Making Words Matter

Right, I'm finally posting this. Because it's still important.

So, I was asked to speak back in June (on the 14th, actually), along with my friend Kys, who also just graduated. Our topic was broad- "How did seminary and high school change your life/what did you learn from them?" Yeah. HUGE. And we both thought a lot about it... But neither of us wrote anything down.

I get up on the stand that morning, and Kys says, "I have it all in my head."
"Oh, me too. I'm just writing down my five main points, just in case." Because I'd pulled out a pen and a paper, and that's what I was doing.
"Ooo, that's a good idea!" So Kys pulled out her cell phone and made a note with her five main points. (Yes, we both had five. FACT.)

So, I walked up to speak with my five points, two of which were these:

It's okay to not know the answer.
God knows you and loves you individually.

Everything I talked about was significant to me, but those two especially. Here's why:

It's okay to not know the answer! Sometimes, you run across questions in the Gospel, doctrines you're not sure on, and sometimes things won't seem to make sense, even if you pray and ponder and do everything else. And that's ALRIGHT. It doesn't mean God isn't answering you... Sometimes it means you aren't ready for the answer yet, and sometimes it means that you'll never get the answer. And that's okay. Even Christ doesn't know everything! And if there are some things that we won't know in this life, that is alright.
And this is something I struggled with, all through high school. It was frustrating to me to not get answers, or to feel like I wasn't being heard. It made me wonder if I was doing something wrong, and sometimes it was a huge test of my faith. But I realised this year that it's ok to not know EVERYTHING. It's ok to just say, "I don't know," and lean on my faith in God. That was HUGE for me.

God knows you and loves you individually. This is SO. IMPORTANT. There will be times in your life when you may feel like you don't have any friends, or no one understands you, or maybe you're not getting along with your family. It will be hard. BUT. The most powerful person in this universe is on your side, in your corner, and He will never let you down.
And I told this story that had a huge effect on my testimony of this (which actually occurred over a year ago, from when I'm posting this. any comments I didn't originally share will be in green, everything else will be verbatim just as I said it then).
"This fall (2014), I had the opportunity to be one of the drum majors for the high school marching band, something that I've wanted to do for a long time. While it was an amazing experience, and I learned a lot, it was also one of the most challenging things I have ever done. We had a new band director this year (2014-15), because our other director retired at the end of last year (2013-14), and that added to the challenges. The band, as a whole, was getting used to a new director, and pushing limits, and it was frustrating to deal with.
"There was one particular football game (Sep 19, 2014) that was incredibly difficult. It was a pile up of a lot of things, but I basically felt like I wasn't fulfilling my obligations, and that I could do a better job, and I was so frustrated with the way the whole band was acting, and I just didn't know what to do about. The other drum major (Rle!) and I ended up in tears for the whole second half of the game, and cried for a long while after it. We felt awful.
"But the next day (Sep 20), we had a youth temple trip to do baptisms at the Salt Lake Temple. We had a ward devotional in the baptistry chapel, BishopB talked about how it doesn't matter where you were yesterday, or what other people think, or what challenges you're having- and I just started to cry- because we're in the temple now, and none of it matters here.
"And I just kept crying, waiting to do baptisms, getting confirmed. I think I scared a couple of our Beehives, because it was their first time doing baptisms, and I just bawled the whole time. But I was crying because I just felt this overwhelming sense of peace and love. I could feel the Spirit confirming that I am a daughter of God, that He knows me, and that if I kept doing my best to fulfill my obligations and to keep His commandments, that I was going to be okay. That feeling of peace and love stayed with me that whole day.
"The next day, Sunday (Sep 21), I asked my dad for a father's blessing. Despite the fact that I felt much better after being in the temple, I was still dreading going to band the next day. So my dad, without knowing what I had felt in the temple, gave me a blessing- in which he said all the same things. Again, I felt that feeling of love and peace.
"And, that night, my mom gave me a letter, saying she had felt impressed to write me a note. She had been out of town that weekend, and didn't know that I had been upset, or why I wanted the father's blessing when I asked for it, but this letter talked about what a valuable daughter of God I am, and how she's so proud of me, and other things.
"Although that football game was an awful experience, the witness of God's love for me that I received because of it is incredible. Maybe, in the eternal scheme of things, being the drum major of the marching band doesn't matter that much. But it was important to me, and because (and here I started to cry while giving the talk) I matter to God, it was important to Him."
And I know that it is true that God knows each of us individually, and that he will support us.

