's the funniest thing in the whole world, so I'm sharing- and because it's written, I get to make it seem really dramatic. Here goes!

The dream opens and I'm in this dark, crowded room, music playing, and flashing lights, an almost club-like atmosphere. Everyone is dressed up, semi-formal. I'm with my cousin, Sep, when a cute blonde in a bold pink dress walks by, and he stops her- "Hey, do you think I could buy you something?" She says yes, and begins to walk quickly away, as Sep glances back over his shoulder at me, clearly excited about this girl. I don't think she's all that interested in him, she just wants the food. In the way of dreams, I am suddenly aware that the point of this crowded room is food- if you're a guy, to offer to buy some for a girl, if you're a girl, to hope a guy approaches you. The food could be a meal or dessert, that's not clear to me, but not important.

As Sep walks away, I glance around again and become aware that I am with Rle. The two of us are waiting, hoping someone will approach us. Oddly, we're sitting on the ground. Apparently, there are no free tables, and we are too lazy to stand. Suddenly, a boy approaches; nice-looking, blonde, he offers to buy me food, and I accept. We walk over to the food line, waiting to order, I accidentally bump him once, then we get our food. In the way of dreams, I am suddenly aware that I am alone; it didn't work out with me and the boy (whether I thought he was a jerk or he thought I was too awkward, I'll never know). But at least he still bought me food. I begin to make my way back to where I left Rle sitting on the floor, but in our blank floorspace, there is a table with several chairs. Rle is sitting at it, with a boy and food. I joined them, with just my food.

And that was the whole dream. Rle thought it was HILARIOUS. I guess it is. The funniest thing for me was retelling it to my sister, with Rle listening again, as I try to explain the concept of this place we were in: "I guess it was like dating, but condensed? The whole point was food, guys to buy it for girls, or girls to get offered... I'm not really sure, but that's what it was." And then my sister just goes, "So like, a bar for Mormons."
Yes. That exactly. Nailed it.

I guess that's the RandomSauce for today.... We'll see what else I manage to write about later.

At The Ballet

So, my voice teacher, G.M. found this incredible performance of this AMAZING song from Chorus Line.
A little background- Chorus Line is a musical about auditioning to be in the chorus line for a show, and as part of the auditions, the casting director asks each of the dancers to tell him something about themselves. That's when "At The Ballet" happens.

OK. So, I LOVE Audra McDonald, and I LOVE Kelli O'Hara, and I don't know Megan Hilty but I need to look into her more. And this song is just... WOW.

I used to dance ballet. I danced for five years, and my sister danced for seven, and we only stopped because we moved to Podunk, where there weren't any good ballet schools. Usually, I'm fine, but watching this video- oh! that was it, exactly. Dancing was home, and it was beautiful. And at 4:50, when the music just swells, and then the dancers came out, I cried. I miss dancing, I do.

Also, I've since grown up into the most physically awkward person, but that's off-topic.

Anyhow, so then I found two more things, the original cast recording and Seth Rudetsky. So here's the deal. The original cast doesn't sing as well as Audra and Megan and Kelli, but that's because they're DANCERS. And hearing the emotion in their voice is just incredible. And then Seth- he's this Broadway pianist who posts videos dissecting Broadway shows and songs and people, and everything he says about "At The Ballet" is just so cool, and it adds so much to the song, and the whole story. It's incredible.

original cast recording

Seth Rudetsky

And finally, I found this performance, of the original cast, fifteen years later. WATCHING them do it, and knowing what Seth said about the stories... It's wow.

the song starts 40 seconds in

I'm just obsessed with this song. It's beautiful and heartbreaking and everything.

Yeah. I think that's it for today.

19 Years Go By So Quickly

Yeah. It's my birthday. 19 today. (mission, here I come!)
And I just feel retrospective, and I'm going to post some things about myself. (there were going to be 19 originally, but I started this post way too late. so I've got like 10. oh well.)  Things I love, things I've learned, things I'd like to leave behind.... So here we go.

love- READING. I've always been a reader, as long as I can remember. I've lived thousands of lives and been to a million places and books have saved me and inspired me and amazed me and I absolutely love them. The Chronicles of Narnia. The Harry Potter Series. The Books of Bayern. The Cry of the Icemark. The Bartimaeus Trilogy. The Percy Jackson Series. Just to name a few.  I grew up in worlds of ink and paper, with my dad reading us stories and bringing words to life. Reading is amazing.

