RandomSauce

So, first off, to accompany this post from a few days ago, about "At The Ballet" from A Chorus Line, there's this video that Rle found. It's a poor quality video with decent sound of the original cast performing the song, and it's incredible to watch. It's also neat to get more intro to the song, and why it happens. WATCH THIS.

Next, an update on my Midsummer Night's Dream life: at the end of rehearsal today, our director goes, "Oh, and I forgot to put it on the schedule for this week, when you're supposed to be off book-"
I START TO PANIC INTERNALLY BECAUSE OFF-BOOK THIS WEEK IS NOT A THING- "and it's by Thursday, August 24, which is next Thursday."
Okay, still terrifying, but manageable. I might make it. We'll see.

And then there's this dream I had the other day that I told Rle about, and she thinks it's the funniest thing in the whole world, so I'm sharing- and because it's written, I get to make it seem really dramatic. Here goes!

The dream opens and I'm in this dark, crowded room, music playing, and flashing lights, an almost club-like atmosphere. Everyone is dressed up, semi-formal. I'm with my cousin, Sep, when a cute blonde in a bold pink dress walks by, and he stops her- "Hey, do you think I could buy you something?" She says yes, and begins to walk quickly away, as Sep glances back over his shoulder at me, clearly excited about this girl. I don't think she's all that interested in him, she just wants the food. In the way of dreams, I am suddenly aware that the point of this crowded room is food- if you're a guy, to offer to buy some for a girl, if you're a girl, to hope a guy approaches you. The food could be a meal or dessert, that's not clear to me, but not important.

As Sep walks away, I glance around again and become aware that I am with Rle. The two of us are waiting, hoping someone will approach us. Oddly, we're sitting on the ground. Apparently, there are no free tables, and we are too lazy to stand. Suddenly, a boy approaches; nice-looking, blonde, he offers to buy me food, and I accept. We walk over to the food line, waiting to order, I accidentally bump him once, then we get our food. In the way of dreams, I am suddenly aware that I am alone; it didn't work out with me and the boy (whether I thought he was a jerk or he thought I was too awkward, I'll never know). But at least he still bought me food. I begin to make my way back to where I left Rle sitting on the floor, but in our blank floorspace, there is a table with several chairs. Rle is sitting at it, with a boy and food. I joined them, with just my food.

And that was the whole dream. Rle thought it was HILARIOUS. I guess it is. The funniest thing for me was retelling it to my sister, with Rle listening again, as I try to explain the concept of this place we were in: "I guess it was like dating, but condensed? The whole point was food, guys to buy it for girls, or girls to get offered... I'm not really sure, but that's what it was." And then my sister just goes, "So like, a bar for Mormons."
Yes. That exactly. Nailed it.

I guess that's the RandomSauce for today.... We'll see what else I manage to write about later.

A Midsummer Night's Dream

So, I'm waiting for my mission call to come. And so I've involved myself in the local college's production of Shakespeare's 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' because it runs in October, and I might as well!

And I LOVE this show! The first time I saw it was the summer before I started eighth grade, so... 2010. A while ago. But my older brother played Lysander, and a bunch of my other friends were in the production, and I just remember thinking what and INCREDIBLE show it was. It was so. funny. and so clever!

If you don't know A Midsummer Night's Dream, I recommend this helpful summary (although it does have a slight language issue.) But it's really good.

So of course, when I found out auditions were being held, I had to go! Rle auditioned too, which is great. Yay friends! But anyhow- Auditions were last week, and the cast list came out last Friday- Rle got cast as Egeus, Hermia's father, and I got cast as Titania, the fairy queen.

Which is wonderful! Except for one thing- I am an AWKWARD soul. I am not at all what I would envision as a fairy queen. Like, when I told my sister that there are several scenes where the fairies dance, and one where I have the line, "We shall dance with fairy grace," she just laughed. And one of my friends, an adult lady named Jor, who's helping with costuming/tech for the show, did the same thing. GUYS. I am NOT graceful at all! It's gonna be one fun adventure...

Seriously, though, I am SO STOKED to be in this show. I love it so much, and it's going to be wonderful!

Unless the fairy queen Titania trips onstage and takes out Oberon the fairy king, or some other equally awful idea. I guess we'll see.