This point was my closing point, and I kept crying while I bore my testimony of the Gospel and Christ and the Book of Mormon. But I felt really good about my talk.

Then, later that day, one of my friends texted me- a kid in my ward who's been in band and choir with me, and who'll be a junior this year. This is how that conversation went:

Him: [My name] your talk today was so awesome! It was so inspiring and amazing. Thank you for always being such a good example to me and helping me to remember who I am. I'm so happy we got to know each other of the course of the past couple of years. It really has been awesome. I'm so excited to watch you continue to grow and become a better and more amazing person.

I cried. I was so worried about my talk, and knowing that it had impacted someone, especially one of the other youth, really meant the world to me.

Me: Thank you so much, [his name]! That really means a lot to me, cuz I was really nervous about this talk and it I'd be able to say everything I needed to. And I'm glad I know you too. You're a great kid! ^_^

Him: You didn't even seem nervous at all it was so great and made my day! Thank you.

Me: Haha thanks! But seriously that means so much to me.

Him: You are welcome!

And it seriously was the hugest thing to me, knowing that my words mattered. It was amazing. I was so worry about the talk, and if I'd be able to say something that would matter, and that I'd be guided by the Spirit. And something mattered to my friend. And that means so much to me.

RandomSauce

So, first off, to accompany this post from a few days ago, about "At The Ballet" from A Chorus Line, there's this video that Rle found. It's a poor quality video with decent sound of the original cast performing the song, and it's incredible to watch. It's also neat to get more intro to the song, and why it happens. WATCH THIS.

Next, an update on my Midsummer Night's Dream life: at the end of rehearsal today, our director goes, "Oh, and I forgot to put it on the schedule for this week, when you're supposed to be off book-"
I START TO PANIC INTERNALLY BECAUSE OFF-BOOK THIS WEEK IS NOT A THING- "and it's by Thursday, August 24, which is next Thursday."
Okay, still terrifying, but manageable. I might make it. We'll see.

And then there's this dream I had the other day that I told Rle about, and she thinks it's the funniest thing in the whole world, so I'm sharing- and because it's written, I get to make it seem really dramatic. Here goes!

The dream opens and I'm in this dark, crowded room, music playing, and flashing lights, an almost club-like atmosphere. Everyone is dressed up, semi-formal. I'm with my cousin, Sep, when a cute blonde in a bold pink dress walks by, and he stops her- "Hey, do you think I could buy you something?" She says yes, and begins to walk quickly away, as Sep glances back over his shoulder at me, clearly excited about this girl. I don't think she's all that interested in him, she just wants the food. In the way of dreams, I am suddenly aware that the point of this crowded room is food- if you're a guy, to offer to buy some for a girl, if you're a girl, to hope a guy approaches you. The food could be a meal or dessert, that's not clear to me, but not important.

As Sep walks away, I glance around again and become aware that I am with Rle. The two of us are waiting, hoping someone will approach us. Oddly, we're sitting on the ground. Apparently, there are no free tables, and we are too lazy to stand. Suddenly, a boy approaches; nice-looking, blonde, he offers to buy me food, and I accept. We walk over to the food line, waiting to order, I accidentally bump him once, then we get our food. In the way of dreams, I am suddenly aware that I am alone; it didn't work out with me and the boy (whether I thought he was a jerk or he thought I was too awkward, I'll never know). But at least he still bought me food. I begin to make my way back to where I left Rle sitting on the floor, but in our blank floorspace, there is a table with several chairs. Rle is sitting at it, with a boy and food. I joined them, with just my food.

And that was the whole dream. Rle thought it was HILARIOUS. I guess it is. The funniest thing for me was retelling it to my sister, with Rle listening again, as I try to explain the concept of this place we were in: "I guess it was like dating, but condensed? The whole point was food, guys to buy it for girls, or girls to get offered... I'm not really sure, but that's what it was." And then my sister just goes, "So like, a bar for Mormons."
Yes. That exactly. Nailed it.

I guess that's the RandomSauce for today.... We'll see what else I manage to write about later.

A Funny Story

Once upon a time two years ago, I dated this guy named Tak (which is still a weird sentence to say.). We broke up, incredibly amiably, since he had moved to college and I was still going to high school in Myneton. In the two years since, we've stopped talking and aren't really friends anymore. His loss. He decided it's "awkward" to talk to me. So hey, it's whate'er.

