I don't know what to do about the temple lately.
It started the first weekend of April. Friday afternoon before conference, I went up to Salt Lake with a bunch of friends to attend a session in the Salt Lake Temple, which was lovely. I hadn't been to the Salt Lake Temple since the very first time I went through, back in November 2015, so the memories were coming back strong in the best way possible.
And it was such a lovely session, and being in the celestial room with some of my favourite people in the world was incredible. I was feeling all sorts of things.
But then we had to leave. And walking out of that celestial room was almost physically painful to me. Every step away was a deep sorrow in my soul, this feeling like I was leaving something so important behind me and I wasn't going to be back for a very long time.
It was an odd feeling, and a stark contrast to the sense of home and peace and light I feel in the temple.
I... did not love it.
But I didn't dwell too much on it because then it was conference weekend and we were on Temple Square for general conference and it was so wonderful and I was so glad to be there.
But then the next time I went to the temple, it happened again. And it's been happening ever since.
This feeling has almost made me not want to go to the temple, because I don't want to feel so terrible when I leave.
It doesn't seem to matter how frequently I go. Even if I'm there weekly, I break when I leave. I try to go often, because as I said, the temple feels like home and it's light and love and peace for me. But I can't convince the feeling in my chest that I'm coming back, no matter how regularly I go.
It varies in intensity. It's worst when I'm alone. When I have a friend there, they can distract me from the pain of walking away from home again. About two months ago, I was telling my friend Maz about it, after we'd been to the temple together, struggling to explain this void that opens up in me and the way that it hurts to leave the temple.
"Sounds like there's a question you need to be asking, Rose," he said, "What is it?"
"I wish I knew..."
I've been thinking about that a lot.
About what it is that I should be asking. What I need to take to the temple to walk away without feeling like my heart is breaking, my soul is cracking open, like I'm leaving something critical behind me and I'm never coming back.
I'm not sure.
But I felt it again this week when I was there with Gyb.
And it hurts.
Showing posts with label Gospel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gospel. Show all posts
Friday, August 9, 2019
Wednesday, September 27, 2017
Work on the Roots
I swear, I should not be writing this post right now, because I have a class in 40 minutes that I still need to finish up some reading for, but I just really need to organise my thoughts because
HOLY COW WOW
So I'm at university, and I might as well clarify that it is indeed Brigham Young University, which is a private school owned by my church that is, naturally, very religious. Also, it means I get to see these mountains all the time:
But anyhow. I'm taking a Teaching and Doctrine of the Book of Mormon class, and every time I walk out of there, I'm just in awe at how much I've learned. I am not ignorant when it comes to the Book of Mormon- I've read it multiple times in two languages, and while I'm still learning, I do know much of the doctrine and many of the overarching themes. And it continually astounds me for its beauty and simplicity and all that I can learn, every time I open it.
So today, in this class we discussed Jacob 5. A chapter that is jokingly dreaded as the longest chapter in the book, 77 whole verses. A chapter that is written in an Isaiah-like style, that we as a culture often struggle to understand. Zenos' allegory of the olive tree.
Basically, Zenos likens the House of Israel unto an olive tree, and goes on to explain the history, and prophesy the future, of God's people. Very Old Testament, Abrahamic covenant style here.
And I actually really love this chapter already, for all it teaches us of the nature of God: His patience and long-suffering with us, His diligence in our salvation, the fact that He weeps, grieving, should He lose any of His children. There is so much wonderful insight into His character in this chapter, as we read the narrative of His dealings with His covenant children.
But my teacher, Brother Griffin, took it a step past that. He encouraged us to think in the Hebrew style, and find more layers of symbolism in these teachings. And he compared it all to us.
Suddenly, the pruning of the olive tree was God giving me trials and guidance, things that are hard, but that I need. The digging and nourishing was Him preparing me for, and then giving me, blessings. And grafting was His hand guiding people and experiences that I need into my life.
It all hit me in a way it never had before.
But it got deeper later, as we spoke of the time when the branches that were grafted in overwhelmed the roots of the tree, and it brought forth evil fruit (Jacob 5:48). I had already thought of this passage as a warning against personal pride, loftiness, which will strangle out righteousness.
But it goes deeper. Brother Griffin talked about how, sometimes, before we can grow or stretch more, we need to work on our core, our roots. We need to be stronger, more steady, more ready to take on extra weight or added growth. He related that to our personal lives and also to the growth of the church as a whole. He said we're in a slow growth time- and that's ok, because trees don't grow the same amount every year. But he also said that it means that we need to work on the roots, on us. And as I thought about my mission, my eighteen month labour of love complete with one baptism, I could see how that was true. And this moment struck me.
Because I worked hard. I did. I wasn't perfect, but I tried to do what was right. And every city I worked in was a constant struggle to find people to teach, and to try to improve relationships with the members and to get them involved in missionary work. And twice, when I left an area, in the following transfers there was growth and success, baptisms. And I struggled with that, comparing myself to the other missionaries, wondering why I never saw results like that. Towards the end of my mission, I started to appreciate what a work I had done in building member relations and preparing the way for the next missionaries.
But in class today, as Brother Griffin spoke about nourishing the roots, I was overcome by my feelings, knowing how much time I've spent doing just that. And in contemplation, I realise that I feel more ok about it now than I ever did in the field, more open to the fact that I did work. Somehow, it hit me that it was ok, and important.
And also, that I have a lot of work to do on my own roots. I'm not in my best place right now, spiritually, academically, in terms of motivation and sticktuitiveness. And I felt sharply, how far I have to go. But I am so looking forward to Gerneral Conference this weekend, to help me find some of the guidance I need. And I am ready to work on my roots, so that when the growth comes, I am ready to bear the burdens God asks me to.
It's going to be a good year.
HOLY COW WOW
So I'm at university, and I might as well clarify that it is indeed Brigham Young University, which is a private school owned by my church that is, naturally, very religious. Also, it means I get to see these mountains all the time:
But anyhow. I'm taking a Teaching and Doctrine of the Book of Mormon class, and every time I walk out of there, I'm just in awe at how much I've learned. I am not ignorant when it comes to the Book of Mormon- I've read it multiple times in two languages, and while I'm still learning, I do know much of the doctrine and many of the overarching themes. And it continually astounds me for its beauty and simplicity and all that I can learn, every time I open it.
So today, in this class we discussed Jacob 5. A chapter that is jokingly dreaded as the longest chapter in the book, 77 whole verses. A chapter that is written in an Isaiah-like style, that we as a culture often struggle to understand. Zenos' allegory of the olive tree.
Basically, Zenos likens the House of Israel unto an olive tree, and goes on to explain the history, and prophesy the future, of God's people. Very Old Testament, Abrahamic covenant style here.
And I actually really love this chapter already, for all it teaches us of the nature of God: His patience and long-suffering with us, His diligence in our salvation, the fact that He weeps, grieving, should He lose any of His children. There is so much wonderful insight into His character in this chapter, as we read the narrative of His dealings with His covenant children.
But my teacher, Brother Griffin, took it a step past that. He encouraged us to think in the Hebrew style, and find more layers of symbolism in these teachings. And he compared it all to us.
Suddenly, the pruning of the olive tree was God giving me trials and guidance, things that are hard, but that I need. The digging and nourishing was Him preparing me for, and then giving me, blessings. And grafting was His hand guiding people and experiences that I need into my life.
It all hit me in a way it never had before.
But it got deeper later, as we spoke of the time when the branches that were grafted in overwhelmed the roots of the tree, and it brought forth evil fruit (Jacob 5:48). I had already thought of this passage as a warning against personal pride, loftiness, which will strangle out righteousness.
But it goes deeper. Brother Griffin talked about how, sometimes, before we can grow or stretch more, we need to work on our core, our roots. We need to be stronger, more steady, more ready to take on extra weight or added growth. He related that to our personal lives and also to the growth of the church as a whole. He said we're in a slow growth time- and that's ok, because trees don't grow the same amount every year. But he also said that it means that we need to work on the roots, on us. And as I thought about my mission, my eighteen month labour of love complete with one baptism, I could see how that was true. And this moment struck me.
Because I worked hard. I did. I wasn't perfect, but I tried to do what was right. And every city I worked in was a constant struggle to find people to teach, and to try to improve relationships with the members and to get them involved in missionary work. And twice, when I left an area, in the following transfers there was growth and success, baptisms. And I struggled with that, comparing myself to the other missionaries, wondering why I never saw results like that. Towards the end of my mission, I started to appreciate what a work I had done in building member relations and preparing the way for the next missionaries.
But in class today, as Brother Griffin spoke about nourishing the roots, I was overcome by my feelings, knowing how much time I've spent doing just that. And in contemplation, I realise that I feel more ok about it now than I ever did in the field, more open to the fact that I did work. Somehow, it hit me that it was ok, and important.
And also, that I have a lot of work to do on my own roots. I'm not in my best place right now, spiritually, academically, in terms of motivation and sticktuitiveness. And I felt sharply, how far I have to go. But I am so looking forward to Gerneral Conference this weekend, to help me find some of the guidance I need. And I am ready to work on my roots, so that when the growth comes, I am ready to bear the burdens God asks me to.
It's going to be a good year.
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Compare and Contrast
So, y'all know about Tak. (a quick summary: my high school best friend, and crush, dated him sophomore year, he went to college, we broke up, and aren't really friends anymore) But you don't know about Baw. (a quick summary: my older brother's best friend in Podunk, I had a crush on him in middle school that faded after we moved to Myneton) So, this week, Baw returned from his mission to the Chile Osborno Mission, and of course, big brother (oh my gosh I'm bad at this blogging stuff. big brother got home from the Mexcio City East mission on October 17, and we've basically been hanging out nonstop since then, because we have no obligations.) and I had to go to the airport when he flew in, because big brother was STOKED to see him again! And then we went to his homecoming talk this Sunday... And I just got thinking.