At The Ballet

So, my voice teacher, G.M. found this incredible performance of this AMAZING song from Chorus Line.
A little background- Chorus Line is a musical about auditioning to be in the chorus line for a show, and as part of the auditions, the casting director asks each of the dancers to tell him something about themselves. That's when "At The Ballet" happens.

OK. So, I LOVE Audra McDonald, and I LOVE Kelli O'Hara, and I don't know Megan Hilty but I need to look into her more. And this song is just... WOW.

I used to dance ballet. I danced for five years, and my sister danced for seven, and we only stopped because we moved to Podunk, where there weren't any good ballet schools. Usually, I'm fine, but watching this video- oh! that was it, exactly. Dancing was home, and it was beautiful. And at 4:50, when the music just swells, and then the dancers came out, I cried. I miss dancing, I do.

Also, I've since grown up into the most physically awkward person, but that's off-topic.

Anyhow, so then I found two more things, the original cast recording and Seth Rudetsky. So here's the deal. The original cast doesn't sing as well as Audra and Megan and Kelli, but that's because they're DANCERS. And hearing the emotion in their voice is just incredible. And then Seth- he's this Broadway pianist who posts videos dissecting Broadway shows and songs and people, and everything he says about "At The Ballet" is just so cool, and it adds so much to the song, and the whole story. It's incredible.

original cast recording

Seth Rudetsky

And finally, I found this performance, of the original cast, fifteen years later. WATCHING them do it, and knowing what Seth said about the stories... It's wow.

the song starts 40 seconds in

I'm just obsessed with this song. It's beautiful and heartbreaking and everything.

Yeah. I think that's it for today.

Almost Real

So, there is a musical called the Bridges of Madison County, and there is this INCREDIBLE song in it called "Almost Real." It was introduced to me by my voice teacher, G.M.

I'm obsessed with it.

It's an absolutely stunning piece of music, and watching Kelli O'Hara sing it is amazing, because she is SO committed to the character, and there is so much emotion.
Basically it's perfect.

And also.... I can't get over this song, because it expressed something I couldn't- that is, the feeling of being not quite real, overshadowed by and compared to those around you. But this song did for me. In fact-earlier this month I wrote a poem about it...

So, here is my

Almost Real

Almost real... What a feeling
Or, more like a dream
It's silently wishing
When you want to scream
And I didn't expect
To find my story
Or someone to connect
In that girl from Napoli
But I listened to her voice
And I watched her sing
And it wasn't my choice
But I knew she was me!
I was myself mirrored
In the story she sang
And saw myself clearer
In that tragic refrain
Almost real- when you live in shadows
And never can compete
When your friends are all heroes
And you're the deadbeat
You feel like you don't matter
And you have to run away
Before they see you shatter
There has to be some place
Where you won't be compared
To them, you can just feel
But it's too far to get there,
To the dream of being real...
And, forced to doubt yourself
By the superior types
You don't look for help
Of any meaningful kind
Because those closest to you
Somehow make you feel small
Like you could disappear
And they wouldn't notice at all
And so I understand 'Cesca
And so I want to sing
Her song of Italia
Because it's also of me!
And I know the desire,
The horrible need, to feel
Like you're significant:
To be almost real


Yeah. Wow, that's long. But it's how I feel, more often than I'd like. And why this song is everything to me.

Plus, also, it's basically perfect.

2014??

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I guess that means it's time for the mandatory looking-back-on-the-old-year-post, so here it is. For me, 2013 was...

Crazy. Ha.

January
-The first real tragedy in my life, when a friend of mine committed suicide on the 2. He was 16.
-I received a poem and a confession and because of that...
 -I took a big chance, opening up my heart to Tak, really putting myself out there. And then for the whole month of January, he was on-again-off-again-so-confusing-I-didn't-know-what-was-happening, and that hurt a lot...
 -I was sick the whole month. In addition to the emotional crap going down.

February
-I stopped wanting to cry all the time.
-Things were looking up, as far as Tak was concerned
-I got asked to Prom
-I got my first bouquet of roses
-Trips to Reno and Vegas with my friends, because we played in the pep band for our basketball team, that were absolutely amazing... Also the first time Tak and I held hands... But it triggered
-The first real fight I've ever gotten in... Rle and I didn't speak for a week. And it took us months to work out the resulting backlash.

March
-Started out awesomely with Tak, less awesomely with Rle and my sister because I was dumb
-Went to Prom, had a blast
-Figured myself and Rle out... Sorta.

