19 Years Go By So Quickly

Yeah. It's my birthday. 19 today. (mission, here I come!)
And I just feel retrospective, and I'm going to post some things about myself. (there were going to be 19 originally, but I started this post way too late. so I've got like 10. oh well.)  Things I love, things I've learned, things I'd like to leave behind.... So here we go.

love- READING. I've always been a reader, as long as I can remember. I've lived thousands of lives and been to a million places and books have saved me and inspired me and amazed me and I absolutely love them. The Chronicles of Narnia. The Harry Potter Series. The Books of Bayern. The Cry of the Icemark. The Bartimaeus Trilogy. The Percy Jackson Series. Just to name a few.  I grew up in worlds of ink and paper, with my dad reading us stories and bringing words to life. Reading is amazing.

learn- What other people think doesn't matter. And I don't mean ignore your parents or your very best friend's good advice. What I mean is, it doesn't matter if the girl in your class thinks your pants aren't cute enough or if the boy doesn't laugh at your jokes or if your hair/face/laugh/thing you love/hobby isn't fashionable or whatever else. If you spend your time worrying about pleasing others, it is far too easy to lose yourself in the disaster that high school and society can be. You're the only person who lives with you 100% of every day, and you need to be okay with who you are. And who you are is brilliant and bright.

leave- Insecurity. Because of what I just talked about, I've also realised that insecurity is something I can live without. Yes, it's scary to talk in front of people, and I'm nervous about singing or performing or auditions, and sometimes I may not like the way I look. But letting insecurity eat away at my love for myself is never worth it.

love- MUSIC. I've been singing for as long as I can remember, playing piano since second grade, bassoon since sixth, saxophone since ninth, writing music/songs since eighth grade. And music is a wonder. Ink on a page and creations of wood and metal can change moods, break hearts or mend them, hurt and heal. Music expresses what words cannot, and it is miraculous.

learn- It's okay to be weird. I spent ridiculous amounts of time in high school trying to be less weird than I thought I was. But ya know what? It's beautiful to be passionate about something, whether that's cars or Broadway or painting or calculus. There's no need to shave off the ragged edges of your weirdness, because that's what sets you apart from everyone else, what makes you powerful, worth talking to. Love the thing you love, do that thing you do, and know that you will be all the more interesting because of that. No one ever made history who wasn't called weird at some point.

leave- Toxic people. There are times when you may meet someone who brings you down- they guilt trip you or make you feel bad about yourself, they make you doubt yourself and your abilities, they make you question your worth. Don't let those people take up your time and eat away at your soul. Surround yourself with those who bring you up and encourage you and make you feel valuable and wonderful, because YOU ARE.

love- WRITING. Well, if you've been reading this, you know I write poetry, songs, words. There is something incredibly therapeutic about watching my soul come to life on a paper, organised and beautiful. And writing has been an incredible outlet for me, when I've been sad, lonely, happy, excited, angry, confused... Words are magical.

learn- Life is scary and hard and wonderful. Take chances. There will always be things you can't plan for, and unexpected events, but if you never try, you'll never succeed at anything. You will never know how much you may love something if you don't give it ago, and you will never know how much someone may mean to you if you never say hello. Don't let the things you're afraid of stop you from living.

leave- Unnecessary worry. If you can't change it, don't let it ruin your life. Make the changes you can, but accept that it may rain. Bring your umbrella, and enjoy it. Don't let tiny stresses take the joy out of life.

last, but not least- The Gospel is true and God loves you. That's it. That's the most important thing. I've had times of doubt and been lost, during high school. But the Gospel of Christ always ended up being the only thing that made any sense. And it always will. He will always be there, because He loves you.

Yeah. I guess I've grown up, some. Let's see the next 19?

I Wrote a Thing... :]

THE FIRST PAGE

     When I open up a book and I flip through the pages, I get to know its weight and its feel and I dive in, reading myself into a new world. Often, I find myself falling in love with a character, wishing I could write him out of the book into reality... Rarely, I fall in love with a book itself, and every time I pick it up, it's like greeting a long-lost friend.

     And sometimes, I will fall in love with a book on the very first page. There's only one thing that causes this: writing that is artwork, beautiful and perfect- well, not perfect, because art is not meant to be perfect but meant to make you feel something- writing that wraps around my soul, fills the crevices in my heart, fills me with emotion, takes my breath away.

     I fell in love with you on the first page. Whoever wrote you knew what they were doing when they put that sparkle in your sky blue eyes, when they wrote music into your voice, when they gave a sense of humour to the most intelligent, passionate person I'd ever met. Whoever wrote you made an absolute masterpiece out of what could have been another awkward teenager, but instead turned out to be a piece of solid ground for two years of my life, a safe place when I was shattered, a perfect understanding when I needed it, a hand in mine.

     I fell in love with you on the first page, when I saw how loyal and dependable you were to your friends, how quick to defend the ones you love. When I saw how excited you get about the details in a book or a movie, how you notice all the little things about places and people. When I heard you talking about music, and I knew your heart would understand mine. Yes, with you, I fell in love on the first page.

     And some books, I find myself being drawn into, slowly, inexorably, until- something snaps. It may be that the author breaks the laws of their own universe, or writes an ending that, however critically acclaimed, I find disappointing or upsetting in all the wrong ways, or they ruin a character. Books like that, I never pick up again. I was afraid you would become one of those- but whoever wrote you knew what they were doing. Yes, you had flaws and failings, but doesn't every hero? Whoever wrote you knew that it's ok for a person to be angry or make mistakes, but they knew that you can always become a better person. And so, you drew me in, farther and farther- and you never broke the laws of your own universe.