First off, it was so fun to see Baw and my big brother together again. Going on nine years of friendship, and they're hilarious. And they get each other- they really just go together.
But I couldn't help comparing Baw and Tak. They're really similar, and I had crushes on the two of them for a lot of the same reasons- musician, funny, kind, a strong testimony of the Gospel... But looking at them now, it's like...
Well, Baw is still all of those things that I liked. And Tak isn't anymore. I mean, Tak and I haven't even talked in over a year (because he thinks it'd be awkward or something? not really sure...), but from Rle's friendship with him, we know that he's sort of fallen away from the Church (sad, sad, sad!). And he's just... changed a lot since high school. I mean, he's still cute and musical, but he seems to be less considerate, less kind, and he's lost that light. It's like he's become a worse version of himself, I guess. It's sad.
But Baw is shining with this Gospel light, and he's so excited about his testimony, and the chance he had to go to Chile. And he's still cute and musical, and funny and kind, and all the things I liked.
Just, looking at the two of them now... Well, if I were looking to date right now (which I'm not because I'M GOING ON A MISSION IN 42 DAYS!!!! :) Germany here I come!), Baw is exactly the sort of guy I'd go on a date with, someone I'd love to have in my friend group. And Tak is not even on that radar.
It's interesting to see the contrast in them in the two years since they've graduated.
First off, it was so fun to see Baw and my big brother together again. Going on nine years of friendship, and they're hilarious. And they get each other- they really just go together.
But I couldn't help comparing Baw and Tak. They're really similar, and I had crushes on the two of them for a lot of the same reasons- musician, funny, kind, a strong testimony of the Gospel... But looking at them now, it's like...
Well, Baw is still all of those things that I liked. And Tak isn't anymore. I mean, Tak and I haven't even talked in over a year (because he thinks it'd be awkward or something? not really sure...), but from Rle's friendship with him, we know that he's sort of fallen away from the Church (sad, sad, sad!). And he's just... changed a lot since high school. I mean, he's still cute and musical, but he seems to be less considerate, less kind, and he's lost that light. It's like he's become a worse version of himself, I guess. It's sad.
But Baw is shining with this Gospel light, and he's so excited about his testimony, and the chance he had to go to Chile. And he's still cute and musical, and funny and kind, and all the things I liked.
Just, looking at the two of them now... Well, if I were looking to date right now (which I'm not because I'M GOING ON A MISSION IN 42 DAYS!!!! :) Germany here I come!), Baw is exactly the sort of guy I'd go on a date with, someone I'd love to have in my friend group. And Tak is not even on that radar.
It's interesting to see the contrast in them in the two years since they've graduated.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Making Words Matter
Right, I'm finally posting this. Because it's still important.
So, I was asked to speak back in June (on the 14th, actually), along with my friend Kys, who also just graduated. Our topic was broad- "How did seminary and high school change your life/what did you learn from them?" Yeah. HUGE. And we both thought a lot about it... But neither of us wrote anything down.
I get up on the stand that morning, and Kys says, "I have it all in my head."
"Oh, me too. I'm just writing down my five main points, just in case." Because I'd pulled out a pen and a paper, and that's what I was doing.
"Ooo, that's a good idea!" So Kys pulled out her cell phone and made a note with her five main points. (Yes, we both had five. FACT.)
So, I walked up to speak with my five points, two of which were these:
It's okay to not know the answer.
God knows you and loves you individually.
Everything I talked about was significant to me, but those two especially. Here's why:
It's okay to not know the answer! Sometimes, you run across questions in the Gospel, doctrines you're not sure on, and sometimes things won't seem to make sense, even if you pray and ponder and do everything else. And that's ALRIGHT. It doesn't mean God isn't answering you... Sometimes it means you aren't ready for the answer yet, and sometimes it means that you'll never get the answer. And that's okay. Even Christ doesn't know everything! And if there are some things that we won't know in this life, that is alright.
And this is something I struggled with, all through high school. It was frustrating to me to not get answers, or to feel like I wasn't being heard. It made me wonder if I was doing something wrong, and sometimes it was a huge test of my faith. But I realised this year that it's ok to not know EVERYTHING. It's ok to just say, "I don't know," and lean on my faith in God. That was HUGE for me.
God knows you and loves you individually. This is SO. IMPORTANT. There will be times in your life when you may feel like you don't have any friends, or no one understands you, or maybe you're not getting along with your family. It will be hard. BUT. The most powerful person in this universe is on your side, in your corner, and He will never let you down.
And I told this story that had a huge effect on my testimony of this (which actually occurred over a year ago, from when I'm posting this. any comments I didn't originally share will be in green, everything else will be verbatim just as I said it then).
"This fall (2014), I had the opportunity to be one of the drum majors for the high school marching band, something that I've wanted to do for a long time. While it was an amazing experience, and I learned a lot, it was also one of the most challenging things I have ever done. We had a new band director this year (2014-15), because our other director retired at the end of last year (2013-14), and that added to the challenges. The band, as a whole, was getting used to a new director, and pushing limits, and it was frustrating to deal with.
"There was one particular football game (Sep 19, 2014) that was incredibly difficult. It was a pile up of a lot of things, but I basically felt like I wasn't fulfilling my obligations, and that I could do a better job, and I was so frustrated with the way the whole band was acting, and I just didn't know what to do about. The other drum major (Rle!) and I ended up in tears for the whole second half of the game, and cried for a long while after it. We felt awful.
"But the next day (Sep 20), we had a youth temple trip to do baptisms at the Salt Lake Temple. We had a ward devotional in the baptistry chapel, BishopB talked about how it doesn't matter where you were yesterday, or what other people think, or what challenges you're having- and I just started to cry- because we're in the temple now, and none of it matters here.
"And I just kept crying, waiting to do baptisms, getting confirmed. I think I scared a couple of our Beehives, because it was their first time doing baptisms, and I just bawled the whole time. But I was crying because I just felt this overwhelming sense of peace and love. I could feel the Spirit confirming that I am a daughter of God, that He knows me, and that if I kept doing my best to fulfill my obligations and to keep His commandments, that I was going to be okay. That feeling of peace and love stayed with me that whole day.
"The next day, Sunday (Sep 21), I asked my dad for a father's blessing. Despite the fact that I felt much better after being in the temple, I was still dreading going to band the next day. So my dad, without knowing what I had felt in the temple, gave me a blessing- in which he said all the same things. Again, I felt that feeling of love and peace.
"And, that night, my mom gave me a letter, saying she had felt impressed to write me a note. She had been out of town that weekend, and didn't know that I had been upset, or why I wanted the father's blessing when I asked for it, but this letter talked about what a valuable daughter of God I am, and how she's so proud of me, and other things.
"Although that football game was an awful experience, the witness of God's love for me that I received because of it is incredible. Maybe, in the eternal scheme of things, being the drum major of the marching band doesn't matter that much. But it was important to me, and because (and here I started to cry while giving the talk) I matter to God, it was important to Him."
And I know that it is true that God knows each of us individually, and that he will support us.
This point was my closing point, and I kept crying while I bore my testimony of the Gospel and Christ and the Book of Mormon. But I felt really good about my talk.
Then, later that day, one of my friends texted me- a kid in my ward who's been in band and choir with me, and who'll be a junior this year. This is how that conversation went:
Him: [My name] your talk today was so awesome! It was so inspiring and amazing. Thank you for always being such a good example to me and helping me to remember who I am. I'm so happy we got to know each other of the course of the past couple of years. It really has been awesome. I'm so excited to watch you continue to grow and become a better and more amazing person.
I cried. I was so worried about my talk, and knowing that it had impacted someone, especially one of the other youth, really meant the world to me.
Me: Thank you so much, [his name]! That really means a lot to me, cuz I was really nervous about this talk and it I'd be able to say everything I needed to. And I'm glad I know you too. You're a great kid! ^_^
Him: You didn't even seem nervous at all it was so great and made my day! Thank you.
Me: Haha thanks! But seriously that means so much to me.
Him: You are welcome!
And it seriously was the hugest thing to me, knowing that my words mattered. It was amazing. I was so worry about the talk, and if I'd be able to say something that would matter, and that I'd be guided by the Spirit. And something mattered to my friend. And that means so much to me.
So, I was asked to speak back in June (on the 14th, actually), along with my friend Kys, who also just graduated. Our topic was broad- "How did seminary and high school change your life/what did you learn from them?" Yeah. HUGE. And we both thought a lot about it... But neither of us wrote anything down.
I get up on the stand that morning, and Kys says, "I have it all in my head."
"Oh, me too. I'm just writing down my five main points, just in case." Because I'd pulled out a pen and a paper, and that's what I was doing.
"Ooo, that's a good idea!" So Kys pulled out her cell phone and made a note with her five main points. (Yes, we both had five. FACT.)
So, I walked up to speak with my five points, two of which were these:
It's okay to not know the answer.
God knows you and loves you individually.
Everything I talked about was significant to me, but those two especially. Here's why:
It's okay to not know the answer! Sometimes, you run across questions in the Gospel, doctrines you're not sure on, and sometimes things won't seem to make sense, even if you pray and ponder and do everything else. And that's ALRIGHT. It doesn't mean God isn't answering you... Sometimes it means you aren't ready for the answer yet, and sometimes it means that you'll never get the answer. And that's okay. Even Christ doesn't know everything! And if there are some things that we won't know in this life, that is alright.
And this is something I struggled with, all through high school. It was frustrating to me to not get answers, or to feel like I wasn't being heard. It made me wonder if I was doing something wrong, and sometimes it was a huge test of my faith. But I realised this year that it's ok to not know EVERYTHING. It's ok to just say, "I don't know," and lean on my faith in God. That was HUGE for me.
God knows you and loves you individually. This is SO. IMPORTANT. There will be times in your life when you may feel like you don't have any friends, or no one understands you, or maybe you're not getting along with your family. It will be hard. BUT. The most powerful person in this universe is on your side, in your corner, and He will never let you down.