But! He's still friends with Rle, and they talk fairly often. So. Graduation comes up in one of their conversations, and Tak asks Rle if she's having a party. She tells him yes, and when it is, and he's committed to come... And THEN she mentions that it's a combined party with me, and that it's at my house.

Rle told me this story, laughing. She didn't do it on purpose, but it's a great setup anyhow. I think it's hilarious.

So I guess we'll see if he comes... Or if he thinks it's too "awkward." ;)

Life is funny sometimes.

Recognition

Every year, my school does Departmental Awards. What that means is, every teacher/department gets to choose one student (or a few, like one for each year of a language, or multiple from choir) who has excelled, and they get a neat little trophy and a nice little reception all together. I got one freshman year for German I Student of the Year (woot-woo!), but nothing since... And I wasn't expecting one this year, but I was really hoping for a band award. Our director always did four or five (two for jazz band, two for regular band, maybe one for marching...). HOWEVER, he retired last year, which was dramatic, and if I'd been blogging, y'all would've heard about it. So, with our new director this year, I wasn't sure if she was going to do any of these awards.

The reception for that was last Wednesday. I didn't get any awards, which is hey, whate'er, but our band director gave out five or six awards. Rle got one, along with several other really deserving members. And I'm thrilled about that. But I'm also kind of hurt. See, Rle and I were the drum majors this fall together, and we both worked SO hard, to do our best, and to not let the band down. It was a rough time... There were a lot of bumps and bruises this year, just problems with having a new director, and the band pushing limits, and whatnot. And I've spent this whole year backing our director in everything, shooting down negative comments, and saying as much good as I can. So it kinda hurt that Rle got recognised as an outstanding band student and I didn't, like my contributions didn't matter as much as hers or something. I was upset enough that I wrote a poem about it... It's written like I'm speaking to our director.

I'm just gonna take a diva moment

And be a total brat

I know I shouldn't be complaining

But right now, it's where I'm at

It's just, music means so much to me

And I've worked so hard this year

I couldn't help thinking you might

Have wanted me to be here

And I know it shouldn't matter

But there's a part of me that just HURTS

That I didn't get a 'Band Student of the Year'

Even with all my work

Maybe we didn't always agree

On what strategies to use

But I did my best, and every day

I pushed and pulled for you

I fought so many battles

That you didn't see

And I was always defending

Everything that you could be!

So, it just kinda kills me

That you didn't think I mattered

And it shouldn't even phase me

But know that I am shattered.

Yeah. I'm dramatic. But it's kinda how I felt.

So then, this weekend, I found out that I'd been selected as a recipient of an award called the Triple E, which is selected by senior class nomination and teacher deliberation, and is supposed to be based on leadership, academics, and extracurricular participation. I was really excited about it, honestly. I had no idea who else had gotten it, and then tonight was the reception/awards presentation for it. From our class of 350, only 31 people received the award... And I was one of them. It really means a lot to me to receive that.

Now here's the funny part. I have this teacher, Mr. G. I've had him this year for AP U.S. Government and AP Psychology, which were in back to back class periods. He tends to give the students a bad time, tease us a little, and we dish it right back. And I will admit that I haven't always been a stellar student in his classes... I missed school because of cross country in the fall (I got to run, hooray!), and band and choir throughout the whole year, and then from January until March I was dead on my feet because I got to be in Les Miserables (IT WAS AMAZING)... I didn't turn in any notes in either class for all of second semester. And I definitely slept in his class several times. We had a running joke about my sleep deprivation, and about how I've really gone downhill this year, and my work is just suffering. Yep. But I really like Mr. G, and I think he's a great teacher.

So, last week, after all the senior nominations were in, and the teachers had met to discuss who should get the awards... The day after the teacher meeting, Mr. G was talking to me, Rag, and Lah about it, giving us a hard time. He teased Rag about her involvement in Student Council and dance, teased Lah about his grades or something, and then turns to me and says, "I tried to defend you, I really did, but you've just gone so far downhill this year..."
And I said, "Oh, I know, it's awful..."
He said, "But I did my best."
I just laughed, "Okay, Mr. G," and went back to working on my project.
So I thought I didn't get the Triple E.

And then I did!

So, after the presentation, I went to talk to Mr. G.
He puts his hand out for a handshake: "Congratulations!"
Me: "Mr. G! You made me think I didn't get one!"
Mr. G, laughing: "I know. I did that on purpose."
Me, also laughing: "Mr G! That is so mean! You are the worst!"
Mr. G: "The worst? Really?"
Me: "Well, not the worst, but mean..."
Mr. G: "And who do you think nominated you?"
Me: "What?"
Mr. G: "You deserve it."
So then I made him take a picture with me, and then after the picture...
Me: "Thank you so much!"
Mr. G: "Congratulations. You deserve it."

