Soulmate AU

Well, this is gonna be an abrupt change from the last post, but I'm such a disaster I have to talk about it. But FIRST a little background.

Mel and Est and I have been talking about Soulmate AUs lately (AU= alternate universe). It's ideas about worlds where you have a soulmate and something indicates that. For example:

-A tattoo of each others’ names on their wrist/palm/etc

-A tattoo of each others’ first words to one another

-A timer for when they shall first meet

-See colour for the first time when you meet, fades away when they die

- You stop aging at a certain age, until you meet your soulmate and grow old together.

- Songs sung by your soulmate is stuck in your head. 

-Whenever you lose an item (like a sock), it ends up in your soulmates’ possession somehow 

- Everyone receives a special accessory (hat, watch, necklace, bracelet, etc) that is exactly alike with their soulmate. Many people, when they meet their soulmate, like to swap theirs with the other. 

- If you haven’t met your soulmate but have been in the same vicinity of each other (like passing each other on a street or in the same building), that day will keep repeating until you find each other. 

Just things like that. We've been talking about them. That sets the scene for me today.

Time: 5:40

Place: the line for Chick-Fil-A

I have a class at 6 with my big brother, and I decided to buy us chocolate shakes before I get there. So I'm in line, headphones in, JAMMING out to "This Is Me" from The Greatest Showman OST (aside, this movie comes out in December and I AM SO STOKED FOR IT), and a person comes up behind me in the line. I can tell that I've been noticed (like, you know that feeling, when you're aware that another human is aware of you?), but I'm casually jammin' and about to order, so I don't do anything.

Well, fast forward approximately 45 seconds and I've ordered and he's ordered and then he starts talking to me- a silly debate about whether waiting for food or finishing food is worse, and we discussed the merits of Chick-Fil-A, and meanwhile my internal panic is slowly increasing because this guy is CUTE and he's talking to me and joking with me and WHAT, we trade names, he asks me what I'm doing at BYU (snarky me wanted to say, umm, studying?), I say planning on going into music ed, it's my first semester, so I'm still figuring life out, he goes, Oh, wow, first semester, welcome to BYU then! even though it's-wait is it December, it feels like December- and I'm laughing, no it's November, don't make it December yet!

And then they called my name up at the counter, I went up and got my food and legit SCURRIED away, saying, it was nice to meet you and panicking all the while.

And I mean bigtime. Stomach in knots. Hyperventilating. Took me like 15 minutes to calm down. But I still get butterflies if I think about it again.

Maybe I'm just bad at social. Probably I am bad at social. BUT THEN THERE'S THIS CRAZY PART OF ME

That's like, I should've chatted a minute longer, hung out for a second, asked him what he's doing, we could've talked about missions, it was an easy conversation and LIKE WHAT IF HE WAS MY SOULMATE AND I JUST RUINED IT.

Listen,

I don't believe in one single destined soulmate.

It's just all this talk of soulmate AUs has been running around, and I think it's getting to me.

Also, he made me laugh. Which was nice.

I'm a disaster.

Why Am I Even Awake?

It's three a.m. and I'm awake keeping my sister company. I was helping her work on this project, but now there's nothing for me to do... And I'm just AWAKE. Solidarity, I guess.

Seminary starts at 6:15.

I'm going to be SO tired later. It's going to be SO BAD.

I mean, I guess I'm still offering opinions and helpful things like that.

But really. There's not a point in my awakeness.

And the best part is this:

I've never pulled an all-nighter for myself, in all of high school.

WHY AM I AWAKE??

Love.

And a good dose of teenage stupid.

I Wrote a Thing... :]

THE FIRST PAGE

     When I open up a book and I flip through the pages, I get to know its weight and its feel and I dive in, reading myself into a new world. Often, I find myself falling in love with a character, wishing I could write him out of the book into reality... Rarely, I fall in love with a book itself, and every time I pick it up, it's like greeting a long-lost friend.