And I told this story that had a huge effect on my testimony of this (which actually occurred over a year ago, from when I'm posting this. any comments I didn't originally share will be in green, everything else will be verbatim just as I said it then).
"This fall (2014), I had the opportunity to be one of the drum majors for the high school marching band, something that I've wanted to do for a long time. While it was an amazing experience, and I learned a lot, it was also one of the most challenging things I have ever done. We had a new band director this year (2014-15), because our other director retired at the end of last year (2013-14), and that added to the challenges. The band, as a whole, was getting used to a new director, and pushing limits, and it was frustrating to deal with.
"There was one particular football game (Sep 19, 2014) that was incredibly difficult. It was a pile up of a lot of things, but I basically felt like I wasn't fulfilling my obligations, and that I could do a better job, and I was so frustrated with the way the whole band was acting, and I just didn't know what to do about. The other drum major (Rle!) and I ended up in tears for the whole second half of the game, and cried for a long while after it. We felt awful.
"But the next day (Sep 20), we had a youth temple trip to do baptisms at the Salt Lake Temple. We had a ward devotional in the baptistry chapel, BishopB talked about how it doesn't matter where you were yesterday, or what other people think, or what challenges you're having- and I just started to cry- because we're in the temple now, and none of it matters here.
"And I just kept crying, waiting to do baptisms, getting confirmed. I think I scared a couple of our Beehives, because it was their first time doing baptisms, and I just bawled the whole time. But I was crying because I just felt this overwhelming sense of peace and love. I could feel the Spirit confirming that I am a daughter of God, that He knows me, and that if I kept doing my best to fulfill my obligations and to keep His commandments, that I was going to be okay. That feeling of peace and love stayed with me that whole day.
"The next day, Sunday (Sep 21), I asked my dad for a father's blessing. Despite the fact that I felt much better after being in the temple, I was still dreading going to band the next day. So my dad, without knowing what I had felt in the temple, gave me a blessing- in which he said all the same things. Again, I felt that feeling of love and peace.
"And, that night, my mom gave me a letter, saying she had felt impressed to write me a note. She had been out of town that weekend, and didn't know that I had been upset, or why I wanted the father's blessing when I asked for it, but this letter talked about what a valuable daughter of God I am, and how she's so proud of me, and other things.
"Although that football game was an awful experience, the witness of God's love for me that I received because of it is incredible. Maybe, in the eternal scheme of things, being the drum major of the marching band doesn't matter that much. But it was important to me, and because (and here I started to cry while giving the talk) I matter to God, it was important to Him."
And I know that it is true that God knows each of us individually, and that he will support us.
This point was my closing point, and I kept crying while I bore my testimony of the Gospel and Christ and the Book of Mormon. But I felt really good about my talk.
Then, later that day, one of my friends texted me- a kid in my ward who's been in band and choir with me, and who'll be a junior this year. This is how that conversation went:
Him: [My name] your talk today was so awesome! It was so inspiring and amazing. Thank you for always being such a good example to me and helping me to remember who I am. I'm so happy we got to know each other of the course of the past couple of years. It really has been awesome. I'm so excited to watch you continue to grow and become a better and more amazing person.
I cried. I was so worried about my talk, and knowing that it had impacted someone, especially one of the other youth, really meant the world to me.
Me: Thank you so much, [his name]! That really means a lot to me, cuz I was really nervous about this talk and it I'd be able to say everything I needed to. And I'm glad I know you too. You're a great kid! ^_^
Him: You didn't even seem nervous at all it was so great and made my day! Thank you.
Me: Haha thanks! But seriously that means so much to me.
Him: You are welcome!
And it seriously was the hugest thing to me, knowing that my words mattered. It was amazing. I was so worry about the talk, and if I'd be able to say something that would matter, and that I'd be guided by the Spirit. And something mattered to my friend. And that means so much to me.
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Where You Want Me To Go
IT CAME, IT F I N A L L Y CAME!
But before I talk about opening my call, I've gotta talk about some other things relating to the mission.
Like I talked about in this post back in April, I spent the past school year debating and fasting and praying about whether to go to college or to go on a mission this fall. And I eventually made the decision to go on a mission, and received confirmation that it was right for me.
So I excitedly began working on my paperwork, hoping to finish it quickly. I was hoping to have it done in May, and to leave in September, right after I turned 19, but then... Life has a way of doing things.
See, I have this old leg injury from the summer of 2012. Another girl and I kicked shins REALLY hard during a game of pick-up soccer. I had a pretty deep bruise, but it went away after a few weeks, and I felt fine. Then, towards the end of cross country season that year, my leg started to ache a little, right in that spot. But the season ended, and the ache went away. I wasn't able to run the next season, and my leg never bothered me. But last fall, 2014, I got to run again. I started running in July (pre-season conditioning!) and by the end of September, this pain in my leg was back with a vengeance. I ran through it all season, sitting out a couple of tough workouts and even one meet, and nothing we did fixed it. It hurt. BAD. We went to a doctor here in Myneton, who specialises in sports injuries, and he diagnosed it as a fascial tear, with nothing to be done but a tiny surgery, which he suggested postponing 'til summer. Throughout this year, random stuff, like walk/running around Disneyland for two days, would aggravate my leg again, and it would hurt. It was really frustrating, but I trusted the doctor and waited to schedule the procedure he said I needed.
But, back to this May, as I'm working on my papers, and we start getting all my medical worked out, my mom decides we should get a second opinion on my leg. The first week of June, we went to a clinic in Salt Lake City, the closest big(ish) city to Myneton. (fun fact of the day: Myneton is a small town in northeastern Nevada and Podunk is an even samller town in northern Utah. the move was fun....) The doctor there disagreed with the fascial tear diagnosis, saying that he didn't feel anything equivalent to that, and he called it something else. He gave me a prescription for an anti-inflammatory cream, told me to use it for a month, then start really running again, and get it aggravated up, then schedule an MRI and a follow-up with him.
So I did. Everything else with my papers was done, all my other medical, and I just needed this one old leg injury cleared. It was frustrating to me to watch the time slip closer and closer to September, when I wanted to be leaving. I spent all of June using this anti-inflammatory cream on my old injury, and then all of July running and playing Just Dance, and trying to get the impacts I needed to annoy this old injury. We finally got an MRI and an appointment scheduled in the middle of August:
The good news: I don't have cancer, it's no serious issue, and it's something that can be fixed. It is indeed his diagnosis of something else, which is basically just line level nineteen shin splints.
The bad news: the treatment is to leave it alone and hope it goes away (umm, it's been three years and one of those I didn't run, I don't think that's it...) or to do this crazy procedure where you basically cut the leg open, flay all the muscle off the bone, and let it put itself back. It heals better than it started. That procedure takes at least six months to recover from. (six months?? that's so long!!)
The best news: it shouldn't interfere with my going on a mission. Because what tends to aggravate my injury is high-impact stuff, running and whatnot, mission life should be fine. Walking, biking, no big deal, just no running or jogging. We decided to wait until after my mission to see if we need the surgery, and I got my last piece of medical clearance!
But now, in the middle of August, I faced a new dilemma. My big brother is supposed to be home from his mission in Mexico City at the end of October or beginning of November. I've seen a few people put their papers in, get a call two weeks later, and leave a month after that. If I got one of those, I would miss my brother by a week. And I struggled with what to do for my availability date.
My original plan had been to leave in September. Overlapping my big brother for a few months wouldn't have bothered me... But a week. A WEEK. I worked on finishing up my paperwork, and I debated my availability date. And I prayed.
And then, somewhere along the way, I thought of something. Almost five years ago, when we found out we'd have to move from Podunk, Utah, to Myneton, Nevada, I made the hymn "I'll Go Where You Want Me To Go" my life's motto. My parents had fasted and prayed, and they knew that it was right. So I trusted God. And of course, as I'd been working on my mission papers, the song had often been in mind. But as I wondered what to do about my availability date, I realised that it's not just about going where the Lord wants me, it's about going when He wants me. With that in mind, I put my date as September 9, the earliest I could with my summer job. My call can always come for a later date, but it can't come for an earlier one. So I put my trust in the Lord.
After interviewing with my bishop and my stake president, my papers got submitted to Salt Lake the first week of September. And the waiting began. In the meantime, we've found out that my brother is scheduled to be home October 17- a week earlier than we expected. BUT. He's also applied for an extension, because he's been called to train, and he wants to finish the full two transfers with his greenie. The extension would probably put him home in December.
And I'm waiting for my call. THEN. This Tuesday, the 22 of September, it finally came! We invited a bunch of my friends over, and got all my family and some long distance friends on skype and phone calls, and I opened my envelope and read:
Dear Sister Harris:
You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the Germany Frankfurt Mission. It is anticipated that you will serve for a period of 18 months.
You should report to the Provo Missionary Training Center on Wednesday, December 9, 2015. You will prepare to preach the gospel in the German language.
And I cried.
And I just... WOW. The Spirit I felt was overwhelming, confirming to me that this IS what I'm supposed to be doing, and this is when and where I'm supposed to be going.
And it's kinda crazy, because Germany has been the joke the whole time. I took three years of German during high school, and I did really well. My cousin Sep went German speaking, to Germany and Austria and Switzerland. And just this last weekend, we were in Utah for a family gathering, joking about if I went to Germany, and Sep says, "Hey, if you do, I can hand you a German Book of Mormon right now." My friends have teased me about it. But it's actually happening, and I KNOW that it's the right thing for me!
I am so excited to share my testimony of this Gospel and its light and truth with the people of Germany!
76 days. But who's counting? :)
But before I talk about opening my call, I've gotta talk about some other things relating to the mission.
Like I talked about in this post back in April, I spent the past school year debating and fasting and praying about whether to go to college or to go on a mission this fall. And I eventually made the decision to go on a mission, and received confirmation that it was right for me.
