Pontificating

General Conference was this last weekend. It was full of good shenanigans with friends and a lot of doctrine. And maybe I will talk about the shenanigans later. Because right now, I just need to get some things down.

Friday afternoon we went with the friend crew up to Salt Lake to do a session in the temple. It was a really lovely experience, but man, it had me feeling some kind of way.

I don't know how to explain it exactly. As I've gotten older and my faith has gotten deeper, I've started to see a lot more nuance in the world, and I have a lot more questions. I'll have to write more about this, but not now. But the things that I keep holding on to are that the Gods, my Heavenly Parents, are in their heavens and They know me and love me, the temple feels like home in a way that I don't have the vocabulary to describe, and that the Book of Mormon brings light into my life.

But we went through this session, and I was so glad to be there with some of the people in this world who mean the most to me, and then sitting in the celestial room, after everything, I was just... overwhelmed.

There was an ache in my soul that I can't explain.

It is a strange sort of dissonance that I feel so at home in a place that I do not understand, and when I feel like there are significant problems with the institution of the church, but o! I love the temple.

And I was remembering when I went through the temple for the very first time, with my family, and it was this temple, and I had this startlingly clear memory of watching them all come into the celestial room one by one and being so glad they were there.

I was filled with love for my family and the friends I was there with and the fact that I was there, and it drowned out my confusion somehow, and all I could think was how I wanted to be there someday with everyone I love. But the questions I have, they still existed too.

And then when we went to leave, every step I took away from the celestial room felt like knives under my feet and some gaping hole in my soul opened wider and wider with every pace.

I had the feeling I was leaving something very important behind me, and I missed it so desperately.

I have never felt that before.

And then there was general conference, that wonderful semi-annual broadcast in which we hear from the leaders of the church. And so many of the messages were wonderful, but so many hit me in ways that I didn't expect. There was almost a feeling of... exclusivity, that I have never felt before.

Maybe it's simply because I've learned a lot in the last few years, and even in the last six months, my perspective has changed.

But there were more talks than I expected to that hurt, that left me wondering about the people who didn't fit those molds exactly, comments that somehow don't seem to align with the everlasting love of the Heavenly Parents that I know.

Of five sessions, only two women spoke. I was hoping for one every session, which feels like a low bar, but somehow we can't even manage it. And something about it feels so wrong to me, that the Apostles say over and over to listen to and respect the women, and we don't get to speak.

It doesn't feel right.

And it doesn't feel right that we never talk about Heavenly Mother. She is real, too, and surely she cares.

Don't give me that, "It's out of respect."

We respect our Father.

Don't give me that, "He's protecting Her."

She doesn't need to be protected from us, her children, the mortal progeny that she helped create.

Don't give me that, "It's just the way it is, it's the revelation we've received."

Because the way it is is run by men, and don't get me started on the patriarchal order of things (which is great in some ways, but also), but the thing is is that you ask questions that you need answers to, and somehow I wonder if the men standing in to lead the church have never felt the need to see the feminine in the Divine, never felt the aching to know that they were equal.

They certainly didn't go to the temple for the first time and gasp when a man administered an ordinance, they way I did when a woman administered to me.

I feel that there is so much more we could talk about, so much we are missing, because some of the needs aren't felt as keenly by those we have at the top. (and should it even be a top, it certainly feels that way, but aren't we all to serve each other, and I know authority matters, but still, should it feel like the top)

Women matter, we are equal partners, and yet.

And yet.

Two speakers out of thirty-one. Two prayers out of ten.

And you know, last October, when we wondered where all the women were, they said it was because of the women's session. And sure, it was wonderful and uplifting, but only one woman spoke in a general session. But this session, when it was the priesthood session, there was no great influx of women in the other sessions to round it out.

Womanhood, Heavenly Mother, representation.

These are just a few of the questions I had, a few of the things that didn't sit right with me during the wonderful weekend that was the 189th Annual General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

But it's all juxtaposed against the feeling that I left something crucial behind me when I walked out of the celestial room in the Salt Lake Temple Friday night, that that place is home.

I can't let go of that feeling.

But that doesn't stop the hurt, or the questions.

Annnnnnnd I'm Back

How many times am I going to post about how bad at this I am?