learn- What other people think doesn't matter. And I don't mean ignore your parents or your very best friend's good advice. What I mean is, it doesn't matter if the girl in your class thinks your pants aren't cute enough or if the boy doesn't laugh at your jokes or if your hair/face/laugh/thing you love/hobby isn't fashionable or whatever else. If you spend your time worrying about pleasing others, it is far too easy to lose yourself in the disaster that high school and society can be. You're the only person who lives with you 100% of every day, and you need to be okay with who you are. And who you are is brilliant and bright.

leave- Insecurity. Because of what I just talked about, I've also realised that insecurity is something I can live without. Yes, it's scary to talk in front of people, and I'm nervous about singing or performing or auditions, and sometimes I may not like the way I look. But letting insecurity eat away at my love for myself is never worth it.

love- MUSIC. I've been singing for as long as I can remember, playing piano since second grade, bassoon since sixth, saxophone since ninth, writing music/songs since eighth grade. And music is a wonder. Ink on a page and creations of wood and metal can change moods, break hearts or mend them, hurt and heal. Music expresses what words cannot, and it is miraculous.

learn- It's okay to be weird. I spent ridiculous amounts of time in high school trying to be less weird than I thought I was. But ya know what? It's beautiful to be passionate about something, whether that's cars or Broadway or painting or calculus. There's no need to shave off the ragged edges of your weirdness, because that's what sets you apart from everyone else, what makes you powerful, worth talking to. Love the thing you love, do that thing you do, and know that you will be all the more interesting because of that. No one ever made history who wasn't called weird at some point.

leave- Toxic people. There are times when you may meet someone who brings you down- they guilt trip you or make you feel bad about yourself, they make you doubt yourself and your abilities, they make you question your worth. Don't let those people take up your time and eat away at your soul. Surround yourself with those who bring you up and encourage you and make you feel valuable and wonderful, because YOU ARE.

love- WRITING. Well, if you've been reading this, you know I write poetry, songs, words. There is something incredibly therapeutic about watching my soul come to life on a paper, organised and beautiful. And writing has been an incredible outlet for me, when I've been sad, lonely, happy, excited, angry, confused... Words are magical.

learn- Life is scary and hard and wonderful. Take chances. There will always be things you can't plan for, and unexpected events, but if you never try, you'll never succeed at anything. You will never know how much you may love something if you don't give it ago, and you will never know how much someone may mean to you if you never say hello. Don't let the things you're afraid of stop you from living.

leave- Unnecessary worry. If you can't change it, don't let it ruin your life. Make the changes you can, but accept that it may rain. Bring your umbrella, and enjoy it. Don't let tiny stresses take the joy out of life.

last, but not least- The Gospel is true and God loves you. That's it. That's the most important thing. I've had times of doubt and been lost, during high school. But the Gospel of Christ always ended up being the only thing that made any sense. And it always will. He will always be there, because He loves you.

Yeah. I guess I've grown up, some. Let's see the next 19?

Before It's Over

So, our choir program does a concert every year called Senior Solo where all the seniors get to perform- solos, duets, group numbers, whatever... It's always a ton of fun, and there are touching moments and silly ones and all sorts of things in between.

Well, today was our Senior Solo concert, and I sang this:

This musical is INCREDIBLE (although language warning-- it's BAD.) But anyhow. I adore this song, and I realised it would be perfect for the senior-growing-up-and-moving-on type idea. Also, I identify with it, way too much-- I wrote about it in this post. Basically, I just feel like I'm always last choice, fading into the background, and that my friends, the people I adore, don't really care if I'm around. It's awful. So when I thought of "Before It's Over" for a senior solo song idea, I knew I HAD to do it. Even if no one else knew exactly how personal it was for me, I knew it had to happen.

So I worked on it, and tonight I sang it, with a friend of mine, Lah, playing piano for me. I felt like it was alright, but not awesome- but then I received so many sincere compliments, telling me that I was wonderful (off-topic segue to another Dogfight song!), and I was sort of blown away. Two girls told me that it just got them, right from the first line- and that they almost cried. And they asked if I wrote it.

Wow.

That statement. I wish I could write music this powerful and moving! But that they thought I could, that I performed it that convincingly...

Wow.

Anyhow. I told them I didn't, and that it's from a musical, but they still seemed so impressed. And then I was telling my family about this conversation, and my mom said that it almost did seem like something I had written, at first.