So I excitedly began working on my paperwork, hoping to finish it quickly. I was hoping to have it done in May, and to leave in September, right after I turned 19, but then... Life has a way of doing things.
See, I have this old leg injury from the summer of 2012. Another girl and I kicked shins REALLY hard during a game of pick-up soccer. I had a pretty deep bruise, but it went away after a few weeks, and I felt fine. Then, towards the end of cross country season that year, my leg started to ache a little, right in that spot. But the season ended, and the ache went away. I wasn't able to run the next season, and my leg never bothered me. But last fall, 2014, I got to run again. I started running in July (pre-season conditioning!) and by the end of September, this pain in my leg was back with a vengeance. I ran through it all season, sitting out a couple of tough workouts and even one meet, and nothing we did fixed it. It hurt. BAD. We went to a doctor here in Myneton, who specialises in sports injuries, and he diagnosed it as a fascial tear, with nothing to be done but a tiny surgery, which he suggested postponing 'til summer. Throughout this year, random stuff, like walk/running around Disneyland for two days, would aggravate my leg again, and it would hurt. It was really frustrating, but I trusted the doctor and waited to schedule the procedure he said I needed.
But, back to this May, as I'm working on my papers, and we start getting all my medical worked out, my mom decides we should get a second opinion on my leg. The first week of June, we went to a clinic in Salt Lake City, the closest big(ish) city to Myneton. (fun fact of the day: Myneton is a small town in northeastern Nevada and Podunk is an even samller town in northern Utah. the move was fun....) The doctor there disagreed with the fascial tear diagnosis, saying that he didn't feel anything equivalent to that, and he called it something else. He gave me a prescription for an anti-inflammatory cream, told me to use it for a month, then start really running again, and get it aggravated up, then schedule an MRI and a follow-up with him.
So I did. Everything else with my papers was done, all my other medical, and I just needed this one old leg injury cleared. It was frustrating to me to watch the time slip closer and closer to September, when I wanted to be leaving. I spent all of June using this anti-inflammatory cream on my old injury, and then all of July running and playing Just Dance, and trying to get the impacts I needed to annoy this old injury. We finally got an MRI and an appointment scheduled in the middle of August:
The good news: I don't have cancer, it's no serious issue, and it's something that can be fixed. It is indeed his diagnosis of something else, which is basically just line level nineteen shin splints.
The bad news: the treatment is to leave it alone and hope it goes away (umm, it's been three years and one of those I didn't run, I don't think that's it...) or to do this crazy procedure where you basically cut the leg open, flay all the muscle off the bone, and let it put itself back. It heals better than it started. That procedure takes at least six months to recover from. (six months?? that's so long!!)
The best news: it shouldn't interfere with my going on a mission. Because what tends to aggravate my injury is high-impact stuff, running and whatnot, mission life should be fine. Walking, biking, no big deal, just no running or jogging. We decided to wait until after my mission to see if we need the surgery, and I got my last piece of medical clearance!
But now, in the middle of August, I faced a new dilemma. My big brother is supposed to be home from his mission in Mexico City at the end of October or beginning of November. I've seen a few people put their papers in, get a call two weeks later, and leave a month after that. If I got one of those, I would miss my brother by a week. And I struggled with what to do for my availability date.
My original plan had been to leave in September. Overlapping my big brother for a few months wouldn't have bothered me... But a week. A WEEK. I worked on finishing up my paperwork, and I debated my availability date. And I prayed.
And then, somewhere along the way, I thought of something. Almost five years ago, when we found out we'd have to move from Podunk, Utah, to Myneton, Nevada, I made the hymn "I'll Go Where You Want Me To Go" my life's motto. My parents had fasted and prayed, and they knew that it was right. So I trusted God. And of course, as I'd been working on my mission papers, the song had often been in mind. But as I wondered what to do about my availability date, I realised that it's not just about going where the Lord wants me, it's about going when He wants me. With that in mind, I put my date as September 9, the earliest I could with my summer job. My call can always come for a later date, but it can't come for an earlier one. So I put my trust in the Lord.
After interviewing with my bishop and my stake president, my papers got submitted to Salt Lake the first week of September. And the waiting began. In the meantime, we've found out that my brother is scheduled to be home October 17- a week earlier than we expected. BUT. He's also applied for an extension, because he's been called to train, and he wants to finish the full two transfers with his greenie. The extension would probably put him home in December.
And I'm waiting for my call. THEN. This Tuesday, the 22 of September, it finally came! We invited a bunch of my friends over, and got all my family and some long distance friends on skype and phone calls, and I opened my envelope and read:
Dear Sister Harris:
You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the Germany Frankfurt Mission. It is anticipated that you will serve for a period of 18 months.
You should report to the Provo Missionary Training Center on Wednesday, December 9, 2015. You will prepare to preach the gospel in the German language.
And I cried.
And I just... WOW. The Spirit I felt was overwhelming, confirming to me that this IS what I'm supposed to be doing, and this is when and where I'm supposed to be going.
And it's kinda crazy, because Germany has been the joke the whole time. I took three years of German during high school, and I did really well. My cousin Sep went German speaking, to Germany and Austria and Switzerland. And just this last weekend, we were in Utah for a family gathering, joking about if I went to Germany, and Sep says, "Hey, if you do, I can hand you a German Book of Mormon right now." My friends have teased me about it. But it's actually happening, and I KNOW that it's the right thing for me!
I am so excited to share my testimony of this Gospel and its light and truth with the people of Germany!
76 days. But who's counting? :)
Sunday, August 30, 2015
19 Years Go By So Quickly
Yeah. It's my birthday. 19 today. (mission, here I come!)
And I just feel retrospective, and I'm going to post some things about myself. (there were going to be 19 originally, but I started this post way too late. so I've got like 10. oh well.) Things I love, things I've learned, things I'd like to leave behind.... So here we go.
love- READING. I've always been a reader, as long as I can remember. I've lived thousands of lives and been to a million places and books have saved me and inspired me and amazed me and I absolutely love them. The Chronicles of Narnia. The Harry Potter Series. The Books of Bayern. The Cry of the Icemark. The Bartimaeus Trilogy. The Percy Jackson Series. Just to name a few. I grew up in worlds of ink and paper, with my dad reading us stories and bringing words to life. Reading is amazing.
learn- What other people think doesn't matter. And I don't mean ignore your parents or your very best friend's good advice. What I mean is, it doesn't matter if the girl in your class thinks your pants aren't cute enough or if the boy doesn't laugh at your jokes or if your hair/face/laugh/thing you love/hobby isn't fashionable or whatever else. If you spend your time worrying about pleasing others, it is far too easy to lose yourself in the disaster that high school and society can be. You're the only person who lives with you 100% of every day, and you need to be okay with who you are. And who you are is brilliant and bright.
leave- Insecurity. Because of what I just talked about, I've also realised that insecurity is something I can live without. Yes, it's scary to talk in front of people, and I'm nervous about singing or performing or auditions, and sometimes I may not like the way I look. But letting insecurity eat away at my love for myself is never worth it.
love- MUSIC. I've been singing for as long as I can remember, playing piano since second grade, bassoon since sixth, saxophone since ninth, writing music/songs since eighth grade. And music is a wonder. Ink on a page and creations of wood and metal can change moods, break hearts or mend them, hurt and heal. Music expresses what words cannot, and it is miraculous.
learn- It's okay to be weird. I spent ridiculous amounts of time in high school trying to be less weird than I thought I was. But ya know what? It's beautiful to be passionate about something, whether that's cars or Broadway or painting or calculus. There's no need to shave off the ragged edges of your weirdness, because that's what sets you apart from everyone else, what makes you powerful, worth talking to. Love the thing you love, do that thing you do, and know that you will be all the more interesting because of that. No one ever made history who wasn't called weird at some point.
leave- Toxic people. There are times when you may meet someone who brings you down- they guilt trip you or make you feel bad about yourself, they make you doubt yourself and your abilities, they make you question your worth. Don't let those people take up your time and eat away at your soul. Surround yourself with those who bring you up and encourage you and make you feel valuable and wonderful, because YOU ARE.
love- WRITING. Well, if you've been reading this, you know I write poetry, songs, words. There is something incredibly therapeutic about watching my soul come to life on a paper, organised and beautiful. And writing has been an incredible outlet for me, when I've been sad, lonely, happy, excited, angry, confused... Words are magical.
learn- Life is scary and hard and wonderful. Take chances. There will always be things you can't plan for, and unexpected events, but if you never try, you'll never succeed at anything. You will never know how much you may love something if you don't give it ago, and you will never know how much someone may mean to you if you never say hello. Don't let the things you're afraid of stop you from living.
leave- Unnecessary worry. If you can't change it, don't let it ruin your life. Make the changes you can, but accept that it may rain. Bring your umbrella, and enjoy it. Don't let tiny stresses take the joy out of life.
last, but not least- The Gospel is true and God loves you. That's it. That's the most important thing. I've had times of doubt and been lost, during high school. But the Gospel of Christ always ended up being the only thing that made any sense. And it always will. He will always be there, because He loves you.
Yeah. I guess I've grown up, some. Let's see the next 19?
