First Off...

OK. So really this blog is just for me. And I don't expect anyone else to read it. I don't care. :] I just need to organise my thoughts somewhere.

So, today. Starbucks adventure with you and Mec, Buc, Anc, and Rle. First real, face-to-face interaction we've had since August, since we broke up because you were going off to college and I was still gonna be here in this little town. It was on good terms, we didn't want to crash and burn later, stress each other out. It was a good choice.

But that didn't stop it from hurting... I'd had a crush on you since February of 2012. That's kinda a while. You were my first date, first thing, first guy I held hands with, first boyfriend, first kiss... You're a big deal to me- for a while there, I thought I was in love with you. And that's a big deal. So losing you hurt like crazy. I cried a lot. And missed you. A lot.

I mean, we've talked since... But I've always just had this tiny hope that we could still be us, we could work it out again... And it's been dying. Slowly. But I didn't think I was over you, didn't know when I would be.

But you know what? Today, I didn't care. I mean, you're still one of my best friends. And I care about you. But not romantically. And that felt really good, to just have a good time, no pressure, no problem. It was fun, it was all cool. It's oddly freeing... To not care that way, after almost two years. But I think what really made me realise that I didn't care was that moment you drifted off...

You zoned for a few seconds, and passed it off as no big deal. But I know that look that was on your face... A little dreamy, almost a smile. You used to look at me like that. And it means you were thinking about somebody special. And you know what? All I was was happy for you. Not hurt. I'm sure she's fantastic.

And for now, I'm thrilled with myself. I feel good about life. Ready to go on. Ready to accomplish things. Also totally ok if I don't have a crush again until the year 2017.

But yeah. Today is a big deal for me. :]