These last few months have been rough. I haven't been motivated to do anything. I have been falling behind in all my classes. I haven't been reading my scriptures. I sleep through sacrament meeting. I will blame that on the time (1:30 is naptime, okay?). I haven't wanted to do ANYTHING.

But I am doing better.

I've been praying. I've been trying to come back.

And conference happened and it was amazing. And then I wrote this poem for this project for my religion class, and reading it back over, it hit me to the heart that this is true and that I'm where I ought to be.

I still have a lot of work to do. But I'm happier than I have been in a long time. So, for your enjoyment, nonexistent readers, here is this poem I wrote that is currently everything to me. It's not a good poem, technically. It's not well-executed and the metre is a disaster. But it's everything to me.

It's all true. And God loves me.

Truth

Look at these truths that I know
All that has been restored 
Now in these latter days
In the glory of the Lord

There's much I don't understand
And much that I've yet to learn
But firm in this faith I stand 
As I feel my spirit burn

I know that God exists
Because a young man said a prayer 
And in a brilliant answer
God and His Son were there

I know that God exists
I've seen His hand in my life
And when I needed help
He saved me every single time

I know about my Saviour
Of His mission and His life 
And the plan of salvation
That sets everything aright

I know about my Saviour 
From the Book of Mormon's words
That He came to all His people
Here and on other worlds

I've learned of the atonement 
Of salvation and of grace
I cannot comprehend them
But I know that they're in place

That through Christ's great atonement
Comes salvation through God's grace
And that one day, the plan fulfilled
I'll see Him face to face

And it will not be a meeting
Between some unknown god and me
But instead come with the feeling
That I'm where I'm meant to be

For when I say Heavenly Father

The words are literal and true

I know that I'm His daughter

This was restored too

A child of the divine

In a family eternal

Because the bonds that we make here on earth

Are far more than superficial

This truth came through the prophet

Through that young man who had prayed

Who was called to lay the foundation

Of this work in these last days

It's through God's holy priesthood

Eternal promises are sealed

On the Susquehannah and in Kirtland

These keys were once again revealed

The authority to baptise

Heal the sick and raise the dead

To call down blessings from on high

Is on the earth again

And the authority to bind

On earth and in heaven

To seal families for all time

O wondrous truth is given!

And all these things I know

And I know what I one day will see

A child of Heavenly Parents

As they are, I too will be

So many truths restored

Since that day in 1820

All that means so much to me

What shapes my eternity

And I know all of this is true

Although I wasn't there

Because I have felt my spirit burning

Because God has heard my prayer

Weeks Went By Like What

Ok, so a lot of stuff has gone down these last two weeks and I need to get it all down.

First off, I feel like I've discovered one of my reasons for being here at BYU, which means a lot to me. Last Thursday morning, the university sent out an email telling everyone about a lecture by an almuna, Liz Shropshire. Billed as "Teaching Children Peace Through Music: The Life-Changing Impact of Music Education for Children in War Zones", the lecture was supposed to "details Shropshire's work in refugee camps and communities across Syria, Northern Ireland, and Uganda."

I went on a total whim. Music education is what I want to do. Refugees are people, incredible resilient people with heartbreaking stories, and I was interested. And what I heard changed me.

Liz went to Kosovo on a relief trip in 1999, and raised money to bring instruments to give to the children, just pennywhistles and harmonicas. She taught these kids music and then knew that she had to keep coming back. So she started a non-profit organisation, and then established a program in Kosovo, and eventually it grew to the point where it's run entirely by Kosovo youth volunteers and runs all year and Liz only goes to check up.

She expanded out to Northern Ireland, Uganda, and most recently to Greece. She told stories of children who came into her programs looking broken and helpless, who suffered from screaming nightmares, who found solace in their music. They keep their instruments on them all the time and they play and sing all the time. The smiles start. The nightmares stop. And the youth learn they can make a difference, learn leadership, and love serving the children. It's a win for everyone.