     And sometimes, I will fall in love with a book on the very first page. There's only one thing that causes this: writing that is artwork, beautiful and perfect- well, not perfect, because art is not meant to be perfect but meant to make you feel something- writing that wraps around my soul, fills the crevices in my heart, fills me with emotion, takes my breath away.

     I fell in love with you on the first page. Whoever wrote you knew what they were doing when they put that sparkle in your sky blue eyes, when they wrote music into your voice, when they gave a sense of humour to the most intelligent, passionate person I'd ever met. Whoever wrote you made an absolute masterpiece out of what could have been another awkward teenager, but instead turned out to be a piece of solid ground for two years of my life, a safe place when I was shattered, a perfect understanding when I needed it, a hand in mine.

     I fell in love with you on the first page, when I saw how loyal and dependable you were to your friends, how quick to defend the ones you love. When I saw how excited you get about the details in a book or a movie, how you notice all the little things about places and people. When I heard you talking about music, and I knew your heart would understand mine. Yes, with you, I fell in love on the first page.

     And some books, I find myself being drawn into, slowly, inexorably, until- something snaps. It may be that the author breaks the laws of their own universe, or writes an ending that, however critically acclaimed, I find disappointing or upsetting in all the wrong ways, or they ruin a character. Books like that, I never pick up again. I was afraid you would become one of those- but whoever wrote you knew what they were doing. Yes, you had flaws and failings, but doesn't every hero? Whoever wrote you knew that it's ok for a person to be angry or make mistakes, but they knew that you can always become a better person. And so, you drew me in, farther and farther- and you never broke the laws of your own universe.

     I fell in love with you on the first page, and I couldn't help hoping you'd be like one of those books that I keep around forever, that's always there on my shelf, the book that knows my soul because I've screamed and thrown things and cried and laughed and celebrated over its pages, the books that mean more to me than almost anything in the world. And whoever wrote you know what they were doing, because for a while, you were. You cheered for my accomplishments and held me when I cried and you made me laugh, all the time you were there. Yes, you were one of the books I could keep around forever, and I fell in love with you on the first page.

      Books like that, though, are the most exquisite kind of torture, because, despite how wonderful they are, there are moments when they tear me to pieces, or break my heart. And with some, I end up sobbing... But they're so beautiful, all the moments of despair combined with those of elation. You were one of those. I fell in love with you on the first page, but there were moments when I thought you'd never see me the way I saw you, the times I encouraged you with other people because they made you happy, the times when I just held my feelings in, and it all just broke my heart. And there were times my heart broke for you, when you argued with your parents, couldn't help a friend, didn't know what to do. But whoever wrote you knew what they were doing, because with all that, they wrote the golden moments that made it all worth it, all the laughter and carefree easiness, the times you said you didn't know what you'd do without me, the beautiful friendship we had... And it eventually developed into something more, and for a little while it wasn't your story or my story, it was our story. But then... It had to come to an end, and that was when I ended up sobbing, even though I'd fallen in love with you on the first page.

     There are books that I read once, and I love them, but I never find them again. They lurk in the shadows of my memory, bringing sorrow because I've lost them forever. After our story ended, I was afraid you'd become one of those, and it just seemed like a waste of such a friendship, an absolute tragedy, especially since I'd fallen in love on the first page.

     But whoever wrote you knew what they were doing, because that didn't happen. Instead, you became the well-loved book that I rediscover every once in a while, taking it out and turning the pages, reliving the adventures- even the parts that broke my heart- through a haze of happiness, because all ends well. It's not our story anymore, but my story and your story still meet sometimes, and so the memories are cherished. You're the well-loved, old friend of a book who I only read every once in a while, and that is alright. Yes, whoever wrote you knew what they were doing.

      And so, I fell in love with you on the first page.

