This school year has been... Well, sort of rough for me. I've just had all sorts of junk happening. Not that any of it's really been all that significant, it's just that it all piles up and up and then it overwhelms me.
The big issue is my friends. I've had this awful feeling this year, like I've lost everyone who was really close to me. All my close friends from the last few years? Gone, in one form or another.
My big brother is on a mission in Mexico now- no asking him for advice on a daily basis.
Syb went off to college, and we never really talk anymore.
Mec went to college too, and we talk, but it's not the same, of course. And actually, every time I try to talk to her, she's busy or tired or in a bad mood... So we actually don't really talk. And that hurts.
Tak is actually the now-in-college-friend that I talk to the most. Which is a little odd, considering the whole dating-then-breaking-up-because-he-went-to-college thing. It's pretty chill, but still. There's no way we're as close as we used to be, even before we were together.
And then there's Rag, Rle, and Ael, who are all in my grade. Rag was one of the first friends I made here, Rle and I bonded over band freshman year, and Ael and I are sort of a fluke... But of the most wonderful variety.
Except for that this whole year, I've felt like I'm always their third choice, at best. They always have someone else to hang out with, to talk to, I'm always the last one in the loop.
I've spent this whole school year saying, "What are you talking about? What's up? Wait, you never told me about that!" and the like. And honestly? That HURTS like I never imagined. I don't know whether it's my fault or their fault that this gap has grown, but it did. And I don't like it.
And the thing is, I thought it had been getting better. And then earlier this week, we were supposed to set up rooms of four people for a trip our choir is going on. And Rag and Rle set up a room with two of our other friends without even glancing at me. And I'd talked to Rag about maybe doing something. But it didn't occur to either of them that maybe I'd like to room with them. And that just... I was upset about it. I still am, a little.
And then, between the day of room-setting-up-ness and today, I had to take this personality test for one of my classes. I've taken it a few times before, and every time I get the same result: ENFP (Extraverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Perceiving/Prospecting). But this week... I thought about it a little more, because I was in such a funk about this whole year and my friends and whatnot.
And I realised something. As a whole, the ENFP description is excellent for me, but especially the Feeling part. It's always the highest percentage when I take the test, the trait in which I am farthest away from its opposite. And reading the ENFP description again so close to this incident that upset me so much, I noticed this:
"ENFP personalities are very emotional and sensitive, seeing feelings as
something that everyone should take time to understand and express.
However, this trait can also cause a lot of stress for them as ENFPs may
often focus too much on other people’s motives and possible meanings of
their actions. People with this personality type are observant and
intuitive, but can make serious mistakes trying to use their
interpretation of other people’s emotions as a basis for their
decisions."
And this:
ENFP weaknesses
- Highly emotional. ENFP personalities tend to have
very intense emotions, seeing them as an inseparable part of their
identity. This may often cause the ENFP to react strongly to criticism,
conflicts or tension.
- Overthink things. ENFPs always look for hidden
motives and tend to overthink even the simplest things, constantly
asking themselves why someone did what they did and what that might
mean.
- Get stressed easily. ENFPs are very sensitive and
care deeply about other people’s feelings – this can cause them a lot of
stress sometimes as people often look toward them for guidance and
encouragement, and the ENFP cannot always say “yes”.
And I realised, that maybe that's why I've been so upset about life this year. Because these incredibly emotional sides of my personality type are very true for me. And they could help explain why I act the way I do.
Honestly, Rle, Ael, and Rag probably have no idea what they're doing.
And maybe I just need to be a little bit less of the F in ENFP and stop taking everything so personally.
Today's post is full of random. Fair warning.
Yesterday was the birthday of two of my dearest friends, Spo and Tri.
I've been close to Spo since the fifth grade, back in Podunk- and random things I remember, the first real conversation we had was about cancer; her uncle had it and so did my grandma. And so that's what a pair of eleven year-old girls bonded over. Great, right? She's amazing, and hilarious, and funny, and she's been one of the things that has kept me sane. She's listened to me vent and cry and tell funny stories and I've done the same for her, and I love her a ton! Since I moved away from Podunk two and a half years ago, she's one of the only people I still talk to. Talking to her always makes my week- I kid you not when I tell you that sometimes we crack jokes that are five years old and still laugh hysterically. She's just fantastic.