And I just feel retrospective, and I'm going to post some things about myself. (there were going to be 19 originally, but I started this post way too late. so I've got like 10. oh well.) Things I love, things I've learned, things I'd like to leave behind.... So here we go.
love- READING. I've always been a reader, as long as I can remember. I've lived thousands of lives and been to a million places and books have saved me and inspired me and amazed me and I absolutely love them. The Chronicles of Narnia. The Harry Potter Series. The Books of Bayern. The Cry of the Icemark. The Bartimaeus Trilogy. The Percy Jackson Series. Just to name a few. I grew up in worlds of ink and paper, with my dad reading us stories and bringing words to life. Reading is amazing.
learn- What other people think doesn't matter. And I don't mean ignore your parents or your very best friend's good advice. What I mean is, it doesn't matter if the girl in your class thinks your pants aren't cute enough or if the boy doesn't laugh at your jokes or if your hair/face/laugh/thing you love/hobby isn't fashionable or whatever else. If you spend your time worrying about pleasing others, it is far too easy to lose yourself in the disaster that high school and society can be. You're the only person who lives with you 100% of every day, and you need to be okay with who you are. And who you are is brilliant and bright.
leave- Insecurity. Because of what I just talked about, I've also realised that insecurity is something I can live without. Yes, it's scary to talk in front of people, and I'm nervous about singing or performing or auditions, and sometimes I may not like the way I look. But letting insecurity eat away at my love for myself is never worth it.
love- MUSIC. I've been singing for as long as I can remember, playing piano since second grade, bassoon since sixth, saxophone since ninth, writing music/songs since eighth grade. And music is a wonder. Ink on a page and creations of wood and metal can change moods, break hearts or mend them, hurt and heal. Music expresses what words cannot, and it is miraculous.
learn- It's okay to be weird. I spent ridiculous amounts of time in high school trying to be less weird than I thought I was. But ya know what? It's beautiful to be passionate about something, whether that's cars or Broadway or painting or calculus. There's no need to shave off the ragged edges of your weirdness, because that's what sets you apart from everyone else, what makes you powerful, worth talking to. Love the thing you love, do that thing you do, and know that you will be all the more interesting because of that. No one ever made history who wasn't called weird at some point.
leave- Toxic people. There are times when you may meet someone who brings you down- they guilt trip you or make you feel bad about yourself, they make you doubt yourself and your abilities, they make you question your worth. Don't let those people take up your time and eat away at your soul. Surround yourself with those who bring you up and encourage you and make you feel valuable and wonderful, because YOU ARE.
love- WRITING. Well, if you've been reading this, you know I write poetry, songs, words. There is something incredibly therapeutic about watching my soul come to life on a paper, organised and beautiful. And writing has been an incredible outlet for me, when I've been sad, lonely, happy, excited, angry, confused... Words are magical.
learn- Life is scary and hard and wonderful. Take chances. There will always be things you can't plan for, and unexpected events, but if you never try, you'll never succeed at anything. You will never know how much you may love something if you don't give it ago, and you will never know how much someone may mean to you if you never say hello. Don't let the things you're afraid of stop you from living.
leave- Unnecessary worry. If you can't change it, don't let it ruin your life. Make the changes you can, but accept that it may rain. Bring your umbrella, and enjoy it. Don't let tiny stresses take the joy out of life.
last, but not least- The Gospel is true and God loves you. That's it. That's the most important thing. I've had times of doubt and been lost, during high school. But the Gospel of Christ always ended up being the only thing that made any sense. And it always will. He will always be there, because He loves you.
Yeah. I guess I've grown up, some. Let's see the next 19?
Monday, June 1, 2015
Class of 2015
Here we are. The class of 2015!
Okay, not what you think. This is the graduating class from seminary from the two stakes in my area. We're missing a few people who were out of town tonight, and one who's already on his mission (whoa!), but that's us. Aren't we cute?
So, we graduated seminary. And ten of us, five from each stake, graduated with four years of honors, meaning that each year we:
- read the book,
- memorised all 25 scripture masteries,
- passed a scripture mastery test, and
- had at least 75% attendance
But anyhow... Honestly, I just have to talk about seminary. Seminary is the single greatest thing EVER. We do early morning here in Myneton, and it's the BEST way to start the day! Waking up early to make it by 6:15 isn't easy, but it is definitely worth it. Feeling the Spirit so strongly first thing is AWESOME.
Seminary has been such a blessing to me over the last four years of my life, and I am so sad that it's over. When I went through hard times with my faith, and I doubted and wondered, the answers I needed often came at seminary, in the lesson, or the devotional, or the hymns we sang. And that is incredible. Seminary did so much to strengthen my testimony of this gospel, of Christ and His atonement.
My freshman year we studied the Old Testament, sophomore year we studied the New Testament, last year we studied the Book of Mormon, and this year we did Doctrine and Covenants/Church History. And what a year it was!
I put a lot of effort into seminary this year, and what I got out was incredible. I journalled a whole bunch too, so later, I'll remember it all. And I just want to talk about it.
I know Joseph Smith was a true prophet of God, and that he was chosen to restore Christ's church in modern times.
I know that the priesthood, the power and authority to act for God, has been restored to the earth, and that our priesthood holders can exercise this power for the benefit of everyone.
I know that families can be together forever, and that is why temples and family history work are so important!
I know that trials will make you stronger, and that the Lord knows what He is doing when He asks you to do hard things.
I know that Christ lived and died for each one of us, and that through His atoning sacrifice, we can make it back to live with our Father in Heaven.
I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is Christ's true church upon the earth today, and that it is the only church with 100% of the Gospel.
And I know that God knows me personally.
And I didn't learn all of this for the first time this year in seminary. But seminary strengthened my testimony immensely. And I am so grateful for it.
Monday, May 11, 2015
Eternity
This Saturday, I had the opportunity to go to the Payson Utah Temple open house with my favourite people in the world- my family!
So, it was me, my little sister, my little brother, Dad, Mom, GrandmaH, GrandpaH, AuntJo, UncleRo, Rip, Zap, and Taw. Kad and Cad would have been there, but one of Kad's best friends was getting married... So they opted out.
But ANYHOW. The Payson temple is absolutely gorgeous- I mean, they all are, but Zap and I walked into the first ordinance room, and our jaws just dropped. It was LOVELY. We basically were just slack-jawed through the whole thing.
And the funny thing is, we've gone to temple open houses before- with Dad's side of the family, we've been to the Oquirrh Mountain, Brigham City, Ogden, Draper... And a few more. So we've seen temples before.
But we're always blown away by how lovely they are.
And not only that, but there is this incredible feeling of peace and love- the strongest presence of the Spirit, and in a temple that isn't even dedicated yet! It's wonderful.
And I love temple open houses- because it's such a brilliant promise for the future, for the eternity that can come.
Walking through the Payson temple Saturday night, all I could think was, "This is where eternity starts."
And it's true.
I can't wait for my turn to go through the temple, and someday to be sealed there, to start my own eternity with my husband.
And of course, when eternity finally gets here, I know that I want my whole family there with me- because I can't picture myself without them.
The temple is seriously the greatest thing ever.
Families are forever!
So, it was me, my little sister, my little brother, Dad, Mom, GrandmaH, GrandpaH, AuntJo, UncleRo, Rip, Zap, and Taw. Kad and Cad would have been there, but one of Kad's best friends was getting married... So they opted out.
But ANYHOW. The Payson temple is absolutely gorgeous- I mean, they all are, but Zap and I walked into the first ordinance room, and our jaws just dropped. It was LOVELY. We basically were just slack-jawed through the whole thing.
And the funny thing is, we've gone to temple open houses before- with Dad's side of the family, we've been to the Oquirrh Mountain, Brigham City, Ogden, Draper... And a few more. So we've seen temples before.
But we're always blown away by how lovely they are.
And not only that, but there is this incredible feeling of peace and love- the strongest presence of the Spirit, and in a temple that isn't even dedicated yet! It's wonderful.
And I love temple open houses- because it's such a brilliant promise for the future, for the eternity that can come.
Walking through the Payson temple Saturday night, all I could think was, "This is where eternity starts."
And it's true.
I can't wait for my turn to go through the temple, and someday to be sealed there, to start my own eternity with my husband.
And of course, when eternity finally gets here, I know that I want my whole family there with me- because I can't picture myself without them.
The temple is seriously the greatest thing ever.
Families are forever!
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
I Hope They Call Me...
First off, for some great mood music, and a REALLY cute video:
So. I have wanted to serve a mission for as long as I can remember. Then, when this happened
my sophomore year of high school, I was SO STOKED. I'm old for my class, an I will turn 19 this August, right after I graduate in June. I can leave with the guys, basically! This option, it seemed, took away any debates about other things interfering, or maybe not going. It was perfect!
Then, as this year progressed, and I went through senior year, I began to seriously ponder my future. I've been debating and weighing pros and cons all year, and I've had such a tough time. I eventually decided that, the option is open at 19, but that doesn't mean you must go then, and I have some really amazing college opportunities available.... So, I planned to go to college, maybe do two years or all four, and then serve. I felt okay about that choice, although no real firm answer seemed to be settled on.
But while I was debating, I talked to my mom about it, I talked to my bishop, and they both told me that either choice is good, it's up to me, it's what I need to do. And my wonderful Bishop B. gave me some inspired advice, telling me that it's okay to go or not. I can work on papers, and see what happens. And he said that sometimes, it's frustrating to try to get answers. Sometimes, the Lord lets us struggle, so that when we decide we are sure we are in the right place. And sometimes, it's because either choice is fine- the Lord could use me as a missionary in the field or at college. Bishop B. said that, either way, it will work out. If I go to college, that's great. And if I go on a mission, college will work out- money will work out. And he told me it might be hard, deciding...
But, I really settled last week on what I'd do. I accepted one of my college admission, one that came with a pretty scholarship and amazing benefits that I felt really good about. However, as I started to set up orientation plans and other things, I just felt unsettled- like I was making the wrong choice. I started praying, hard, and I was fasting....
Then, this Sunday. The Sacrament meeting talks were about doing hard things through Christ. And during the meeting, my mom told me she felt prompted to tell me to look up the "Good, Better, Best" talk from a few years ago. Our Sunday School and Young Women's lessons were both about Joseph Smith and the First Vision and how we can discern truth for ourselves. Mission prep was incredibly spiritual. And we had a bishop's youth night, and our former stake president, President S., spoke to us about missionary work, and preparing, and serving... He read the announcement on the age change, and urged our young men to continue to prepare. We have one senior boy in our ward, and he has his call already- he's an amazing example. Then, President S. talked to the girls, about how we can serve- and he talked about his five daughters. Four have passed mission age, two went, and two didn't, and he talked about how both choices are fine, how both situations benefitted his daughters. And I felt the Spirit so strongly, confirming that. But, I was still confused about what this all meant for me- Am I making the right choice, postponing my mission for college? What do I need to be doing?