     But that was a long time ago. :]

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Yep. That's a thing I wrote. It's about Tak and me. And basically, that is the progression of our relationship, from friends to more and back to friends, and how I feel about it. It's all good. Life is chill, and everything in that arena is alright. :]

Books.

So, I have a problem. I get really attached to characters in books, and I get really upset on their behalf. Also excited. And basically everything else. Pretty much, I don't need a life because I live in fiction, in ink and pages.

You think I'm kidding, but I'm not.

I have a list of fictional characters that I'm in love with. I mean, I've written it down and everything- in no specific order, but I've done it. And it just keeps getting longer.

Classic case? The Bartimaeus Trilogy, by Jonathon Stroud. I've been in love with Nathaniel for... at least five years. And every time I reread the series, I fall for him again. Also, Kitty and Bartimaeus are all SORTS of awesome, a kick-butt girl and a smart-aleck djinni. EPIC. And OHMYGOODNESS. The ending of the series is SO perfect, but I honestly cried for two hours the first time I read it, and have cried every time since then. Absolutely fantastic books, though.

Recent offender? The Fault In Our Stars, by John Green. I discovered this book yesterday and devoured it, finished today. It's GORGEOUS, and it really makes you think about a lot of things, but it's also totally a tear-jerker. But then, it is a book about teen cancer patients, and life, and love, and everything. It's AMAZING. And Augustus Waters has been added to The List, totally. He's ADORABLE. But yeah, definitely a book I cried over. And will if-- actually, when, I read it again.

I'm honestly trying to figure out why it is that I get so attached to fictional people, why I can absolutely get lost in the world of a book and wish I could be there. In the meantime, if you care to join me, this is The List.

It's not complete. And it's not in order. And it's not even all the books I love. Just the characters I'm in love with from some of them. But all of these books are excellent!

THE LIST

Peter Pevensie------The Chronicles of Narnia, C.S. Lewis
Edmund Pevensie
Prince Caspian
Nathaniel------------The Bartimaeus Trilogy, Jonathon Stroud
Oskan---------------The Icemark Trilogy, Stuart Hale
Charlemagne
Gilbert Blythe-------The Anne of Green Gables Series, L.M. Montgomery
Walter Blythe
Jem Blythe
Ken Ford
Corlath--------------The Blue Sword, Robin McKinley
Geric----------------The Books of Bayern, Shannon Hale
Finn
Razo
Conrad
Howl-----------------Howl's Moving Castle series, Diana Wynne Jones
Michael
Abdullah
Peter
Ron Weasley---------The Harry Potter series, J.K. Rowling
Neville Longbottom
Viktor Krum
Twig-----------------The Edge Chronicles, Paul Steward and Chris Riddell
Quint
Rook
Nate
Peder----------------The Princess Academy, Shannon Hale
Steffan
Nico Di Angelo--------The Percy Jackson Series, Rick Riordan
Leo Valdez
Frank Zhang
Percy Jackson
Jason Grace
Magnus Bane---------The Mortal Instruments series, Cassandra Clare
Jace Wayland
Simon Lewis
Augustus Waters-----The Fault In Our Stars, John Green


Ummm.... That's about all for now. But yeah. If you don't read, you SHOULD. Books are magic!

People Moving On?

So, I just have to talk about the missionaries. I talked about them in my Christmas post, but I have to say more, because they are very dear to me.

First, we have Elder Miller and Elder Hayes. Elder Miller has been here forever (like, eight months or some crazy thing like that) and Elder Hayes has been here for about four. We've had them over for dinner quite a few times, and they're just awesome people.

And then there's Sister Messervy and Sister Flores. Sister Messervy has been here just longer than Elder Hayes, and Sister Flores has only been here for one transfer. We've had them over a bunch too... Actually, we usually have all the missionaries over at once, because it's just more fun that way! And the sisters are fantastic people too.