And I wish I could write like that.

But the other thing is, that's an incredible compliment for me, because it makes me feel like I performed the song the right way. And even though people don't know that I really do identify with the character of Rose in this aspect, and that I really was singing about myself... They felt it.

And I'm so pleased.
And also somewhat astounded.

Music is a powerful, beautiful, wonderful thing, and I am so grateful that I was able to share it, and have it mean something to my audience. :]

HELP.

Short post, ready go! So, here's the deal:

The AP Psychology test is this afternoon, and AP Calculus is tomorrow.
I have Choir Festival this afternoon, after Psych.
Next Monday is the choir concert, Tuesday is the AP Government test, and our jazz band concert.

Here's the kicker:
I missed Thursday and Friday last week because of Small-School All-State Band (bassoon, YAY!).
I missed last Monday because of Band Festival.
I missed the Monday and Tuesday before that for all-day rehearsals for our school musical (I was playing keyboard in the pit).
I missed Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday before that for All-State Choir.

When I signed up for these AP classes, I didn't realise I'd be missing the three weeks immediately preceding them for all these other extra-curricular shenanigans. YIKES.

SO... I'm a little stressed. This is gonna be an adventure.

Almost Real

So, there is a musical called the Bridges of Madison County, and there is this INCREDIBLE song in it called "Almost Real." It was introduced to me by my voice teacher, G.M.

I'm obsessed with it.

It's an absolutely stunning piece of music, and watching Kelli O'Hara sing it is amazing, because she is SO committed to the character, and there is so much emotion.
Basically it's perfect.

And also.... I can't get over this song, because it expressed something I couldn't- that is, the feeling of being not quite real, overshadowed by and compared to those around you. But this song did for me. In fact-earlier this month I wrote a poem about it...

So, here is my

Almost Real

Almost real... What a feeling
Or, more like a dream
It's silently wishing
When you want to scream
And I didn't expect
To find my story
Or someone to connect
In that girl from Napoli
But I listened to her voice
And I watched her sing
And it wasn't my choice
But I knew she was me!
I was myself mirrored
In the story she sang
And saw myself clearer
In that tragic refrain
Almost real- when you live in shadows
And never can compete
When your friends are all heroes
And you're the deadbeat
You feel like you don't matter
And you have to run away
Before they see you shatter
There has to be some place
Where you won't be compared
To them, you can just feel
But it's too far to get there,
To the dream of being real...
And, forced to doubt yourself
By the superior types
You don't look for help
Of any meaningful kind
Because those closest to you
Somehow make you feel small
Like you could disappear
And they wouldn't notice at all
And so I understand 'Cesca
And so I want to sing
Her song of Italia
Because it's also of me!
And I know the desire,
The horrible need, to feel
Like you're significant:
To be almost real


Yeah. Wow, that's long. But it's how I feel, more often than I'd like. And why this song is everything to me.

Plus, also, it's basically perfect.

This Is Going Well...

Today was... A day.

I'm in the big choir at my school, and we're leaving on Wednesday for a competition in Orlando, Florida. 

We'll also be doing an exchange concert at Stetson University, 

eating dinner at Medieval Times, 

going to Universal Studios with a parkhopper pass to include Islands of Adventure 

AND The Wizarding World Of Harry Potter, 

Kennedy Space Center,

Cocoa Beach and Ron Jon's, 

and Disneyworld, with parkhopper passes to include the Animal Kingdom 

and Epcot. It's gonna be pretty cool!

Also, Elsa and Anna will be in Switzerland every two hours... :D

However, as a choir, I don't feel like we're ready for this competition... It's gonna be sort of an adventure.

But this is about today in my choir class. My teacher basically lectured the alto section (my section) about the "power struggle" we're apparently having and over-singing and how no one person can carry the section and it has to be a team effort, and that we better figure ourselves out. She also said that she wouldn't single anyone out in front of the choir, but she WOULD set up a meeting at a later date with the offending student(s) and their parents.

 Pause.

 Maybe this doesn't seem like a big deal, but to me it was 

HUGE.

Music means more to me than almost anything in the world, and I take it very seriously. And my director's comments worry me because I am LOUD. And I know that. And I know that sometimes I have a problem with oversinging... But I work very hard not to, and I don't think I have been... But I can't always tell.