(Also, just for the record, we talk on the phone. Like, not texting. That's right, teenagers still know how to do that!)
And then there's Tri. I met her a few months after I moved out here to Myneton, when she moved here too. She was in my ward, and I spent the first few moths she moved here trying to get her to come to seminary, come to Mutual, get involved. She was being home schooled. I was actually super obnoxious, but she told me later that my efforts to reach out to her meant a lot to her. She's helped me through some hard stuff, and I've been there for her, and I am very glad I know her, even though she moved away less than a year after she got here. Tragic.
So I talked to both of them yesterday, and I just think they are fantastic and you all need to know that!
I say you all but I seriously doubt anyone actually reads this blog. Ha. ;)
On the subject of birthdays, later this week is Rle's birthday, which I'm excited about, because I just love her! I'll probably devote a whole post to her later. There is a LOT I could say.
And! Next Monday is my big brother's birthday! He's currently on a mission in Mexico, and just for the record, he writes THE COOLEST letters home! But I've been working on a letter for him, and it's kind of a huge one. Ok, so all of my letters to him are super long. But this one's a really big deal. My older brother is one of the best people on the planet. He's a role model to me, and I really look up to him and I love him a lot. So. Yeah. Birthday letter? Big deal!
Also, two of my cousins have birthdays this month, and my dad and my aunt. Crazy busy, right?
And the last thing for today is band. Our region's honour band is this week, and I'm in it- I play bassoon actually. If you don't know what a bassoon is, here:
Anyhow. Best instrument ever! I've been playing since the sixth grade. Love it! But! Honour band. All the best instrumentalists from the surrounding schools get to come patrticipate- it's sorta a big deal. Except that Myneton is the biggest city in the area and our high school has an enrollment of about 1300. The other schools are even smaller, and super spread out, because we live in the rural middle of nowhere. But that's ok!
So there's about 100 band geeks on a stage, and we rehearse all day today and all day tomorrow and then we do a concert and everyone goes home. It's super cool. And our guest conductor is from a high school in the next state over that has one of the best bands ever- it's marching band has won the Bands of America competition under his direction multiple times, and the concert band is better than many college ensembles. And he's a crazy good director, so it's basically a blast.
Except for that today, I had a tragic occurrence. I broke the bocal of my bassoon, snapped right in two. BAD. BADBADBADBADBADBADBADBADBAD! Thankfully, I have an extra bocal, but I'm going to have to replace the other one-and it's actually my school's instrument. So. There's that. I'm super upset about it, though, because it was so STUPID and AWFUL. I've been playing since sixth grade. SIXTH GRADE. And I've never damaged my instrument like that. Ugh. I felt so bad about it. Miserable. Ok, also. This is the third year I've been playing this particular bassoon and I've named it Phillippe. You don't get that attached to an instrument and not get upset if you damage it.
I kid you not. At our lunch break, I went and got ice cream, and I was eating it like I'd gone through a bad breakup. Chocolate, with cookie dough and brownie bites and chocolate chips and hot fudge and caramel and whipped cream. I'm upset. Really upset. It's not fun. I mean, it hasn't rendered my bassoon unplayable... But I still feel AWFUL.
I was at lunch with Rle and my little sister. I think they were concerned for me. But then, we had this idea...
So I texted Tak and Mec:
Eating ice cream like I just went through a bad breakup....
Tak responded first: Oh boy. What kind?
Me: A really painful unexpected one. Unless you're asking about the ice cream, then it's chocolate.
Tak: The ice cream actually, but if you want to talk about the other I'm cool with that too
Me: Haha... Actually, I'm just super upset because I broke my bassoon.
Tak: That'll do it
Me: Eeyupp. And it's just the first day of honour band, no big deal....
Tak: Isn't the concert tomorrow night?
Me: Eeyupp.