Tragically, however, it's time for another transfer, and Elder Hayes and Sister Flores are being relocated. It makes me sad, because I honestly love these missionaries- but at the same time, I know they'll be where the Lord needs them to be, and whoever gets transferred over here... Well, I'll end up loving them too.

But I just want to talk about the missionaries.

Elder Miller is quiet, a little more willing to let his companion talk, but his testimony is so strong and so inspiring. Like, the other day, we had the missionaries over for dinner and family home evening, and we read 1 Nephi 11:8-22, and then he made a comment about wanting to read verse 17. So we worked it out so he could. This section is talking about God, and verse 17 says, "And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things." Elder Miller is like that- the little moments, like a verse of scripture that he really likes, are what stand out about him. But at that moment, that scripture pierced my soul.

What an incredible thought, that even if we don't know all things, we know that God loves his children. He loves us! We are that important!

And, the more times we've had the Elders over, the more comfortable Elder Miller has gotten around us... We tease and joke and laugh and play games, tell stories and just have a good time. But it's his testimony that just stands out to me so much. He's been here pretty much since I realised I didn't really have a testimony anymore and set out to find if the Church was true for myself. Of course, I've never told him, but as we've had the missionaries around, he's helped me find my faith and my testimony again. He's so fired up about the Gospel, about missionary work, and his testimony is inspiring. In fact, this is slated to be his last transfer, six more weeks and then he's home, but he's made comments that he'd like to extend. Elder Miller is a pretty cool dude.

Elder Hayes is also a pretty cool dude, but in a different way. He's loud and outspoken, with a bit of a brash sense of humour. But he's super into missionary work, and very excited about the Gospel.
Fact: every conversation with Elder Hayes ends up being about Jesus.
It doesn't matter what you're talking about-it could be popsicles- and Elder Hayes will say, "And here's how that relates to Jesus:" and then he'll tell you. Sometimes maybe it's a bit of a stretch, but when we tease him about it, he just says that everything really does relate to Jesus. That's what it's all about. And he's right.

We're here to learn and grow, to make mistakes and become better... And we can do all of that because of Heavenly Father and Jesus, and the Plan of Salvation, and the atonement. It all leads back to Jesus, every time. Elder Haye's testimony has been inspiring to me, in my journey back to finding my faith. So I'm super bummed out that he's getting transferred.

And, of course, there's the sisters. I love them, dearly! Sister Messervy has been such a pillar for me to lean on, as I was finding my way back to the light. The one incident that stands out the most with her was one time when we had the missionaries over for dinner, and then we were having a mock discussion... I was teaching it. And at this point, I was still a little shaky in my testimony, not on solid ground at all. But then Sister Messervy asked if I could go out with them, to visit a few people, because, she said, "You know things!" She was so excited about what I knew about the Gospel... And I realised that I was excited about it too! And I knew it was true! There's so much more I could say about her... She's super sweet, very funny, open and caring... And, again, she's so pumped to be a missionary and to share the Gospel. I just love it!

Last, but not least, Sister Flores. She's only been here for one transfer, since just before Thanksgiving, which is really not long enough, so I'm super bummed out that she's getting transferred too... :( Sister Flores is quiet and peaceful, content to kinda just watch everyone else make the noise and participate in the conversation... But her testimony is so strong, and I can tell that she knows who she is. And even though I'm mostly on solid ground with my faith now, have been pretty much the whole time she's been here, here testimony is still an inspiration to me, and she's such an amazing example to me. I'm going to miss her.

I just, love the missionaries a LOT. I'm so grateful we've gotten to know them and to spend time with them!

Because, you know, I look at the missionaries, and they're young people, not much older than me, and they're so on fire with the Gospel, and their testimonies just light up their lives. And I love that about them, and I love being around them because it rubs off! It's so easy to get excited about the Gospel and about sharing it when you spend a lot of time with the missionaries! And I want to be like that! I want to just radiate light the way that they do! They've been such a huge force in helping me get back on the right track and honestly I don't like to think of where I'd be if they weren't so heavily involved in my family's life since this last summer. Missionaries are the best people!

