Wait, What?

I was registering for classes for next fall,

And I think if I do my life right I could graduate next year?

Except for that I don't really want to.

Because I was planning on two more years?

And I have this minor I want to work in...

But man, if I didn't.

I just.

What. Even.

Dinner Party : Prelude

So a dear friend who was my roommate over the summer is in town this week. We wanted to do something together, but I was wildly busy this weekend with a family wedding and everyone being in town and whatnot.

So Elb and I were able to spend some time together Thursday night, which was great, and then I decided that I'd make dinner and we'd invite some people over.

This is happening tomorrow.

And between a combination of the fact that I have No Chill the guest list is twenty people long?

See, Elb wants to meet my friends, and we're inviting some of our old roomies and some of her friends and basically the list has ended up at:

Elb, a friend of hers from home, three friends here at the uni
Me, my older brother, my best friend from home
My five current roommates
Four of our other friends (including Kyv b/c Elb is invested in this)
Two of our past roomies and one's fiance

For a grand total of twenty??

I'm going to be hosting a dinner party in my six-person, on-campus, dorm?

A few of my friends may not be able to stay long, but still??

How did I get myself into this?

Why do I like people?

Why do I feel like offering people food is the only reason to invite them over?

Also the only way to adult?

So today I have to go grocery shopping and pick up some things and tomorrow, all hell breaks loose.

Here we go.

You Can't Script This Stuff

I made a fool of myself Sunday evening, and now I'm here to tell you all about it.

So, I'm coming back from a family event, and my older brother is dropping me off, in the parking lot next to my apartment. It is approximately nine p.m. I am wearing a black and white dress, a red jacket, and red high heels.

I get out of the car, close the front passenger door, and begin moving around to the rear driver's side because I have things I needed to get out of the back. My brother, however, starts to drive away. Now, I notice a group of people standing nearby, but I don't know any of them, so all my attention is focused on my car, driving away.

"Hey," I shout, waving my arms, "Wait! Stop!" This is, unfortunately, not effective, as my hands are sort of full and I can't gesture very well. I'm running after the car, but not very quickly, as I'm in heels. After a few seconds, I'm a little desperate, so I reach down and take off my shoe, my red high heel, and throw it at my car as I shout, "FETCHER I STILL HAVE THINGS IN THE CAR!"

It is at this juncture that my brother finally clues in and stops. I jog over to the car, one heel on, one foot just in tights on the pavement, open the door, and begin to get out my things. It is then that I hear, from behind me, "Rose, is that your brother?"

And I turn, and as I answer, "Yeah," who should I see but the object of my last post, smiling at me.

The realisation sets in that I have just made a FOOL of myself in front of this guy and his family, and I want to die. Just a little bit.

I wish that a chasm would open in the earth and swallow me up.

A nice lady brought me my shoe. saying, "Here's your satin slipper," and then continued on her way.

The family keeps walking, and then he looks at me and says, "Well, see you, then."

"Yeah, see you!"

And he walks away and I duck behind the car door and express this to my brother.

"Oh," he says, "Did you not notice him?"

"No! I just noticed a group of people! I didn't realise he was there! I'm so mortified!"

"Don't be," my brother laughs, "He thought it was great."

Nonetheless, my mortification was great. 

I can only imagine how the conversation went as he caught back up to his family:
"Oh, did you know her?"
"Yeah, that's my friend, *name redacted*."
"What an... interesting girl."

(perhaps by some weird chance they know who I am, as we've been doing things with friends and we've been on a few dates)

So my brother adds to my imagined scene, "Oh, the one we've heard all about!"

To which I can only say, "I wish."

(my family has lowkey heard a lot about him because I talk too much)

I've told this story to a few people (it is, admittedly, very funny), and been told that is sounds like a dramatic breakup scene and also like the intro of the leading lady in a rom-com, so I'm keeping it in my pocket for when I'm writing a screenplay in the future.

Two hours later, I get a text from him that just says,
Solid throw! ;)

Somehow that makes it at once better and worse.

Then yesterday, I had a chance to talk to him at a church activity. For my own mental well-being, I asked if that was his family the night before. Yes. His aunt and uncle, a couple cousins, one of whom is coming to our university in the fall, and his twin brother. They were showing them around campus. It was his aunt who returned my shoe, apparently.