Then, President S. talked about how the most important focus we should have, mission or not, is the temple. And we read the Message from the First Presidency, focusing on a few points:
"OUR DEAR YOUNG MEN AND YOUNG WOMEN, we have great confidence in you. You are beloved sons and daughters of God and He is mindful of you. You have come to earth at a time of great opportunities and also of great challenges. The standards in this booklet will help you with the important choices you are making now and will yet make in the future. We promise that as you keep the covenants you have made and these standards, you will be blessed with the companionship of the Holy Ghost, your faith and testimony will grow stronger, and you will enjoy increasing happiness.
In all that you do, stay focused on the temple. In the temple you will receive the greatest of all the Lord’s blessings, including marriage for time and all eternity. Keeping the standards in this booklet will help you be worthy to attend the temple, where you can perform sacred ordinances for your ancestors now and make essential covenants for yourself in the future.
Our Father in Heaven has placed great trust in you. He has a work for you to do. Seek His guidance in prayer, and counsel with your parents and leaders. The decisions you make now will set the course for much of what will follow during your mortal life and throughout eternity.
We testify that God lives. It is our fervent prayer that you will remain steadfast and valiant throughout your lives and that you will trust in the Savior and His promises. As you do this, you will be an influence for good in helping to build the kingdom of God and prepare the world for the Second Coming of the Savior."
President S. especially pointed out two lines:
"You are beloved sons and daughters of God and He is mindful of you." and
"In all you do, stay focused on the temple."
And oh, my word, I felt the Spirit, so strongly, testifying to me that God knows me and my struggles and that He cares about me, and that I matter. And that the temple is the ultimate goal!
It was an amazing meeting.
So I went home and I thought and I prayed some more. And I looked up "Good, Better, Best." It's by Dallin H. Oaks, and it's from the October 2007 General Conference (which surprised me, because I remember it, and I was eleven. Wow.). I read through the whole thing, but I kept coming back to the first few paragraphs.
"It is not enough that something is good. Other choices are better, and still others are best." And I just sat there, staring at my computer, praying and pondering about what choice is good, better, best, for me.Most of us have more things expected of us than we can possibly do. As breadwinners, as parents, as Church workers and members, we face many choices on what we will do with our time and other resources.I.
We should begin by recognizing the reality that just because something is good is not a sufficient reason for doing it. The number of good things we can do far exceeds the time available to accomplish them. Some things are better than good, and these are the things that should command priority attention in our lives.Jesus taught this principle in the home of Martha. While she was “cumbered about much serving” (Luke 10:40), her sister, Mary, “sat at Jesus’ feet, and heard his word” (v. 39). When Martha complained that her sister had left her to serve alone, Jesus commended Martha for what she was doing (v. 41) but taught her that “one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her” (v. 42). It was praiseworthy for Martha to be “careful and troubled about many things” (v. 41), but learning the gospel from the Master Teacher was more “needful.” The scriptures contain other teachings that some things are more blessed than others (see Acts 20:35; Alma 32:14–15).A childhood experience introduced me to the idea that some choices are good but others are better. I lived for two years on a farm. We rarely went to town. Our Christmas shopping was done in the Sears, Roebuck catalog. I spent hours poring over its pages. For the rural families of that day, catalog pages were like the shopping mall or the Internet of our time.Something about some displays of merchandise in the catalog fixed itself in my mind. There were three degrees of quality: good, better, and best. For example, some men’s shoes were labeled good ($1.84), some better ($2.98), and some best ($3.45).1As we consider various choices, we should remember that it is not enough that something is good. Other choices are better, and still others are best. Even though a particular choice is more costly, its far greater value may make it the best choice of all.Consider how we use our time in the choices we make in viewing television, playing video games, surfing the Internet, or reading books or magazines. Of course it is good to view wholesome entertainment or to obtain interesting information. But not everything of that sort is worth the portion of our life we give to obtain it. Some things are better, and others are best. When the Lord told us to seek learning, He said, “Seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom” (D&C 88:118; emphasis added).
And I looked over the mission application. And I fasted again the next day. And I came to the conclusion, that, lovely scholarships don't matter. All will be well. And I need to go on a mission.
I'm back on my original plan, to serve right away. And I'm hoping to have my papers done within the next few weeks, before school ends. And I feel so good about this decision.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
For Real, Everybody?
So, my school's prom was this Saturday. There's kind of a tradition that girls wear their dresses and guys wear their boutonnieres and whatnot to church the next day.
However, last year, around prom time, my mom directed my attention to this article.
It appeared in the October 2011 New Era, in the To The Point section. It's the last question, and what it says is this:
So, my mom had me read it and then left it up to me what I would do. I decided not to wear my dress. Last year, when people asked me why, I just explained it to them.
This year, I printed out the article and had them read it. My young women's president said, "That's good enough for me!"
And hers was the only positive reaction I got. Last year, and this year both, people go, "Oh, that's so SAD." or they look at me with pity, like I'm just missing out on this great experience of wearing my fancy dress to church.
And it's not that I couldn't, because my dresses are modest. It's that I choose not to, because we've been counseled not to.
And it drives me CRAZY that people view it as me making a sacrifice, or a sad choice. I'm just doing what we've been asked to do. Why do people pity that?
Why can't people say, "Great for you! I didn't know that we've been asked not to wear our formal attire. Way to set a good example!"
I don't understand why people think it's a negative decision.
Honestly, dealing with everyone pitying me for doing the right thing was harder for me than not wearing the dress, or seeing the other girls in their dresses.
And I think we need to change our perceptions, so that doesn't happen. People who ought to have the same standards shouldn't make others feel pitied for holding those standards.
K. Pet peeve rant over.
However, last year, around prom time, my mom directed my attention to this article.
It appeared in the October 2011 New Era, in the To The Point section. It's the last question, and what it says is this:
"Some youth wear their formal outfits to church on the Sunday after a school’s formal dance. Is this OK for Sunday dress?"
"For the Strength of Youth says, “Show respect for the Lord and for yourself by dressing appropriately for Church meetings” ([2001], 16). So the answer to this question depends on what “appropriately” means.
Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught a principle that helps us understand what is appropriate dress for sacrament meeting. “There should be nothing about [your] personal appearance or actions that would call special attention to [you] or distract anyone present from full attention to the worship and covenant making that are the purpose of this sacred service” (“Sacrament Meeting and the Sacrament,” Ensign, Nov. 2008, 20).
Prom dresses, formals, and tuxedos belong at a dance, not at church. This special type of dress is worn for certain special occasions and would unduly call attention to itself at church.
A priest blessing the sacrament in a tuxedo would be distracting, as would a young woman attending church in a formal dress.
Also keep in mind that there may be young men or young women at church who did not attend the dance. Seeing others in gowns and tuxes could be hurtful and disrupt their worship experience. Be mindful of how you dress, because it could affect those around you, as well as your own worship."
This year, I printed out the article and had them read it. My young women's president said, "That's good enough for me!"
And hers was the only positive reaction I got. Last year, and this year both, people go, "Oh, that's so SAD." or they look at me with pity, like I'm just missing out on this great experience of wearing my fancy dress to church.
And it's not that I couldn't, because my dresses are modest. It's that I choose not to, because we've been counseled not to.
And it drives me CRAZY that people view it as me making a sacrifice, or a sad choice. I'm just doing what we've been asked to do. Why do people pity that?
Why can't people say, "Great for you! I didn't know that we've been asked not to wear our formal attire. Way to set a good example!"
I don't understand why people think it's a negative decision.
Honestly, dealing with everyone pitying me for doing the right thing was harder for me than not wearing the dress, or seeing the other girls in their dresses.
And I think we need to change our perceptions, so that doesn't happen. People who ought to have the same standards shouldn't make others feel pitied for holding those standards.
K. Pet peeve rant over.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Jesus, Once of Humble Birth
So, in my stake we have a Spanish branch, and they don't have a pianist. I'm one of a few youth who get to go play for them sometimes, and yesterday was one of those times. I was playing for the sacrament, and the hymn was #120, Tan Humilde al Nacer. I recognised it as Jesus, Once of Humble Birth, and I was thinking about the lyrics I could remember-
"Jesus, once of humble birth, Now in glory comes to earth. Once he suffered grief and pain; now he comes on earth to reign. Now he comes on earth to reign."
"Now his chariot is the cloud."
"Once all things he meekly bore, but he now will bear no more."
"Now their King he shall be known."
And I almost started to cry, playing that hymn, even though I couldn't understand the words in Spanish, because I could feel the spirit so strongly, just thinking of what I did know! And it was absolutely incredible!
So after I finished playing, I sat down with an English hymnal and read through all the words.
Once forsaken, left alone,
Now exalted to a throne.
Once all things he meekly bore,
But he now will bear no more.
But he now will bear no more.
Holy cow. I cried then. Those words just hit me with such force, and I felt my heart burn within me, and I KNEW they were true. And it's absolutely incredible to me that Jesus was willing to come and suffer and die for us to atone for our sins! And it is going to be AMAZING when he comes again.
I have a new hymn to add to my favourites.
"Jesus, once of humble birth, Now in glory comes to earth. Once he suffered grief and pain; now he comes on earth to reign. Now he comes on earth to reign."
"Now his chariot is the cloud."
"Once all things he meekly bore, but he now will bear no more."
"Now their King he shall be known."
And I almost started to cry, playing that hymn, even though I couldn't understand the words in Spanish, because I could feel the spirit so strongly, just thinking of what I did know! And it was absolutely incredible!