Okay. I seriously almost cried. It really means a lot to me that
1- at least some members of my class think I'm a decent person
2- I have a teacher who would pull that hard for me

I don't know what I did in Mr. G's class, but I am so grateful that he felt like I was worthy of the Triple E. Maybe it doesn't seem like a huge deal, but to be recognised for leadership and academics and extracurriculars... Wow. It honestly means the world to me right now.

Far-Distant and Unattainable Ideal v. Far Too Close and Far Too Real

Ahahahahahahahaha. I hope Rle doesn't decide to check out my blog and read this post today. Because I'm having a major ramble fest... AND. She'll ask questions.

So here's the deal. I have this sorta crush on this friend of mine, Tev. It's not, like, a huge deal, but... He's great. He's literally the nicest person I know, and he has this amazing, on fire testimony of the Gospel, and he's funny, and he sings, and he's cute... He's cool. But. I definitely just sit over here, with this crush on him, because I don't want to deal with actual like relationships or whatever else. And it's there, but not a huge deal.

So anyhow... Every once in a while, I get a little maudlin, and I just wish I had someone who'd text me. Like, it'd be nice if someone would text me and we could talk about stupid things or big things or nothing or everything. That is ((fact)) one of the only things that I miss about being in a relationship- is having that person you can talk to about everything. And sometimes I just want someone to have a crush on me. It's honestly super ridiculous... But there's that.

So then, there's this.... My friend, Top, had this book that I wanted to read (Ready Player One by Ernest Cline and OHMYGOSH I need to devote a post to it!)... So, last Saturday, he texted me when he was done with it, and then we kinda talked about it for a little... And on Monday, he gave me the book. And I got really excited, and plowed through it in less than two days. It's good. But we'd text while I was reading it, and talking in real life, and UGH.
And I kinda think I might have a crush on Top.

Here's the thing:
While I still admire Tev as one admires a far-distant and unattainable ideal... I think I like Top.

But... There's a catch. I'm not actually sure if I like him or if I just like the attention...
Let me explain.
Top is the kind of guy who just loves girls- if it's got two X chromosomes and is sentient, he'll go for it. And I say that with utmost affection- he's also a genuinely nice guy who respects women. But, Top is so in love with the idea of being in love that if he knows someone likes him, he'll like her too- whether or not he did before, he'll go for her, sincerely. And so I don't know if I actually like Top, or if I just like that if I told him I liked him, odds are, he'd like me back, and things might progress. WHICH I DON'T ACTUALLY WANT, because TOO MUCH COMPLICATION. Except for the part of me that wants someone to hold hands with and hug and kiss... and yeah. So this is the dilemma. Because do I actually like him, or do I just like that he'd like me, and doesn't that mean I'm just doing exactly what he does, and if something happened wouldn't it just be because we both knew the other person would like us if we liked them?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

So I've been feeling SO AWKWARD about this for the last week, like, freaking out about talking to Top (do I like him, what is happening, he has cute brown eyes, we geek out hardcore) and then feeling uncomfortable every time Top and Tev happen to be in the same place, and then Rle and my sister and our friend Ini are teasing me about Tev because they know, and I just feel SO AWKWARD.

And like, Sunday, I visited another ward for a mission farewell- I ended up sitting by Tev (freaking out, because he makes me nervous and just want to be a better person) and staring at the back of Top's head, contemplating how nice his hair looked. WHAT EVEN. And then Rle and Ini and I were talking to G.M. and Rle said something about a texting flirtationship Top's got going right now with some girl, and it hurt just a little. WHAT EVEN.

I don't like this and I don't know what to feel about it and I don't know what to think about it and I don't know who to talk to about it and I just don't know what to do AT ALL.

BONUS ROUND: I also know that Top has no problem with making out and whatever else (he's been a little farther than he should have been)....... And if this all went down, that could happen. And I don't think I'm prepared to sign up for that... And then part of me wonders what it would be like to make out with him. Like, is he a good kisser? UGH. What?? Why am I even?

I don't like this. HILF MIR BITTE.

So, It's Been A While...

Life got crazy. Honestly, for a while, I forgot about this. Then yesterday, Rle texted me.

Rle: Do you still have that blog you started a while ago?
Me: Ahaha yeah but I don't think I've posted since last summer... Or more. Why?
Rle: I was just thinking about it.
Me: Random. I should start posting in that again.