Her website, Teaching Peace Through Music, explains a lot more about them. I'll share an excerpt: 

The Shropshire Music Foundation develops youth leadership and capacity for peacemaking and problem-solving in global conflict zones through the establishment of locally-run, youth-led music education programs. These programs provide local children opportunities for education, trauma relief, expression, and creativity and local teenagers opportunities to develop leadership, teaching, and expressive skills, to become role models in their communities, to access broader opportunities for education, and to reduce vulnerability to extremist group participation.

The Shropshire Music Foundation provides free musical instruments and instruction to former child soldiers and refugees in some of the world’s most war-torn locations: Uganda, Kosovo, Northern Ireland, and Syrian Refugee Centers. Since 1999, we have taught more than 17,000 young people that through music they can bring healing, hope, and peace to their communities.

I was honestly so blown away by this lecture, and the follow-up Q&A session the next day. We're hoping to start an official club here at the university, and possibly to start working with refugees in Salt Lake and Provo, using her program. And I haven't felt this excited or this right about anything since I got my mission call and on my mission. I know, without a doubt, that this is something I have to be a part of. For how long, I'll see, but I'm sure I am here right now so I could hear about this.

God guides us, truly.

But wait, there's more. September was not a good month for me, in terms of motivation and spirituality and life. So on Sunday, I fasted for the strength to accomplish and overcome everything that stood before me.

Diving foreshadowing. On Sunday night, my parents told my siblings and I that my dad has lost his job. The mine did some rearrangin' and his position didn't make the cut. Enter period of uncertainty for us.

But I have faced this week confident in the fact that God will watch over us and guide my daddy to the next place he's supposed to be and that it will all turn out ok. And I attribute much of my serenity to the fast on Sunday.

God is giving me strength.

I'm also suffering from an intense renewed desire to do my schoolwork and earn scholarships and make as little stress for my parents as possible, which is a good thing.

Had an incredible Book of Mormon class again in which our teacher talked about how important it is to make sure that we talk about Heavenly Father- sometimes in the Church, we as members talk about Christ so much that we never mention our Father in Heaven. And if Christ were here, well, what would He say about that? The whole plan comes back to our Father, His love for us, the fact that we can be with Him again.

And it was simultaneously a super uplifting and very validating moment for me, because I had noticed this tendency, especially on my mission, and I tried so hard not to do this. Because my relationship with Heavenly Father means everything to me, knowing that I am His daughter helps me understand my purpose, and I can't wait to be with Him again.

God knows me, and He loves me.

Also, it was my mom's birthday yesterday.

And the finally, today. I have a job working as a custodian at the MTC, and today I was working on something when two elders came up to me and asked if they could share a short message with me. Of course, I agreed.

They read me Doctrine and Covenants 19:16-18.

For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent;
But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I;
Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—

And they asked me how knowing someone cared that much for me would impact me. I told them, truthfully, it would make me want to do what that person wanted, and to do what was best.

And then these two sweet, terrifiedly nervous elders, bore sincere and powerful testimony that God loves me that much, that He knows me and watches over me and will take care of me.

And I needed to hear it. I so did.

And to top it all off, I went to the temple with a couple of friends/coworkers, and I just got back and sat down to write this post because WOW.

I haven't been since the start of September, and it was so sweet to be in the House of the Lord. Every time I am there, I feel like I am home. I so needed to be there today.

I have so much to learn. But there is so much that I love about the temple. And the sweetest moment was sitting in the celestial room, pondering, and the hymn, O My Father came to mind. I sang through the whole thing, reveling in the beauty of the words. And especially the first and fourth verses.

O my Father, thou that dwellest 

In the high and glorious place, 

When shall I regain thy presence 

And again behold thy face? 

In thy holy habitation, 

Did my spirit once reside? 

In my first primeval childhood 

Was I nurtured near thy side?  

In the heav’ns are parents single? 

No, the thought makes reason stare! 

Truth is reason; truth eternal 

Tells me I’ve a mother there. 

When I leave this frail existence, 

When I lay this mortal by, 

Father, Mother, may I meet you 

In your royal courts on high? 

Then, at length, when I’ve completed 

All you sent me forth to do, 

With your mutual approbation 

Let me come and dwell with you.

I mean, I was thinking it in German, but the overall effect is the same.

I am overwhelmed by God's love and awareness of me, and by the glory of the fact that I can return to live with Him again.

Today was a perfect day. :)