April
-Trip with our choir to San Francisco for a competition, we kicked butt and had a blast... Partied it up with some friends and my big brother!
-My big bro and Rle went to All-State Choir.... I didn't make it, so I hung out that weekend with Mec and Tak and my sister
 -School musical, lots of FUN! Tak bought me flowers....


May
-The beginning of the end... Or how I viewed it.
-Band festival, choir festival, band concert, choir concert, jazz band concert... Eating out after jazz band, Tak and me... Big brother? Not happy. Eek.
-Me and Tak and Ael went and saw the Great Gatsby, Tak and me made it official- my first boyfriend, and then he kissed me! Another first... :) I still owe Ael dinner coz she's the best friend/3rd wheel/crazy matchmaker EVER.

June
-Graduation. Yikes. I have WAYYY too many senior friends.
-Went to dinner with Tak's family... Met his grandparents... Intimidating.
-Girls' Camp. Which was a huge deal for me this year, because it's when I realised I didn't know anymore, didn't have a testimony, didn't ever feel the Spirit anymore.... Somewhere along the line, I'd fallen off the wayside. So I decided to figure out if the Church was true or not, for SURE.
-Started running, training for XC in the fall

July
-Youth Conference! I knew I had a testimony of temple work and the Book of Mormon. Just those two things. But I knew the rest would come.
-BOM the Summer! I read twelve pages in the Book of Mormon every day. It was intense. And incredible. I found my faith again.
-Hanging out with my dad's side of the family, which is always a blast
-Adventures with Tak, Ael, my sister, Rle, Mec, Rag... It's summer, and it's lovely!
-Somewhere in there he kissed me again...

August
-BAND. CAMP.
-Got to spend a week with my best friend since I was three, Sav. And that was way better than anything else! It was AWESOME!
-Hanging with Mec and Tak before they left for college... I was still in denial.
-The last two times he kissed me.
-And finally, my first breakup. Because we didn't want to kill ourselves and our friendship trying to make distance work, didn't want to put that kind of pressure on each other. Not gonna lie- I cried. But he didn't see it.

September
-School's in full swing again!
-I have to do paper routes every day, and it's exhausting...
-So much that I can't run cross country... Which is maybe even more depressing than breaking up with Tak, because at least I knew the breakup was the most likely outcome. Not running made me SAD.
-It's been five years this month since my grandma died of pancreatic cancer. Still not easy to deal with, really.
-But! Thanks to my newly refound testimony, I know I'll see her again. And it'll be ok. :]

October
-I'm still bummed about him... But trying to hide it.
-Band competitions!
-I figure out that I never should have let go of the Gospel. I know it's true. And I LOVE IT!

November
-We took state in marching band! Best thing, EVER!
-The odd realisation that Tak and I talk more that Mec, even though she's one of my best friends too... And I'm not even talking to Tak all that often. Weird....
-Honour Choir!
-Taking my big brother to the MTC, where he'll be learning Spanish before heading to Mexico City for his mission!
-We have the missionaries over, all the time, through the whole year, starting in the summer. And at this point, I'm realising exactly how instrumental they've all been in helping me find my faith again, and how much I love them for that!
-The only thing that's wrong, is the feeling that I've lost all the people closest to me... My big brother was one of my best friends, until the beginning of this year, then I let our relationship fall apart, coz I sorta stopped talking to him, didn't fill him in... Mec and Tak went to college. There was Syb, but she sorta went crazy in about February, Marchish, and hated me for no good reason. Which was sad.... And it just feels like Rle, Ael, and Rag always have at least two other people they'd rather talk to before me, or hang out with, or anything, really. I feel so alone. And it's AWFUL.

December
-I love the Christmas Season!
-Still haven't figured out what to do about my friends... Rle noticed and we talked about it... But it's not really getting better...
-I love the Gospel, also. I KNOW it's true!
-My brother leaves the MTC and is now in Mexico!
-I organise a Starbucks adventure with Tak, Mec, Buc, Anc, and Rle... And it's so freeing for me to realise that I really don't feel that way about Tak anymore!
-Christmas is AMAZING.
-I hang out with my family and get ready for the new year!

Wow. So there we are. It's a lot. It's kinda been a crappy year, honestly. There were some amazing parts, and some that were downright HORRID.

So here's hoping that 2014 is all sorts of better! :]