I asked her about it when I saw her, and she told me she had just thought of it- because I told her about it when I started it, but I wouldn't let her read it. Because she was in it and everything was current, and I didn't want to let her... But!

I'm going to start posting again. Doing this really helped me clear my head and get some stuff in order.

Plus also, it counts as journalling.

So, here I be again.

ohmyAWKWARD

So, I've been busy lately... No posts in over a week,YIKES.

Will it make it better if I say that I've been working on something really big lately, kinda an epic post? Coz I have been.

But anyhow. Since I have nothing to say, I'm just going to relay a slightly funny and also really sad story.

So, my friend Tak is in college now. And Rle and I talk to him, which is all good fun. So a while ago, he mentions a 'potential girlfriend', Z, to Rle, but she's never come up again... Of course, being teenage girls, Rle and I are DYING of curiosity about this girl.

So, last night, I had a chance to ask Tak about her, and this is how that conversation went:

Me: So, who is Z?
Tak: Dunno. We haven't spoken
Me: Oh...
Tak: I'm over it
Me: Ok, sorry I asked.
Tak: Don't be. It's fine.
Me: Ok...
*an HOUR passes*
Tak: Eeyup

ohmyAWKWARD. Like, I just wanted to have a conversation with a friend, but suddenly it turned into falling-off-a-cliff-and-drowning-in-awkward horrendousness. I don't know what to do with that conversation.

Also, I feel sort of bad.

And now Rle and I are SUPER confused.

So, there's that. Hope you enjoy my awkward story. :P

The real post is coming along.... And it's gonna be intense!

Taking Things Personally

This school year has been... Well, sort of rough for me. I've just had all sorts of junk happening. Not that any of it's really been all that significant, it's just that it all piles up and up and then it overwhelms me.

The big issue is my friends. I've had this awful feeling this year, like I've lost everyone who was really close to me. All my close friends from the last few years? Gone, in one form or another.

My big brother is on a mission in Mexico now- no asking him for advice on a daily basis.
Syb went off to college, and we never really talk anymore.
Mec went to college too, and we talk, but it's not the same, of course. And actually, every time I try to talk to her, she's busy or tired or in a bad mood... So we actually don't really talk. And that hurts.
Tak is actually the now-in-college-friend that I talk to the most. Which is a little odd, considering the whole dating-then-breaking-up-because-he-went-to-college thing. It's pretty chill, but still. There's no way we're as close as we used to be, even before we were together.

And then there's Rag, Rle, and Ael, who are all in my grade. Rag was one of the first friends I made here, Rle and I bonded over band freshman year, and Ael and I are sort of a fluke... But of the most wonderful variety.
Except for that this whole year, I've felt like I'm always their third choice, at best. They always have someone else to hang out with, to talk to, I'm always the last one in the loop.
I've spent this whole school year saying, "What are you talking about? What's up? Wait, you never told me about that!" and the like. And honestly? That HURTS like I never imagined. I don't know whether it's my fault or their fault that this gap has grown, but it did. And I don't like it.

And the thing is, I thought it had been getting better. And then earlier this week, we were supposed to set up rooms of four people for a trip our choir is going on. And Rag and Rle set up a room with two of our other friends without even glancing at me. And I'd talked to Rag about maybe doing something. But it didn't occur to either of them that maybe I'd like to room with them. And that just... I was upset about it. I still am, a little.

And then, between the day of room-setting-up-ness and today, I had to take this personality test for one of my classes. I've taken it a few times before, and every time I get the same result: ENFP (Extraverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Perceiving/Prospecting). But this week... I thought about it a little more, because I was in such a funk about this whole year and my friends and whatnot.

And I realised something. As a whole, the ENFP description is excellent for me, but especially the Feeling part. It's always the highest percentage when I take the test, the trait in which I am farthest away from its opposite. And reading the ENFP description again so close to this incident that upset me so much, I noticed this:

"ENFP personalities are very emotional and sensitive, seeing feelings as something that everyone should take time to understand and express. However, this trait can also cause a lot of stress for them as ENFPs may often focus too much on other people’s motives and possible meanings of their actions. People with this personality type are observant and intuitive, but can make serious mistakes trying to use their interpretation of other people’s emotions as a basis for their decisions."