And according to our director, there's also animosity in the also section, and that shows in the way we sing... I guess we all secretly hate each other or something? I dunno... It bums me out, because I honestly like all the girls in my section- they're AWESOME.

But, the thing is, I've already had problems this year... Been called into the director's office once and lectured... I left in tears. It was pretty stupid actually, a misunderstanding with my section leaders that they felt they needed to talk to our director about instead of resolving it with me.

So I'm worried that our director thinks I want to be section leader, and I don't respect my section leaders, and that I oversing. I'm worried I'm one of the problems in my section. And that TERRIFIES me. And I left that class this afternoon almost in tears, because I'm that worried.

And this was all compounded by show choir rehearsal this afternoon. She was getting on a group of us for singing a note wrong, and the whole time she was staring directly at me, because I was wrong two weeks ago. But I've fixed it! And I know I'm singing it right!

So I think I'm on the Bad List this year, and I'm so worried... Because she's kicked people out of choir before... And it would absolutely devestate me if that happened. Eeek.

On the plus side, Florida! ... Ha. :/

Music Is Lovely

I basically just keep listening to four songs on repeat, and they are my life right now.

Say Something, by A Great Big World,

(although I don't particularly care for her in this song, I love the harmonies)

AND I really LOVE the Pentatonix cover.

Laughter, by AcoustiMandoBrony.

Alone, by Hirosashii.

Invisible, by Hunter Hayes.

Two really sad songs, and two that are optimistic and heal my hurting soul a little bit. But I'm still having a rough go of it.

And that is my contribution for today.

I STAND ALL AMAZED

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,
That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,
That he should extend his great love unto such as I,

Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify. 
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt.
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat,
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet. 
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

Text and music: Charles H. Gabriel, 1856-1932 

This is one of my absolute, very favourite hymns. Has been since I was about twelve, I think. It's so powerful and moving and absolutely true. This Sunday, I was privileged to attend a morningside by the BYU Young Ambassadors, about how God loves and knows each person individually. IT WAS AMAZING. The Spirit filled up that room like CRAZY! And they opened with an INCREDIBLE arrangement of this song. The morning side was exactly what I needed. :]

Birthdays & a Brother & Bassoon & Band!

Today's post is full of random. Fair warning.

Yesterday was the birthday of two of my dearest friends, Spo and Tri.

I've been close to Spo since the fifth grade, back in Podunk- and random things I remember, the first real conversation we had was about cancer; her uncle had it and so did my grandma. And so that's what a pair of eleven year-old girls bonded over. Great, right? She's amazing, and hilarious, and funny, and she's been one of the things that has kept me sane. She's listened to me vent and cry and tell funny stories and I've done the same for her, and I love her a ton! Since I moved away from Podunk two and a half years ago, she's one of the only people I still talk to. Talking to her always makes my week- I kid you not when I tell you that sometimes we crack jokes that are five years old and still laugh hysterically. She's just fantastic.

(Also, just for the record, we talk on the phone. Like, not texting. That's right, teenagers still know how to do that!)

And then there's Tri. I met her a few months after I moved out here to Myneton, when she moved here too. She was in my ward, and I spent the first few moths she moved here trying to get her to come to seminary, come to Mutual, get involved. She was being home schooled. I was actually super obnoxious, but she told me later that my efforts to reach out to her meant a lot to her. She's helped me through some hard stuff, and I've been there for her, and I am very glad I know her, even though she moved away less than a year after she got here. Tragic.

So I talked to both of them yesterday, and I just think they are fantastic and you all need to know that!

I say you all but I seriously doubt anyone actually reads this blog. Ha. ;)

On the subject of birthdays, later this week is Rle's birthday, which I'm excited about, because I just love her! I'll probably devote a whole post to her later. There is a LOT I could say. 

And! Next Monday is my big brother's birthday! He's currently on a mission in Mexico, and just for the record, he writes THE COOLEST letters home! But I've been working on a letter for him, and it's kind of a huge one. Ok, so all of my letters to him are super long. But this one's a really big deal. My older brother is one of the best people on the planet. He's a role model to me, and I really look up to him and I love him a lot. So. Yeah. Birthday letter? Big deal!

Also, two of my cousins have birthdays this month, and my dad and my aunt. Crazy busy, right?