Tak: Shoot.
Tak: Is it fixable?
Me: Yeah... Already taken care of, actually. I just snapped the bocal in half and I have two... But they're different and I have to pay for the new one, and it was such a stupid thing to happen. I'm just really upset about it. Felt the need to complain.
Tak: Feel better?
Me: Totally. Ice cream and complaining fix everything.
Tak: Totes
***I could not believe he said that. Super out of character for him!***
Then the conversation went other directions.
Mec replied a few minutes later: Ice cream is awesome.
Me: Yep.
Mec: Is everything ok
Me: I just broke Phillippe, is all. Rather upsetting.
Mec: Aww
Me: Yeah. It's fixable. And not gonna ruin honour band for me. But upsetting.
Mec: I know the feels
Me: Yeah...
Then that conversation went other directions too. And then I had the afternoon rehearsal session for honour band.
So yeah. That was my day today. I'm super bummed about my Phillippe. But it's fixable. But still.
This week is adventurous. :P
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I guess that means it's time for the mandatory looking-back-on-the-old-year-post, so here it is. For me, 2013 was...
Crazy. Ha.
January
-The first real tragedy in my life, when a friend of mine committed suicide on the 2. He was 16.
-I received a poem and a confession and because of that...
-I took a big chance, opening up my heart to Tak, really putting myself out there. And then for the whole month of January, he was on-again-off-again-so-confusing-I-didn't-know-what-was-happening, and that hurt a lot...
-I was sick the whole month. In addition to the emotional crap going down.
February
-I stopped wanting to cry all the time.
-Things were looking up, as far as Tak was concerned
-I got asked to Prom
-I got my first bouquet of roses
-Trips to Reno and Vegas with my friends, because we played in the pep band for our basketball team, that were absolutely amazing... Also the first time Tak and I held hands... But it triggered
-The first real fight I've ever gotten in... Rle and I didn't speak for a week. And it took us months to work out the resulting backlash.
March
-Started out awesomely with Tak, less awesomely with Rle and my sister because I was dumb
-Went to Prom, had a blast
-Figured myself and Rle out... Sorta.
April
-Trip with our choir to San Francisco for a competition, we kicked butt and had a blast... Partied it up with some friends and my big brother!
-My big bro and Rle went to All-State Choir.... I didn't make it, so I hung out that weekend with Mec and Tak and my sister
-School musical, lots of FUN! Tak bought me flowers....
May
-The beginning of the end... Or how I viewed it.
-Band festival, choir festival, band concert, choir concert, jazz band concert... Eating out after jazz band, Tak and me... Big brother? Not happy. Eek.
-Me and Tak and Ael went and saw the Great Gatsby, Tak and me made it official- my first boyfriend, and then he kissed me! Another first... :) I still owe Ael dinner coz she's the best friend/3rd wheel/crazy matchmaker EVER.
June
-Graduation. Yikes. I have WAYYY too many senior friends.
-Went to dinner with Tak's family... Met his grandparents... Intimidating.
-Girls' Camp. Which was a huge deal for me this year, because it's when I realised I didn't know anymore, didn't have a testimony, didn't ever feel the Spirit anymore.... Somewhere along the line, I'd fallen off the wayside. So I decided to figure out if the Church was true or not, for SURE.
-Started running, training for XC in the fall
July
-Youth Conference! I knew I had a testimony of temple work and the Book of Mormon. Just those two things. But I knew the rest would come.
-BOM the Summer! I read twelve pages in the Book of Mormon every day. It was intense. And incredible. I found my faith again.
-Hanging out with my dad's side of the family, which is always a blast
-Adventures with Tak, Ael, my sister, Rle, Mec, Rag... It's summer, and it's lovely!
-Somewhere in there he kissed me again...
August
-BAND. CAMP.
-Got to spend a week with my best friend since I was three, Sav. And that was way better than anything else! It was AWESOME!
-Hanging with Mec and Tak before they left for college... I was still in denial.
-The last two times he kissed me.