And this:

ENFP weaknesses

• Highly emotional. ENFP personalities tend to have very intense emotions, seeing them as an inseparable part of their identity. This may often cause the ENFP to react strongly to criticism, conflicts or tension.
• Overthink things. ENFPs always look for hidden motives and tend to overthink even the simplest things, constantly asking themselves why someone did what they did and what that might mean.
• Get stressed easily. ENFPs are very sensitive and care deeply about other people’s feelings – this can cause them a lot of stress sometimes as people often look toward them for guidance and encouragement, and the ENFP cannot always say “yes”.

 And I realised, that maybe that's why I've been so upset about life this year. Because these incredibly emotional sides of my personality type are very true for me. And they could help explain why I act the way I do.

Honestly, Rle, Ael, and Rag probably have no idea what they're doing.

And maybe I just need to be a little bit less of the F in ENFP and stop taking everything so personally.

Birthdays & a Brother & Bassoon & Band!

Today's post is full of random. Fair warning.

Yesterday was the birthday of two of my dearest friends, Spo and Tri.

I've been close to Spo since the fifth grade, back in Podunk- and random things I remember, the first real conversation we had was about cancer; her uncle had it and so did my grandma. And so that's what a pair of eleven year-old girls bonded over. Great, right? She's amazing, and hilarious, and funny, and she's been one of the things that has kept me sane. She's listened to me vent and cry and tell funny stories and I've done the same for her, and I love her a ton! Since I moved away from Podunk two and a half years ago, she's one of the only people I still talk to. Talking to her always makes my week- I kid you not when I tell you that sometimes we crack jokes that are five years old and still laugh hysterically. She's just fantastic.

(Also, just for the record, we talk on the phone. Like, not texting. That's right, teenagers still know how to do that!)

And then there's Tri. I met her a few months after I moved out here to Myneton, when she moved here too. She was in my ward, and I spent the first few moths she moved here trying to get her to come to seminary, come to Mutual, get involved. She was being home schooled. I was actually super obnoxious, but she told me later that my efforts to reach out to her meant a lot to her. She's helped me through some hard stuff, and I've been there for her, and I am very glad I know her, even though she moved away less than a year after she got here. Tragic.

So I talked to both of them yesterday, and I just think they are fantastic and you all need to know that!

I say you all but I seriously doubt anyone actually reads this blog. Ha. ;)

On the subject of birthdays, later this week is Rle's birthday, which I'm excited about, because I just love her! I'll probably devote a whole post to her later. There is a LOT I could say. 

And! Next Monday is my big brother's birthday! He's currently on a mission in Mexico, and just for the record, he writes THE COOLEST letters home! But I've been working on a letter for him, and it's kind of a huge one. Ok, so all of my letters to him are super long. But this one's a really big deal. My older brother is one of the best people on the planet. He's a role model to me, and I really look up to him and I love him a lot. So. Yeah. Birthday letter? Big deal!

Also, two of my cousins have birthdays this month, and my dad and my aunt. Crazy busy, right?

And the last thing for today is band. Our region's honour band is this week, and I'm in it- I play bassoon actually. If you don't know what a bassoon is, here:

Anyhow. Best instrument ever! I've been playing since the sixth grade. Love it! But! Honour band. All the best instrumentalists from the surrounding schools get to come patrticipate- it's sorta a big deal. Except that Myneton is the biggest city in the area and our high school has an enrollment of about 1300. The other schools are even smaller, and super spread out, because we live in the rural middle of nowhere. But that's ok!

So there's about 100 band geeks on a stage, and we rehearse all day today and all day tomorrow and then we do a concert and everyone goes home. It's super cool. And our guest conductor is from a high school in the next state over that has one of the best bands ever- it's marching band has won the Bands of America competition under his direction multiple times, and the concert band is better than many college ensembles. And he's a crazy good director, so it's basically a blast.

Except for that today, I had a tragic occurrence. I broke the bocal of my bassoon, snapped right in two. BAD. BADBADBADBADBADBADBADBADBAD! Thankfully, I have an extra bocal, but I'm going to have to replace the other one-and it's actually my school's instrument. So. There's that. I'm super upset about it, though, because it was so STUPID and AWFUL. I've been playing since sixth grade. SIXTH GRADE. And I've never damaged my instrument like that. Ugh. I felt so bad about it. Miserable. Ok, also. This is the third year I've been playing this particular bassoon and I've named it Phillippe. You don't get that attached to an instrument and not get upset if you damage it.