And the last thing for today is band. Our region's honour band is this week, and I'm in it- I play bassoon actually. If you don't know what a bassoon is, here:

Anyhow. Best instrument ever! I've been playing since the sixth grade. Love it! But! Honour band. All the best instrumentalists from the surrounding schools get to come patrticipate- it's sorta a big deal. Except that Myneton is the biggest city in the area and our high school has an enrollment of about 1300. The other schools are even smaller, and super spread out, because we live in the rural middle of nowhere. But that's ok!

So there's about 100 band geeks on a stage, and we rehearse all day today and all day tomorrow and then we do a concert and everyone goes home. It's super cool. And our guest conductor is from a high school in the next state over that has one of the best bands ever- it's marching band has won the Bands of America competition under his direction multiple times, and the concert band is better than many college ensembles. And he's a crazy good director, so it's basically a blast.

Except for that today, I had a tragic occurrence. I broke the bocal of my bassoon, snapped right in two. BAD. BADBADBADBADBADBADBADBADBAD! Thankfully, I have an extra bocal, but I'm going to have to replace the other one-and it's actually my school's instrument. So. There's that. I'm super upset about it, though, because it was so STUPID and AWFUL. I've been playing since sixth grade. SIXTH GRADE. And I've never damaged my instrument like that. Ugh. I felt so bad about it. Miserable. Ok, also. This is the third year I've been playing this particular bassoon and I've named it Phillippe. You don't get that attached to an instrument and not get upset if you damage it.

I kid you not. At our lunch break, I went and got ice cream, and I was eating it like I'd gone through a bad breakup. Chocolate, with cookie dough and brownie bites and chocolate chips and hot fudge and caramel and whipped cream. I'm upset. Really upset. It's not fun. I mean, it hasn't rendered my bassoon unplayable... But I still feel AWFUL.

I was at lunch with Rle and my little sister. I think they were concerned for me. But then, we had this idea...
So I texted Tak and Mec:

Eating ice cream like I just went through a bad breakup....

Tak responded first: Oh boy. What kind?
Me: A really painful unexpected one. Unless you're asking about the ice cream, then it's chocolate.
Tak: The ice cream actually, but if you want to talk about the other I'm cool with that too
Me: Haha... Actually, I'm just super upset because I broke my bassoon.
Tak: That'll do it
Me: Eeyupp. And it's just the first day of honour band, no big deal....
Tak: Isn't the concert tomorrow night?
Me: Eeyupp.
Tak: Shoot.
Tak: Is it fixable?
Me: Yeah... Already taken care of, actually. I just snapped the bocal in half and I have two... But they're different and I have to pay for the new one, and it was such a stupid thing to happen. I'm just really upset about it. Felt the need to complain.
Tak: Feel better?
Me: Totally. Ice cream and complaining fix everything.
Tak: Totes

***I could not believe he said that. Super out of character for him!***

Then the conversation went other directions.

Mec replied a few minutes later: Ice cream is awesome.
Me: Yep.
Mec: Is everything ok
Me: I just broke Phillippe, is all. Rather upsetting.
Mec: Aww
Me: Yeah. It's fixable. And not gonna ruin honour band for me. But upsetting.
Mec: I know the feels
Me: Yeah...

Then that conversation went other directions too. And then I had the afternoon rehearsal session for honour band.

So yeah. That was my day today. I'm super bummed about my Phillippe. But it's fixable. But still.

This week is adventurous. :P

My Soul on Paper

Words are incredibly powerful. There's a reason why songs have lyrics, poetry is so moving, a novel can make you laugh, cry, jump for joy... 

Words are magic.

And sometimes, I try to capture a little bit of that magic, to express myself. I write poetry and song lyrics, and within the last few years I've started writing piano parts for my lyrics.

Maybe one of these days if I'm feeling brave, I'll post some on here. Maybe.

Sharing is hard for me, because when I'm writing, it's the deepest parts of me that I'm putting on a page. It's terrifying for me to throw my soul out to the world, not knowing how it will be received... And I'm not sure if I'm good or not. Some of it is, maybe... I dunno. But! That's not what this post is about.

This is about 'I'm Sorry Now' which is the set of lyrics that I most recently completed.

A friend of mine, Vig, is a crazy cool musician, but he only writes instrumentals. So at the beginning of last month, he called me over at lunch to listen to this piece he'd wrote- really pretty, but really sad. And he asked me to write lyrics for him, because he knows I do that.