     I fell in love with you on the first page, and I couldn't help hoping you'd be like one of those books that I keep around forever, that's always there on my shelf, the book that knows my soul because I've screamed and thrown things and cried and laughed and celebrated over its pages, the books that mean more to me than almost anything in the world. And whoever wrote you know what they were doing, because for a while, you were. You cheered for my accomplishments and held me when I cried and you made me laugh, all the time you were there. Yes, you were one of the books I could keep around forever, and I fell in love with you on the first page.

      Books like that, though, are the most exquisite kind of torture, because, despite how wonderful they are, there are moments when they tear me to pieces, or break my heart. And with some, I end up sobbing... But they're so beautiful, all the moments of despair combined with those of elation. You were one of those. I fell in love with you on the first page, but there were moments when I thought you'd never see me the way I saw you, the times I encouraged you with other people because they made you happy, the times when I just held my feelings in, and it all just broke my heart. And there were times my heart broke for you, when you argued with your parents, couldn't help a friend, didn't know what to do. But whoever wrote you knew what they were doing, because with all that, they wrote the golden moments that made it all worth it, all the laughter and carefree easiness, the times you said you didn't know what you'd do without me, the beautiful friendship we had... And it eventually developed into something more, and for a little while it wasn't your story or my story, it was our story. But then... It had to come to an end, and that was when I ended up sobbing, even though I'd fallen in love with you on the first page.

     There are books that I read once, and I love them, but I never find them again. They lurk in the shadows of my memory, bringing sorrow because I've lost them forever. After our story ended, I was afraid you'd become one of those, and it just seemed like a waste of such a friendship, an absolute tragedy, especially since I'd fallen in love on the first page.

     But whoever wrote you knew what they were doing, because that didn't happen. Instead, you became the well-loved book that I rediscover every once in a while, taking it out and turning the pages, reliving the adventures- even the parts that broke my heart- through a haze of happiness, because all ends well. It's not our story anymore, but my story and your story still meet sometimes, and so the memories are cherished. You're the well-loved, old friend of a book who I only read every once in a while, and that is alright. Yes, whoever wrote you knew what they were doing.

      And so, I fell in love with you on the first page.

     But that was a long time ago. :]

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Yep. That's a thing I wrote. It's about Tak and me. And basically, that is the progression of our relationship, from friends to more and back to friends, and how I feel about it. It's all good. Life is chill, and everything in that arena is alright. :]

Books.

So, I have a problem. I get really attached to characters in books, and I get really upset on their behalf. Also excited. And basically everything else. Pretty much, I don't need a life because I live in fiction, in ink and pages.

You think I'm kidding, but I'm not.

I have a list of fictional characters that I'm in love with. I mean, I've written it down and everything- in no specific order, but I've done it. And it just keeps getting longer.

Classic case? The Bartimaeus Trilogy, by Jonathon Stroud. I've been in love with Nathaniel for... at least five years. And every time I reread the series, I fall for him again. Also, Kitty and Bartimaeus are all SORTS of awesome, a kick-butt girl and a smart-aleck djinni. EPIC. And OHMYGOODNESS. The ending of the series is SO perfect, but I honestly cried for two hours the first time I read it, and have cried every time since then. Absolutely fantastic books, though.

Recent offender? The Fault In Our Stars, by John Green. I discovered this book yesterday and devoured it, finished today. It's GORGEOUS, and it really makes you think about a lot of things, but it's also totally a tear-jerker. But then, it is a book about teen cancer patients, and life, and love, and everything. It's AMAZING. And Augustus Waters has been added to The List, totally. He's ADORABLE. But yeah, definitely a book I cried over. And will if-- actually, when, I read it again.

I'm honestly trying to figure out why it is that I get so attached to fictional people, why I can absolutely get lost in the world of a book and wish I could be there. In the meantime, if you care to join me, this is The List.

It's not complete. And it's not in order. And it's not even all the books I love. Just the characters I'm in love with from some of them. But all of these books are excellent!

THE LIST

Peter Pevensie------The Chronicles of Narnia, C.S. Lewis
Edmund Pevensie
Prince Caspian
Nathaniel------------The Bartimaeus Trilogy, Jonathon Stroud
Oskan---------------The Icemark Trilogy, Stuart Hale
Charlemagne
Gilbert Blythe-------The Anne of Green Gables Series, L.M. Montgomery
Walter Blythe
Jem Blythe
Ken Ford
Corlath--------------The Blue Sword, Robin McKinley
Geric----------------The Books of Bayern, Shannon Hale
Finn
Razo
Conrad
Howl-----------------Howl's Moving Castle series, Diana Wynne Jones
Michael
Abdullah
Peter
Ron Weasley---------The Harry Potter series, J.K. Rowling
Neville Longbottom
Viktor Krum
Twig-----------------The Edge Chronicles, Paul Steward and Chris Riddell
Quint
Rook
Nate
Peder----------------The Princess Academy, Shannon Hale
Steffan
Nico Di Angelo--------The Percy Jackson Series, Rick Riordan
Leo Valdez
Frank Zhang
Percy Jackson
Jason Grace
Magnus Bane---------The Mortal Instruments series, Cassandra Clare
Jace Wayland
Simon Lewis
Augustus Waters-----The Fault In Our Stars, John Green


Ummm.... That's about all for now. But yeah. If you don't read, you SHOULD. Books are magic!