So after I finished playing, I sat down with an English hymnal and read through all the words.
Jesus, Once of Humble Birth
Jesus, once of humble birth,
Now in glory comes to earth.
Once he suffered grief and pain;
Now he comes on earth to reign.
Now he comes on earth to reign.
Once a meek and lowly Lamb,
Now the Lord, the great I Am.
Once upon the cross he bowed;
Now his chariot is the cloud.
Now his chariot is the cloud.
Once he groaned in blood and tears;
Now in glory he appears.
Once rejected by his own,
Now their King he shall be known.
Now their King he shall be known.
Once forsaken, left alone,
Now exalted to a throne.
Once all things he meekly bore,
But he now will bear no more.
But he now will bear no more.
Holy cow. I cried then. Those words just hit me with such force, and I felt my heart burn within me, and I KNEW they were true. And it's absolutely incredible to me that Jesus was willing to come and suffer and die for us to atone for our sins! And it is going to be AMAZING when he comes again.
I have a new hymn to add to my favourites.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
I STAND ALL AMAZED
I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,
That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!
I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,
That he should extend his great love unto such as I,
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,
That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!
I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,
That he should extend his great love unto such as I,
Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!
I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt.
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat,
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet.
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!
I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt.
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat,
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet.
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!
Text and music: Charles H. Gabriel, 1856-1932
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
I Stink At Titles, & That's What's Up
Wellza. This weekend we got to meet our new missionaries (People Moving On? Jan. 8). We had all the missionaries over for dinner on Sunday night, which is always super fun!
Elder Miller's new companion is Elder Brito. He's cool- a little quiet, but then, English is his second language and my family is really loud and moves fast in a conversation... I think he'll warm up to us. :) But he's excited about missionary work and I'm excited to have him here!
I get all upset when missionaries leave, because I just love them so much... But then I love the new missionaries! So I guess it all works out!
And Sister Messervy's new companion is Sister Purcell- she's already graduated from college and worked a couple of years, so she's a bit older than most missionaries, but she's AWESOME. She thinks our family is great, and we had a bonding moment over the movie Frozen, which she saw right before she left on her mission- she's also the second child, and Frozen is a movie for us! (I'm gonna have to write a post about Frozen... XD) And she loves the Church and the Gospel. Great.
I love our new missionaries!
Umm... That was short. I thought I'd say more.
Other things.
Nope.
Missionaries are AWESOME! :)
Elder Miller's new companion is Elder Brito. He's cool- a little quiet, but then, English is his second language and my family is really loud and moves fast in a conversation... I think he'll warm up to us. :) But he's excited about missionary work and I'm excited to have him here!
I get all upset when missionaries leave, because I just love them so much... But then I love the new missionaries! So I guess it all works out!
And Sister Messervy's new companion is Sister Purcell- she's already graduated from college and worked a couple of years, so she's a bit older than most missionaries, but she's AWESOME. She thinks our family is great, and we had a bonding moment over the movie Frozen, which she saw right before she left on her mission- she's also the second child, and Frozen is a movie for us! (I'm gonna have to write a post about Frozen... XD) And she loves the Church and the Gospel. Great.
I love our new missionaries!
Umm... That was short. I thought I'd say more.
Other things.
Nope.
Missionaries are AWESOME! :)
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
People Moving On?
So, I just have to talk about the missionaries. I talked about them in my Christmas post, but I have to say more, because they are very dear to me.
First, we have Elder Miller and Elder Hayes. Elder Miller has been here forever (like, eight months or some crazy thing like that) and Elder Hayes has been here for about four. We've had them over for dinner quite a few times, and they're just awesome people.
And then there's Sister Messervy and Sister Flores. Sister Messervy has been here just longer than Elder Hayes, and Sister Flores has only been here for one transfer. We've had them over a bunch too... Actually, we usually have all the missionaries over at once, because it's just more fun that way! And the sisters are fantastic people too.
Tragically, however, it's time for another transfer, and Elder Hayes and Sister Flores are being relocated. It makes me sad, because I honestly love these missionaries- but at the same time, I know they'll be where the Lord needs them to be, and whoever gets transferred over here... Well, I'll end up loving them too.
Elder Miller is quiet, a little more willing to let his companion talk, but his testimony is so strong and so inspiring. Like, the other day, we had the missionaries over for dinner and family home evening, and we read 1 Nephi 11:8-22, and then he made a comment about wanting to read verse 17. So we worked it out so he could. This section is talking about God, and verse 17 says, "And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things." Elder Miller is like that- the little moments, like a verse of scripture that he really likes, are what stand out about him. But at that moment, that scripture pierced my soul.
What an incredible thought, that even if we don't know all things, we know that God loves his children. He loves us! We are that important!
And, the more times we've had the Elders over, the more comfortable Elder Miller has gotten around us... We tease and joke and laugh and play games, tell stories and just have a good time. But it's his testimony that just stands out to me so much. He's been here pretty much since I realised I didn't really have a testimony anymore and set out to find if the Church was true for myself. Of course, I've never told him, but as we've had the missionaries around, he's helped me find my faith and my testimony again. He's so fired up about the Gospel, about missionary work, and his testimony is inspiring. In fact, this is slated to be his last transfer, six more weeks and then he's home, but he's made comments that he'd like to extend. Elder Miller is a pretty cool dude.
Elder Hayes is also a pretty cool dude, but in a different way. He's loud and outspoken, with a bit of a brash sense of humour. But he's super into missionary work, and very excited about the Gospel.
Fact: every conversation with Elder Hayes ends up being about Jesus.
It doesn't matter what you're talking about-it could be popsicles- and Elder Hayes will say, "And here's how that relates to Jesus:" and then he'll tell you. Sometimes maybe it's a bit of a stretch, but when we tease him about it, he just says that everything really does relate to Jesus. That's what it's all about. And he's right.
We're here to learn and grow, to make mistakes and become better... And we can do all of that because of Heavenly Father and Jesus, and the Plan of Salvation, and the atonement. It all leads back to Jesus, every time. Elder Haye's testimony has been inspiring to me, in my journey back to finding my faith. So I'm super bummed out that he's getting transferred.
And, of course, there's the sisters. I love them, dearly! Sister Messervy has been such a pillar for me to lean on, as I was finding my way back to the light. The one incident that stands out the most with her was one time when we had the missionaries over for dinner, and then we were having a mock discussion... I was teaching it. And at this point, I was still a little shaky in my testimony, not on solid ground at all. But then Sister Messervy asked if I could go out with them, to visit a few people, because, she said, "You know things!" She was so excited about what I knew about the Gospel... And I realised that I was excited about it too! And I knew it was true! There's so much more I could say about her... She's super sweet, very funny, open and caring... And, again, she's so pumped to be a missionary and to share the Gospel. I just love it!
Last, but not least, Sister Flores. She's only been here for one transfer, since just before Thanksgiving, which is really not long enough, so I'm super bummed out that she's getting transferred too... :( Sister Flores is quiet and peaceful, content to kinda just watch everyone else make the noise and participate in the conversation... But her testimony is so strong, and I can tell that she knows who she is. And even though I'm mostly on solid ground with my faith now, have been pretty much the whole time she's been here, here testimony is still an inspiration to me, and she's such an amazing example to me. I'm going to miss her.
I just, love the missionaries a LOT. I'm so grateful we've gotten to know them and to spend time with them!
Because, you know, I look at the missionaries, and they're young people, not much older than me, and they're so on fire with the Gospel, and their testimonies just light up their lives. And I love that about them, and I love being around them because it rubs off! It's so easy to get excited about the Gospel and about sharing it when you spend a lot of time with the missionaries! And I want to be like that! I want to just radiate light the way that they do! They've been such a huge force in helping me get back on the right track and honestly I don't like to think of where I'd be if they weren't so heavily involved in my family's life since this last summer. Missionaries are the best people!
Speaking of missions... 20 months until I can go on mine. So yeah! :D
First, we have Elder Miller and Elder Hayes. Elder Miller has been here forever (like, eight months or some crazy thing like that) and Elder Hayes has been here for about four. We've had them over for dinner quite a few times, and they're just awesome people.
And then there's Sister Messervy and Sister Flores. Sister Messervy has been here just longer than Elder Hayes, and Sister Flores has only been here for one transfer. We've had them over a bunch too... Actually, we usually have all the missionaries over at once, because it's just more fun that way! And the sisters are fantastic people too.
Tragically, however, it's time for another transfer, and Elder Hayes and Sister Flores are being relocated. It makes me sad, because I honestly love these missionaries- but at the same time, I know they'll be where the Lord needs them to be, and whoever gets transferred over here... Well, I'll end up loving them too.
But I just want to talk about the missionaries.
Elder Miller is quiet, a little more willing to let his companion talk, but his testimony is so strong and so inspiring. Like, the other day, we had the missionaries over for dinner and family home evening, and we read 1 Nephi 11:8-22, and then he made a comment about wanting to read verse 17. So we worked it out so he could. This section is talking about God, and verse 17 says, "And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things." Elder Miller is like that- the little moments, like a verse of scripture that he really likes, are what stand out about him. But at that moment, that scripture pierced my soul.
What an incredible thought, that even if we don't know all things, we know that God loves his children. He loves us! We are that important!
And, the more times we've had the Elders over, the more comfortable Elder Miller has gotten around us... We tease and joke and laugh and play games, tell stories and just have a good time. But it's his testimony that just stands out to me so much. He's been here pretty much since I realised I didn't really have a testimony anymore and set out to find if the Church was true for myself. Of course, I've never told him, but as we've had the missionaries around, he's helped me find my faith and my testimony again. He's so fired up about the Gospel, about missionary work, and his testimony is inspiring. In fact, this is slated to be his last transfer, six more weeks and then he's home, but he's made comments that he'd like to extend. Elder Miller is a pretty cool dude.