He said it was cool that he met my brother- or saw him, at least. So I think that's a positive.

I'm still a little embarrassed, tbh.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

Ok, so my computer konked it just a few days after my last post,

and I've been living at the library to do homework.

Finals start NEXT SATURDAY.

UGGGGGGHHHH.

Meddling in Mediocrity

Uni.

I am staring in the face of my own averageness.

The end.


....


Ok, but really. I grew up in small towns. I was brilliant. I was a good singer. I was in the band. I was Mormon. I ran cross country. I stood out. I had an identity.

And now I'm at BYU. And suddenly, none of that stands out anymore. I am average. I'm one of over 30,000 students who are 97% Mormon. I'm one of several hundred choirs. I'm struggling to keep up with my course load and dealing with the fact that this is way more competitive than anything I've ever done.

I don't stand out.

And this past week, that's been killing me a little bit. It's hard to adjust so completely into the ensemble and still be someone. I have to figure out what I'm doing and how to matter.

And I don't know how to do that right now.

So I'm meddling in mediocrity and trying to survive.

Work on the Roots

I swear, I should not be writing this post right now, because I have a class in 40 minutes that I still need to finish up some reading for, but I just really need to organise my thoughts because

HOLY COW WOW

So I'm at university, and I might as well clarify that it is indeed Brigham Young University, which is a private school owned by my church that is, naturally, very religious. Also, it means I get to see these mountains all the time:

But anyhow. I'm taking a Teaching and Doctrine of the Book of Mormon class, and every time I walk out of there, I'm just in awe at how much I've learned. I am not ignorant when it comes to the Book of Mormon- I've read it multiple times in two languages, and while I'm still learning, I do know much of the doctrine and many of the overarching themes. And it continually astounds me for its beauty and simplicity and all that I can learn, every time I open it.

So today, in this class we discussed Jacob 5. A chapter that is jokingly dreaded as the longest chapter in the book, 77 whole verses. A chapter that is written in an Isaiah-like style, that we as a culture often struggle to understand. Zenos' allegory of the olive tree.

Basically, Zenos likens the House of Israel unto an olive tree, and goes on to explain the history, and prophesy the future, of God's people. Very Old Testament, Abrahamic covenant style here.

And I actually really love this chapter already, for all it teaches us of the nature of God: His patience and long-suffering with us, His diligence in our salvation, the fact that He weeps, grieving, should He lose any of His children. There is so much wonderful insight into His character in this chapter, as we read the narrative of His dealings with His covenant children.

But my teacher, Brother Griffin, took it a step past that. He encouraged us to think in the Hebrew style, and find more layers of symbolism in these teachings. And he compared it all to us.

Suddenly, the pruning of the olive tree was God giving me trials and guidance, things that are hard, but that I need. The digging and nourishing was Him preparing me for, and then giving me, blessings. And grafting was His hand guiding people and experiences that I need into my life.

It all hit me in a way it never had before.

But it got deeper later, as we spoke of the time when the branches that were grafted in overwhelmed the roots of the tree, and it brought forth evil fruit (Jacob 5:48). I had already thought of this passage as a warning against personal pride, loftiness, which will strangle out righteousness.

But it goes deeper. Brother Griffin talked about how, sometimes, before we can grow or stretch more, we need to work on our core, our roots. We need to be stronger, more steady, more ready to take on extra weight or added growth. He related that to our personal lives and also to the growth of the church as a whole. He said we're in a slow growth time- and that's ok, because trees don't grow the same amount every year. But he also said that it means that we need to work on the roots, on us. And as I thought about my mission, my eighteen month labour of love complete with one baptism, I could see how that was true. And this moment struck me.

Because I worked hard. I did. I wasn't perfect, but I tried to do what was right. And every city I worked in was a constant struggle to find people to teach, and to try to improve relationships with the members and to get them involved in missionary work. And twice, when I left an area, in the following transfers there was growth and success, baptisms. And I struggled with that, comparing myself to the other missionaries, wondering why I never saw results like that. Towards the end of my mission, I started to appreciate what a work I had done in building member relations and preparing the way for the next missionaries.