-And finally, my first breakup. Because we didn't want to kill ourselves and our friendship trying to make distance work, didn't want to put that kind of pressure on each other. Not gonna lie- I cried. But he didn't see it.
September
-School's in full swing again!
-I have to do paper routes every day, and it's exhausting...
-So much that I can't run cross country... Which is maybe even more depressing than breaking up with Tak, because at least I knew the breakup was the most likely outcome. Not running made me SAD.
-It's been five years this month since my grandma died of pancreatic cancer. Still not easy to deal with, really.
-But! Thanks to my newly refound testimony, I know I'll see her again. And it'll be ok. :]
October
-I'm still bummed about him... But trying to hide it.
-Band competitions!
-I figure out that I never should have let go of the Gospel. I know it's true. And I LOVE IT!
November
-We took state in marching band! Best thing, EVER!
-The odd realisation that Tak and I talk more that Mec, even though she's one of my best friends too... And I'm not even talking to Tak all that often. Weird....
-Honour Choir!
-Taking my big brother to the MTC, where he'll be learning Spanish before heading to Mexico City for his mission!
-We have the missionaries over, all the time, through the whole year, starting in the summer. And at this point, I'm realising exactly how instrumental they've all been in helping me find my faith again, and how much I love them for that!
-The only thing that's wrong, is the feeling that I've lost all the people closest to me... My big brother was one of my best friends, until the beginning of this year, then I let our relationship fall apart, coz I sorta stopped talking to him, didn't fill him in... Mec and Tak went to college. There was Syb, but she sorta went crazy in about February, Marchish, and hated me for no good reason. Which was sad.... And it just feels like Rle, Ael, and Rag always have at least two other people they'd rather talk to before me, or hang out with, or anything, really. I feel so alone. And it's AWFUL.
December
-I love the Christmas Season!
-Still haven't figured out what to do about my friends... Rle noticed and we talked about it... But it's not really getting better...
-I love the Gospel, also. I KNOW it's true!
-My brother leaves the MTC and is now in Mexico!
-I organise a Starbucks adventure with Tak, Mec, Buc, Anc, and Rle... And it's so freeing for me to realise that I really don't feel that way about Tak anymore!
-Christmas is AMAZING.
-I hang out with my family and get ready for the new year!
Wow. So there we are. It's a lot. It's kinda been a crappy year, honestly. There were some amazing parts, and some that were downright HORRID.
So here's hoping that 2014 is all sorts of better! :]
OK. So really this blog is just for me. And I don't expect anyone else to read it. I don't care. :] I just need to organise my thoughts somewhere.
So, today. Starbucks adventure with you and Mec, Buc, Anc, and Rle. First real, face-to-face interaction we've had since August, since we broke up because you were going off to college and I was still gonna be here in this little town. It was on good terms, we didn't want to crash and burn later, stress each other out. It was a good choice.
But that didn't stop it from hurting... I'd had a crush on you since February of 2012. That's kinda a while. You were my first date, first thing, first guy I held hands with, first boyfriend, first kiss... You're a big deal to me- for a while there, I thought I was in love with you. And that's a big deal. So losing you hurt like crazy. I cried a lot. And missed you. A lot.
I mean, we've talked since... But I've always just had this tiny hope that we could still be us, we could work it out again... And it's been dying. Slowly. But I didn't think I was over you, didn't know when I would be.
But you know what? Today, I didn't care. I mean, you're still one of my best friends. And I care about you. But not romantically. And that felt really good, to just have a good time, no pressure, no problem. It was fun, it was all cool. It's oddly freeing... To not care that way, after almost two years. But I think what really made me realise that I didn't care was that moment you drifted off...
You zoned for a few seconds, and passed it off as no big deal. But I know that look that was on your face... A little dreamy, almost a smile. You used to look at me like that. And it means you were thinking about somebody special. And you know what? All I was was happy for you. Not hurt. I'm sure she's fantastic.
And for now, I'm thrilled with myself. I feel good about life. Ready to go on. Ready to accomplish things. Also totally ok if I don't have a crush again until the year 2017.
But yeah. Today is a big deal for me. :]
