So, our choir program does a concert every year called Senior Solo where all the seniors get to perform- solos, duets, group numbers, whatever... It's always a ton of fun, and there are touching moments and silly ones and all sorts of things in between. Well, today was our Senior Solo concert, and I sang this:
This musical is INCREDIBLE (although language warning-- it's BAD.) But anyhow. I adore this song, and I realised it would be perfect for the senior-growing-up-and-moving-on type idea. Also, I identify with it, way too much-- I wrote about it in this post. Basically, I just feel like I'm always last choice, fading into the background, and that my friends, the people I adore, don't really care if I'm around. It's awful. So when I thought of "Before It's Over" for a senior solo song idea, I knew I HAD to do it. Even if no one else knew exactly how personal it was for me, I knew it had to happen. So I worked on it, and tonight I sang it, with a friend of mine, Lah, playing piano for me. I felt like it was alright, but not awesome- but then I received so many sincere compliments, telling me that I was wonderful (off-topic segue to another Dogfight song!), and I was sort of blown away. Two girls told me that it just got them, right from the first line- and that they almost cried. And they asked if I wrote it. Wow. That statement. I wish I could write music this powerful and moving! But that they thought I could, that I performed it that convincingly... Wow. Anyhow. I told them I didn't, and that it's from a musical, but they still seemed so impressed. And then I was telling my family about this conversation, and my mom said that it almost did seem like something I had written, at first. And I wish I could write like that. But the other thing is, that's an incredible compliment for me, because it makes me feel like I performed the song the right way. And even though people don't know that I really do identify with the character of Rose in this aspect, and that I really was singing about myself... They felt it. And I'm so pleased. And also somewhat astounded. Music is a powerful, beautiful, wonderful thing, and I am so grateful that I was able to share it, and have it mean something to my audience. :]
So, there is a musical called the Bridges of Madison County, and there is this INCREDIBLE song in it called "Almost Real." It was introduced to me by my voice teacher, G.M. I'm obsessed with it.
It's an absolutely stunning piece of music, and watching Kelli O'Hara sing it is amazing, because she is SO committed to the character, and there is so much emotion. Basically it's perfect. And also.... I can't get over this song, because it expressed something I couldn't- that is, the feeling of being not quite real, overshadowed by and compared to those around you. But this song did for me. In fact-earlier this month I wrote a poem about it... So, here is my
Almost Real
Almost real... What a feeling Or, more like a dream It's silently wishing When you want to scream And I didn't expect To find my story Or someone to connect In that girl from Napoli But I listened to her voice And I watched her sing And it wasn't my choice But I knew she was me! I was myself mirrored In the story she sang And saw myself clearer In that tragic refrain Almost real- when you live in shadows And never can compete When your friends are all heroes And you're the deadbeat You feel like you don't matter And you have to run away Before they see you shatter There has to be some place Where you won't be compared To them, you can just feel But it's too far to get there, To the dream of being real... And, forced to doubt yourself By the superior types You don't look for help Of any meaningful kind Because those closest to you Somehow make you feel small Like you could disappear And they wouldn't notice at all And so I understand 'Cesca And so I want to sing Her song of Italia Because it's also of me! And I know the desire, The horrible need, to feel Like you're significant: To be almost real Yeah. Wow, that's long. But it's how I feel, more often than I'd like. And why this song is everything to me. Plus, also, it's basically perfect.
This year. This freaking year. I just don't know what to do with it. I think the only positive things have been my family and the Gospel. Which, are aboslutely incredible and I am SOOO grateful for them! But today I'm gonna have a pity party. Because today this is what's happening. So, this post? Taking Things Personally? I wrote it a bit ago about this school year and how basically I just feel like no one needs me or even wants me around... But maybe I'm overreacting and taking everything personally? Well. I just feel like junk. Because this is still going on. I'm everyone's last choice. Our choir is going on another trip, we have to set up rooms for it, and again, no one thought of me. Some of the people I'd call my best friends, and they don't think to ask if I'd like to room with them. One friend of mine was bemoaning her lack of a room, because someone else reneged on a promise, and I said, "You could room with me!" and three seconds later, she was saying, "I don't have a room, oh, what to do, woe is me!" THAT HURT, OK??? And maybe it seems like I'm overreacting but I don't feel like it. Because this is this whole year for me. I'm always left out. I'm always asking, "What's going on? What's exciting?" I'm not anyone's first choice. And on most days, like today, I feel like no one cares about me. No one would notice if I was... gone. And for the girl who loves people, who wants to help everyone, who craves friendship and companionship and love, that hurts. This year is killing me, little by little. Hopefully next year will be better.... :(