But in class today, as Brother Griffin spoke about nourishing the roots, I was overcome by my feelings, knowing how much time I've spent doing just that. And in contemplation, I realise that I feel more ok about it now than I ever did in the field, more open to the fact that I did work. Somehow, it hit me that it was ok, and important.

And also, that I have a lot of work to do on my own roots. I'm not in my best place right now, spiritually, academically, in terms of motivation and sticktuitiveness. And I felt sharply, how far I have to go. But I am so looking forward to Gerneral Conference this weekend, to help me find some of the guidance I need. And I am ready to work on my roots, so that when the growth comes, I am ready to bear the burdens God asks me to.

It's going to be a good year.

Week 2, Still Not Dead...

But, man, I do not feel good.

The last few days, my throat's been hurting. And my head. It's been real fun.

Uni is still kicking my butt a little.

And I feel weird. I know this is where God wants me to be, but I feel very displaced here, not quite at home, like I don't really belong. But I guess I'll see what happens.

ANYHOW.

Time management was better this week. I also added vocal instruction into my life so I have to do that, along with bassoon. Go team me!

I need to sleep, so this'll be short, but I wanted to post.

Job is SWEET, more on that later.

I got to see SPO this weekend because TES was visiting the college where she goes, and also we hung out with Bon, which was AWESOME. I always adore spending time with Tes, and then I hadn't see Spo or Bon since June of 2015 (before Bon and I went on missions), so it was sweet to get back together with them. Also, watched MOANA (which I'm OBSESSED WITH) because Bon hadn't seen it yet, so that was fun. :)


And one last thing to close this off- we got assigned our ward FHE groups tonight and THERE ARE TWO GERMANS IN MINE and GOD LOVES ME. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

Also, I'm bakin' banana bread tomorrow. WOOT.

Bis naechstes mal!

One and Done

Right, so this was a week.

What I learned this week is that all of the time management skills that I learned on my mission have been decimated this summer. I did not do well this week.

FOR EXAMPLE. I have bassoon instruction and I'm supposed to practice 6 hours a week. And I practiced one this week. Mostly on account of I just didn't do life well.
Also, I have an American Heritage class, and I have about 20 pages of reading I need to do before 11 am tomorrow.
And another 7 chapters for a religion class at 9 am.
I'm crushing it, basically.

In other news, I got to hang out with Tes, my trainer, which was INCREDIBLE. We pretty much just talked for three hours straight- I've only seen her once since July of last year, and that was very brief, so getting to see her again and just do life was incredible. It was so good to reconnect and talk about things and just... yeah. Some friendships are forever, and hers is one of those for me. She's incredible.

Also, I went to the temple, which was a lovely experience. I just really know that it is God's house and that He loves us. There's a lot I'm still learning, but o! how I know this gospel is true!

---------

Finishing Monday morning, because sleep is a thing that had to happen.

I also got hired to be an early-morning janitor in my favourite place here on campus, so we'll see how that pans out.

I'm hoping to write two posts a week up in here, but we shall see...

It's been a blast, but stressful so far. I'm rooming with my cousin, Est, and we've made it a goal to do something with our cousin, Zap, who's also a freshman here on campus, at least once a week. This week, we hung out at Aunt Jo and Uncle Ro's house with him and cousins Kad & Cad and Pyp, their PRECIOUS year and half old daughter. Party. We watched Hercules, an episode of Face-off, and an episode of Project Runway. Go team!

Also this week, I got to babysit Pyp because Kad had to have a surgery at a stupid early time in the morning, and I had the right times free. It means so much to me that I can help out in times like these, that I'm close enough to my family to help, to be there. I love them. Pyp also broke her arm this week, so it was quite the week for their family.

Umm... yeah. I think that's all I got. I have class in two hours and reading to do and I'll see y'all around.

Guten Tag

I just feel the need to come back to this pet project of mine.

It's been a while.

Hi.

Did I mention before my silence that I was going to serve as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints? I did that. I lived in Germany for 18 months and I fell in love with the whole world.

And then I came home to my family freefall of summer and life has been insane.

And I moved from Myneton this last week to start university. First day of class is tomorrow. I have a bassoon lesson and choir. :)

And I want to come back to this free space of writing and sharing thoughts with a nonexistent audience. Perhaps someday more people will be here.

But for now, it's just thoughts, really.