I kid you not. At our lunch break, I went and got ice cream, and I was eating it like I'd gone through a bad breakup. Chocolate, with cookie dough and brownie bites and chocolate chips and hot fudge and caramel and whipped cream. I'm upset. Really upset. It's not fun. I mean, it hasn't rendered my bassoon unplayable... But I still feel AWFUL.

I was at lunch with Rle and my little sister. I think they were concerned for me. But then, we had this idea...
So I texted Tak and Mec:

Eating ice cream like I just went through a bad breakup....

Tak responded first: Oh boy. What kind?
Me: A really painful unexpected one. Unless you're asking about the ice cream, then it's chocolate.
Tak: The ice cream actually, but if you want to talk about the other I'm cool with that too
Me: Haha... Actually, I'm just super upset because I broke my bassoon.
Tak: That'll do it
Me: Eeyupp. And it's just the first day of honour band, no big deal....
Tak: Isn't the concert tomorrow night?
Me: Eeyupp.
Tak: Shoot.
Tak: Is it fixable?
Me: Yeah... Already taken care of, actually. I just snapped the bocal in half and I have two... But they're different and I have to pay for the new one, and it was such a stupid thing to happen. I'm just really upset about it. Felt the need to complain.
Tak: Feel better?
Me: Totally. Ice cream and complaining fix everything.
Tak: Totes

***I could not believe he said that. Super out of character for him!***

Then the conversation went other directions.

Mec replied a few minutes later: Ice cream is awesome.
Me: Yep.
Mec: Is everything ok
Me: I just broke Phillippe, is all. Rather upsetting.
Mec: Aww
Me: Yeah. It's fixable. And not gonna ruin honour band for me. But upsetting.
Mec: I know the feels
Me: Yeah...

Then that conversation went other directions too. And then I had the afternoon rehearsal session for honour band.

So yeah. That was my day today. I'm super bummed about my Phillippe. But it's fixable. But still.

This week is adventurous. :P

2014??

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I guess that means it's time for the mandatory looking-back-on-the-old-year-post, so here it is. For me, 2013 was...

Crazy. Ha.

January
-The first real tragedy in my life, when a friend of mine committed suicide on the 2. He was 16.
-I received a poem and a confession and because of that...
 -I took a big chance, opening up my heart to Tak, really putting myself out there. And then for the whole month of January, he was on-again-off-again-so-confusing-I-didn't-know-what-was-happening, and that hurt a lot...
 -I was sick the whole month. In addition to the emotional crap going down.

February
-I stopped wanting to cry all the time.
-Things were looking up, as far as Tak was concerned
-I got asked to Prom
-I got my first bouquet of roses
-Trips to Reno and Vegas with my friends, because we played in the pep band for our basketball team, that were absolutely amazing... Also the first time Tak and I held hands... But it triggered
-The first real fight I've ever gotten in... Rle and I didn't speak for a week. And it took us months to work out the resulting backlash.

March
-Started out awesomely with Tak, less awesomely with Rle and my sister because I was dumb
-Went to Prom, had a blast
-Figured myself and Rle out... Sorta.

April
-Trip with our choir to San Francisco for a competition, we kicked butt and had a blast... Partied it up with some friends and my big brother!
-My big bro and Rle went to All-State Choir.... I didn't make it, so I hung out that weekend with Mec and Tak and my sister
 -School musical, lots of FUN! Tak bought me flowers....


May
-The beginning of the end... Or how I viewed it.
-Band festival, choir festival, band concert, choir concert, jazz band concert... Eating out after jazz band, Tak and me... Big brother? Not happy. Eek.
-Me and Tak and Ael went and saw the Great Gatsby, Tak and me made it official- my first boyfriend, and then he kissed me! Another first... :) I still owe Ael dinner coz she's the best friend/3rd wheel/crazy matchmaker EVER.

June
-Graduation. Yikes. I have WAYYY too many senior friends.
-Went to dinner with Tak's family... Met his grandparents... Intimidating.
-Girls' Camp. Which was a huge deal for me this year, because it's when I realised I didn't know anymore, didn't have a testimony, didn't ever feel the Spirit anymore.... Somewhere along the line, I'd fallen off the wayside. So I decided to figure out if the Church was true or not, for SURE.
-Started running, training for XC in the fall

July
-Youth Conference! I knew I had a testimony of temple work and the Book of Mormon. Just those two things. But I knew the rest would come.
-BOM the Summer! I read twelve pages in the Book of Mormon every day. It was intense. And incredible. I found my faith again.
-Hanging out with my dad's side of the family, which is always a blast
-Adventures with Tak, Ael, my sister, Rle, Mec, Rag... It's summer, and it's lovely!
-Somewhere in there he kissed me again...