Elder Hayes is also a pretty cool dude, but in a different way. He's loud and outspoken, with a bit of a brash sense of humour. But he's super into missionary work, and very excited about the Gospel.
Fact: every conversation with Elder Hayes ends up being about Jesus.
It doesn't matter what you're talking about-it could be popsicles- and Elder Hayes will say, "And here's how that relates to Jesus:" and then he'll tell you. Sometimes maybe it's a bit of a stretch, but when we tease him about it, he just says that everything really does relate to Jesus. That's what it's all about. And he's right.
We're here to learn and grow, to make mistakes and become better... And we can do all of that because of Heavenly Father and Jesus, and the Plan of Salvation, and the atonement. It all leads back to Jesus, every time. Elder Haye's testimony has been inspiring to me, in my journey back to finding my faith. So I'm super bummed out that he's getting transferred.
And, of course, there's the sisters. I love them, dearly! Sister Messervy has been such a pillar for me to lean on, as I was finding my way back to the light. The one incident that stands out the most with her was one time when we had the missionaries over for dinner, and then we were having a mock discussion... I was teaching it. And at this point, I was still a little shaky in my testimony, not on solid ground at all. But then Sister Messervy asked if I could go out with them, to visit a few people, because, she said, "You know things!" She was so excited about what I knew about the Gospel... And I realised that I was excited about it too! And I knew it was true! There's so much more I could say about her... She's super sweet, very funny, open and caring... And, again, she's so pumped to be a missionary and to share the Gospel. I just love it!
Last, but not least, Sister Flores. She's only been here for one transfer, since just before Thanksgiving, which is really not long enough, so I'm super bummed out that she's getting transferred too... :( Sister Flores is quiet and peaceful, content to kinda just watch everyone else make the noise and participate in the conversation... But her testimony is so strong, and I can tell that she knows who she is. And even though I'm mostly on solid ground with my faith now, have been pretty much the whole time she's been here, here testimony is still an inspiration to me, and she's such an amazing example to me. I'm going to miss her.
I just, love the missionaries a LOT. I'm so grateful we've gotten to know them and to spend time with them!
Because, you know, I look at the missionaries, and they're young people, not much older than me, and they're so on fire with the Gospel, and their testimonies just light up their lives. And I love that about them, and I love being around them because it rubs off! It's so easy to get excited about the Gospel and about sharing it when you spend a lot of time with the missionaries! And I want to be like that! I want to just radiate light the way that they do! They've been such a huge force in helping me get back on the right track and honestly I don't like to think of where I'd be if they weren't so heavily involved in my family's life since this last summer. Missionaries are the best people!
Speaking of missions... 20 months until I can go on mine. So yeah! :D
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Just January 2nd, Everyone...
Today's been a bit weird for me...
Just kicking around. Chillin'. School's still out, you know. So I haven't got much to do.
Except for that I can't help thinking about one year ago today. And wowza, one year has flown by.
One year ago, I had a day pretty much just like this one. Until I got on Facebook that evening to see posts from friends back where I used to live, Podunk Tinytown, saying that the band had lost a great member and asking everyone to wear best dress in his honour the next day.
His name was Rory. He was a friend of mine. And he'd committed suicide. He was sixteen.
I texted my best friend, Tak, frantically telling him that he couldn't die anytime in the near future, told him why I was freaking out... I don't remember what he said. Just that it helped. I cried on my older brother's shoulder for ten minutes, while he rubbed my back and just talked to me... And I cried myself to sleep that night, seriously grateful that I didn't have school in the morning.
And I don't know why Rory did it, but I know he left a little farming community and one girl the next state over reeling.
January was not a good month for me.
I had a hard time dealing with his death, because nobody knew him. I couldn't talk to anybody. And it almost didn't seem real, because I didn't have to deal with his absence every day.
I went to the funeral the next week, missed a day of school for it. My mom and older brother went with me, Mom for support, my brother because he was friends with Rory's brother. On our drive out there (242 miles of desert), it was really foggy... And I commented that it looked like when the graphics on a video game wouldn't load. And my brother made a joke "Reality is having a hard time rendering today." Which was funny, until I realised how perfectly it applied. That drive was also the first time I heard the song 'Two Black Cadillacs' by Carrie Underwood; I still don't listen to it.
So we got to the church... And I walked in to the room where the casket was. And suddenly it was real. That was my friend. Lying in that casket. He was gone. And then, we walked up to his family, and his mom knew my name. I'd moved away almost two years earlier, and I didn't recall ever being formally introduced to her. But she knew my name. That got me.
I walked out of that room and burst into tears on the shoulder of one of my best friends from Podunk, Spo. I sat by her and Rab and a few of our other friends during the service. That was hard. It was honestly the worst reason I ever could have had to go back to visit.
I had a hard time dealing with it, back at home... Talked to Spo a lot, which helped. And my good friends here knew... A bit after, Ael asked me exactly how close I'd been to him.
And I had trouble explaining it to her... But I've moved a lot. And for me, when I move, it feels like everything goes on pause, like I could go right back and pick up where I left off with my friends and nothing would have changed... And Rory wasn't one of my best friends... But I met him in the sixth grade, and we were in the same group- I loved the kid. He was quiet but hilarious, with the biggest imagination, and the biggest heart. The thing is, for me, it felt like I could go back and still be chill with him, and there was also the potential that we could've become better friends. So it was hard for me to lose him. I didn't explain that very well to Ael. So.
I was an emotional wreck. But, music is a huge deal to me, and a saving grace. Two songs that helped me immensely were 'Every Storm' by Gary Allen, which had just come out, and 'A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief'-- "peace bound up my broken heart".
A few other songs since are 'I Drive Your Truck' by Lee Brice and 'Drink a Beer' by Luke Bryan- although I don't agree with the drinking, it's an amazing song.
The only thing that really got me through the whole trauma, though, was the Gospel. I know there's a chance I'll see him again. I know this world isn't the end of everything. And I know that we don't have all the answers... There's a great article by M. Russell Ballard that ran in the Ensign a few years back and that's been turned into a little book- "Suicide: Some Things We Know , and Some We Do Not." There are so many inspiring thoughts found in there, and so much comfort. Without my testimony of the next life and forgiveness, the atonement, and Christ's love, I don't know if I could have ever dealt with it.
Some days it still gets me.
But I'll be ok.
But yeah. Today was odd.
Just kicking around. Chillin'. School's still out, you know. So I haven't got much to do.
Except for that I can't help thinking about one year ago today. And wowza, one year has flown by.
One year ago, I had a day pretty much just like this one. Until I got on Facebook that evening to see posts from friends back where I used to live, Podunk Tinytown, saying that the band had lost a great member and asking everyone to wear best dress in his honour the next day.
His name was Rory. He was a friend of mine. And he'd committed suicide. He was sixteen.
I texted my best friend, Tak, frantically telling him that he couldn't die anytime in the near future, told him why I was freaking out... I don't remember what he said. Just that it helped. I cried on my older brother's shoulder for ten minutes, while he rubbed my back and just talked to me... And I cried myself to sleep that night, seriously grateful that I didn't have school in the morning.
And I don't know why Rory did it, but I know he left a little farming community and one girl the next state over reeling.
January was not a good month for me.
I had a hard time dealing with his death, because nobody knew him. I couldn't talk to anybody. And it almost didn't seem real, because I didn't have to deal with his absence every day.
I went to the funeral the next week, missed a day of school for it. My mom and older brother went with me, Mom for support, my brother because he was friends with Rory's brother. On our drive out there (242 miles of desert), it was really foggy... And I commented that it looked like when the graphics on a video game wouldn't load. And my brother made a joke "Reality is having a hard time rendering today." Which was funny, until I realised how perfectly it applied. That drive was also the first time I heard the song 'Two Black Cadillacs' by Carrie Underwood; I still don't listen to it.
So we got to the church... And I walked in to the room where the casket was. And suddenly it was real. That was my friend. Lying in that casket. He was gone. And then, we walked up to his family, and his mom knew my name. I'd moved away almost two years earlier, and I didn't recall ever being formally introduced to her. But she knew my name. That got me.
I walked out of that room and burst into tears on the shoulder of one of my best friends from Podunk, Spo. I sat by her and Rab and a few of our other friends during the service. That was hard. It was honestly the worst reason I ever could have had to go back to visit.
I had a hard time dealing with it, back at home... Talked to Spo a lot, which helped. And my good friends here knew... A bit after, Ael asked me exactly how close I'd been to him.
And I had trouble explaining it to her... But I've moved a lot. And for me, when I move, it feels like everything goes on pause, like I could go right back and pick up where I left off with my friends and nothing would have changed... And Rory wasn't one of my best friends... But I met him in the sixth grade, and we were in the same group- I loved the kid. He was quiet but hilarious, with the biggest imagination, and the biggest heart. The thing is, for me, it felt like I could go back and still be chill with him, and there was also the potential that we could've become better friends. So it was hard for me to lose him. I didn't explain that very well to Ael. So.
I was an emotional wreck. But, music is a huge deal to me, and a saving grace. Two songs that helped me immensely were 'Every Storm' by Gary Allen, which had just come out, and 'A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief'-- "peace bound up my broken heart".
A few other songs since are 'I Drive Your Truck' by Lee Brice and 'Drink a Beer' by Luke Bryan- although I don't agree with the drinking, it's an amazing song.
The only thing that really got me through the whole trauma, though, was the Gospel. I know there's a chance I'll see him again. I know this world isn't the end of everything. And I know that we don't have all the answers... There's a great article by M. Russell Ballard that ran in the Ensign a few years back and that's been turned into a little book- "Suicide: Some Things We Know , and Some We Do Not." There are so many inspiring thoughts found in there, and so much comfort. Without my testimony of the next life and forgiveness, the atonement, and Christ's love, I don't know if I could have ever dealt with it.
Some days it still gets me.
But I'll be ok.
But yeah. Today was odd.
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