Speaking of missions... 20 months until I can go on mine. So yeah! :D

Just January 2nd, Everyone...

Today's been a bit weird for me...

Just kicking around. Chillin'. School's still out, you know. So I haven't got much to do.

Except for that I can't help thinking about one year ago today. And wowza, one year has flown by.

One year ago, I had a day pretty much just like this one. Until I got on Facebook that evening to see posts from friends back where I used to live, Podunk Tinytown, saying that the band had lost a great member and asking everyone to wear best dress in his honour the next day.

His name was Rory. He was a friend of mine. And he'd committed suicide. He was sixteen.

I texted my best friend, Tak, frantically telling him that he couldn't die anytime in the near future, told him why I was freaking out... I don't remember what he said. Just that it helped. I cried on my older brother's shoulder for ten minutes, while he rubbed my back and just talked to me... And I cried myself to sleep that night, seriously grateful that I didn't have school in the morning.

And I don't know why Rory did it, but I know he left a little farming community and one girl the next state over reeling.

January was not a good month for me.

I had a hard time dealing with his death, because nobody knew him. I couldn't talk to anybody. And it almost didn't seem real, because I didn't have to deal with his absence every day.

I went to the funeral the next week, missed a day of school for it. My mom and older brother went with me, Mom for support, my brother because he was friends with Rory's brother. On our drive out there (242 miles of desert), it was really foggy... And I commented that it looked like when the graphics on a video game wouldn't load. And my brother made a joke "Reality is having a hard time rendering today." Which was funny, until I realised how perfectly it applied. That drive was also the first time I heard the song 'Two Black Cadillacs' by Carrie Underwood; I still don't listen to it.

So we got to the church... And I walked in to the room where the casket was. And suddenly it was real. That was my friend. Lying in that casket. He was gone. And then, we walked up to his family, and his mom knew my name. I'd moved away almost two years earlier, and I didn't recall ever being formally introduced to her. But she knew my name. That got me.

I walked out of that room and burst into tears on the shoulder of one of my best friends from Podunk, Spo. I sat by her and Rab and a few of our other friends during the service. That was hard. It was honestly the worst reason I ever could have had to go back to visit.

I had a hard time dealing with it, back at home... Talked to Spo a lot, which helped. And my good friends here knew... A bit after, Ael asked me exactly how close I'd been to him.

And I had trouble explaining it to her... But I've moved a lot. And for me, when I move, it feels like everything goes on pause, like I could go right back and pick up where I left off with my friends and nothing would have changed... And Rory wasn't one of my best friends... But I met him in the sixth grade, and we were in the same group- I loved the kid. He was quiet but hilarious, with the biggest imagination, and the biggest heart. The thing is, for me, it felt like I could go back and still be chill with him, and there was also the potential that we could've become better friends. So it was hard for me to lose him. I didn't explain that very well to Ael. So.

 I was an emotional wreck. But, music is a huge deal to me, and a saving grace. Two songs that helped me immensely were 'Every Storm' by Gary Allen, which had just come out, and 'A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief'-- "peace bound up my broken heart".

A few other songs since are 'I Drive Your Truck' by Lee Brice and 'Drink a Beer' by Luke Bryan- although I don't agree with the drinking, it's an amazing song.

The only thing that really got me through the whole trauma, though, was the Gospel. I know there's a chance I'll see him again. I know this world isn't the end of everything. And I know that we don't have all the answers... There's a great article by M. Russell Ballard that ran in the Ensign a few years back and that's been turned into a little book- "Suicide: Some Things We Know , and Some We Do Not." There are so many inspiring thoughts found in there, and so much comfort. Without my testimony of the next life and forgiveness, the atonement, and Christ's love, I don't know if I could have ever dealt with it.

Some days it still gets me.

But I'll be ok.

But yeah. Today was odd.