August
-BAND. CAMP.
-Got to spend a week with my best friend since I was three, Sav. And that was way better than anything else! It was AWESOME!
-Hanging with Mec and Tak before they left for college... I was still in denial.
-The last two times he kissed me.
-And finally, my first breakup. Because we didn't want to kill ourselves and our friendship trying to make distance work, didn't want to put that kind of pressure on each other. Not gonna lie- I cried. But he didn't see it.

September
-School's in full swing again!
-I have to do paper routes every day, and it's exhausting...
-So much that I can't run cross country... Which is maybe even more depressing than breaking up with Tak, because at least I knew the breakup was the most likely outcome. Not running made me SAD.
-It's been five years this month since my grandma died of pancreatic cancer. Still not easy to deal with, really.
-But! Thanks to my newly refound testimony, I know I'll see her again. And it'll be ok. :]

October
-I'm still bummed about him... But trying to hide it.
-Band competitions!
-I figure out that I never should have let go of the Gospel. I know it's true. And I LOVE IT!

November
-We took state in marching band! Best thing, EVER!
-The odd realisation that Tak and I talk more that Mec, even though she's one of my best friends too... And I'm not even talking to Tak all that often. Weird....
-Honour Choir!
-Taking my big brother to the MTC, where he'll be learning Spanish before heading to Mexico City for his mission!
-We have the missionaries over, all the time, through the whole year, starting in the summer. And at this point, I'm realising exactly how instrumental they've all been in helping me find my faith again, and how much I love them for that!
-The only thing that's wrong, is the feeling that I've lost all the people closest to me... My big brother was one of my best friends, until the beginning of this year, then I let our relationship fall apart, coz I sorta stopped talking to him, didn't fill him in... Mec and Tak went to college. There was Syb, but she sorta went crazy in about February, Marchish, and hated me for no good reason. Which was sad.... And it just feels like Rle, Ael, and Rag always have at least two other people they'd rather talk to before me, or hang out with, or anything, really. I feel so alone. And it's AWFUL.

December
-I love the Christmas Season!
-Still haven't figured out what to do about my friends... Rle noticed and we talked about it... But it's not really getting better...
-I love the Gospel, also. I KNOW it's true!
-My brother leaves the MTC and is now in Mexico!
-I organise a Starbucks adventure with Tak, Mec, Buc, Anc, and Rle... And it's so freeing for me to realise that I really don't feel that way about Tak anymore!
-Christmas is AMAZING.
-I hang out with my family and get ready for the new year!

Wow. So there we are. It's a lot. It's kinda been a crappy year, honestly. There were some amazing parts, and some that were downright HORRID.

So here's hoping that 2014 is all sorts of better! :]

First Off...

OK. So really this blog is just for me. And I don't expect anyone else to read it. I don't care. :] I just need to organise my thoughts somewhere.

So, today. Starbucks adventure with you and Mec, Buc, Anc, and Rle. First real, face-to-face interaction we've had since August, since we broke up because you were going off to college and I was still gonna be here in this little town. It was on good terms, we didn't want to crash and burn later, stress each other out. It was a good choice.

But that didn't stop it from hurting... I'd had a crush on you since February of 2012. That's kinda a while. You were my first date, first thing, first guy I held hands with, first boyfriend, first kiss... You're a big deal to me- for a while there, I thought I was in love with you. And that's a big deal. So losing you hurt like crazy. I cried a lot. And missed you. A lot.

I mean, we've talked since... But I've always just had this tiny hope that we could still be us, we could work it out again... And it's been dying. Slowly. But I didn't think I was over you, didn't know when I would be.

But you know what? Today, I didn't care. I mean, you're still one of my best friends. And I care about you. But not romantically. And that felt really good, to just have a good time, no pressure, no problem. It was fun, it was all cool. It's oddly freeing... To not care that way, after almost two years. But I think what really made me realise that I didn't care was that moment you drifted off...

You zoned for a few seconds, and passed it off as no big deal. But I know that look that was on your face... A little dreamy, almost a smile. You used to look at me like that. And it means you were thinking about somebody special. And you know what? All I was was happy for you. Not hurt. I'm sure she's fantastic.

And for now, I'm thrilled with myself. I feel good about life. Ready to go on. Ready to accomplish things. Also totally ok if I don't have a crush again until the year 2017.

But yeah. Today is a big deal for me. :]