So for the last month, Vig and I have been collaborating on this piece. It's the first time I've ever written something with somebody else. This is a whole new level of terrifying for me.

Because it's super weird for me to let somebody else in like that, to have Vig see all the little bits and pieces as a song comes together. It's weird because writing is such a personal thing, so close to my heart, such a huge piece of my soul. And it's scary.

We've actually finished it, roughly. Got all the words and the music, just gotta put it together. And I like it a lot; I think it's fantastic. It's one of my favourite pieces that I've ever written. So it was probably good for me to get out of my comfort zone and work with Vig on this.

However, that doesn't make it any less terrifying. Letting people see my soul exposed like that... Yikes. Just yikes.

But I did it. :]

Just January 2nd, Everyone...

Today's been a bit weird for me...

Just kicking around. Chillin'. School's still out, you know. So I haven't got much to do.

Except for that I can't help thinking about one year ago today. And wowza, one year has flown by.

One year ago, I had a day pretty much just like this one. Until I got on Facebook that evening to see posts from friends back where I used to live, Podunk Tinytown, saying that the band had lost a great member and asking everyone to wear best dress in his honour the next day.

His name was Rory. He was a friend of mine. And he'd committed suicide. He was sixteen.

I texted my best friend, Tak, frantically telling him that he couldn't die anytime in the near future, told him why I was freaking out... I don't remember what he said. Just that it helped. I cried on my older brother's shoulder for ten minutes, while he rubbed my back and just talked to me... And I cried myself to sleep that night, seriously grateful that I didn't have school in the morning.

And I don't know why Rory did it, but I know he left a little farming community and one girl the next state over reeling.

January was not a good month for me.

I had a hard time dealing with his death, because nobody knew him. I couldn't talk to anybody. And it almost didn't seem real, because I didn't have to deal with his absence every day.

I went to the funeral the next week, missed a day of school for it. My mom and older brother went with me, Mom for support, my brother because he was friends with Rory's brother. On our drive out there (242 miles of desert), it was really foggy... And I commented that it looked like when the graphics on a video game wouldn't load. And my brother made a joke "Reality is having a hard time rendering today." Which was funny, until I realised how perfectly it applied. That drive was also the first time I heard the song 'Two Black Cadillacs' by Carrie Underwood; I still don't listen to it.

So we got to the church... And I walked in to the room where the casket was. And suddenly it was real. That was my friend. Lying in that casket. He was gone. And then, we walked up to his family, and his mom knew my name. I'd moved away almost two years earlier, and I didn't recall ever being formally introduced to her. But she knew my name. That got me.

I walked out of that room and burst into tears on the shoulder of one of my best friends from Podunk, Spo. I sat by her and Rab and a few of our other friends during the service. That was hard. It was honestly the worst reason I ever could have had to go back to visit.

I had a hard time dealing with it, back at home... Talked to Spo a lot, which helped. And my good friends here knew... A bit after, Ael asked me exactly how close I'd been to him.

And I had trouble explaining it to her... But I've moved a lot. And for me, when I move, it feels like everything goes on pause, like I could go right back and pick up where I left off with my friends and nothing would have changed... And Rory wasn't one of my best friends... But I met him in the sixth grade, and we were in the same group- I loved the kid. He was quiet but hilarious, with the biggest imagination, and the biggest heart. The thing is, for me, it felt like I could go back and still be chill with him, and there was also the potential that we could've become better friends. So it was hard for me to lose him. I didn't explain that very well to Ael. So.

 I was an emotional wreck. But, music is a huge deal to me, and a saving grace. Two songs that helped me immensely were 'Every Storm' by Gary Allen, which had just come out, and 'A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief'-- "peace bound up my broken heart".

A few other songs since are 'I Drive Your Truck' by Lee Brice and 'Drink a Beer' by Luke Bryan- although I don't agree with the drinking, it's an amazing song.

The only thing that really got me through the whole trauma, though, was the Gospel. I know there's a chance I'll see him again. I know this world isn't the end of everything. And I know that we don't have all the answers... There's a great article by M. Russell Ballard that ran in the Ensign a few years back and that's been turned into a little book- "Suicide: Some Things We Know , and Some We Do Not." There are so many inspiring thoughts found in there, and so much comfort. Without my testimony of the next life and forgiveness, the atonement, and Christ's love, I don't know if I could have ever dealt with it.

Some days it still gets me.

But I'll be ok.

But yeah. Today was odd.