Annnnnnnd I'm Back

How many times am I going to post about how bad at this I am?

These last few months have been rough. I haven't been motivated to do anything. I have been falling behind in all my classes. I haven't been reading my scriptures. I sleep through sacrament meeting. I will blame that on the time (1:30 is naptime, okay?). I haven't wanted to do ANYTHING.

But I am doing better.

I've been praying. I've been trying to come back.

And conference happened and it was amazing. And then I wrote this poem for this project for my religion class, and reading it back over, it hit me to the heart that this is true and that I'm where I ought to be.

I still have a lot of work to do. But I'm happier than I have been in a long time. So, for your enjoyment, nonexistent readers, here is this poem I wrote that is currently everything to me. It's not a good poem, technically. It's not well-executed and the metre is a disaster. But it's everything to me.

It's all true. And God loves me.

Truth

Look at these truths that I know
All that has been restored 
Now in these latter days
In the glory of the Lord

There's much I don't understand
And much that I've yet to learn
But firm in this faith I stand 
As I feel my spirit burn

I know that God exists
Because a young man said a prayer 
And in a brilliant answer
God and His Son were there

I know that God exists
I've seen His hand in my life
And when I needed help
He saved me every single time

I know about my Saviour
Of His mission and His life 
And the plan of salvation
That sets everything aright

I know about my Saviour 
From the Book of Mormon's words
That He came to all His people
Here and on other worlds

I've learned of the atonement 
Of salvation and of grace
I cannot comprehend them
But I know that they're in place

That through Christ's great atonement
Comes salvation through God's grace
And that one day, the plan fulfilled
I'll see Him face to face

And it will not be a meeting
Between some unknown god and me
But instead come with the feeling
That I'm where I'm meant to be

For when I say Heavenly Father

The words are literal and true

I know that I'm His daughter

This was restored too

A child of the divine

In a family eternal

Because the bonds that we make here on earth

Are far more than superficial

This truth came through the prophet

Through that young man who had prayed

Who was called to lay the foundation

Of this work in these last days

It's through God's holy priesthood

Eternal promises are sealed

On the Susquehannah and in Kirtland

These keys were once again revealed

The authority to baptise

Heal the sick and raise the dead

To call down blessings from on high

Is on the earth again

And the authority to bind

On earth and in heaven

To seal families for all time

O wondrous truth is given!

And all these things I know

And I know what I one day will see

A child of Heavenly Parents

As they are, I too will be

So many truths restored

Since that day in 1820

All that means so much to me

What shapes my eternity

And I know all of this is true

Although I wasn't there

Because I have felt my spirit burning

Because God has heard my prayer

19 Years Go By So Quickly

Yeah. It's my birthday. 19 today. (mission, here I come!)
And I just feel retrospective, and I'm going to post some things about myself. (there were going to be 19 originally, but I started this post way too late. so I've got like 10. oh well.)  Things I love, things I've learned, things I'd like to leave behind.... So here we go.

love- READING. I've always been a reader, as long as I can remember. I've lived thousands of lives and been to a million places and books have saved me and inspired me and amazed me and I absolutely love them. The Chronicles of Narnia. The Harry Potter Series. The Books of Bayern. The Cry of the Icemark. The Bartimaeus Trilogy. The Percy Jackson Series. Just to name a few.  I grew up in worlds of ink and paper, with my dad reading us stories and bringing words to life. Reading is amazing.

learn- What other people think doesn't matter. And I don't mean ignore your parents or your very best friend's good advice. What I mean is, it doesn't matter if the girl in your class thinks your pants aren't cute enough or if the boy doesn't laugh at your jokes or if your hair/face/laugh/thing you love/hobby isn't fashionable or whatever else. If you spend your time worrying about pleasing others, it is far too easy to lose yourself in the disaster that high school and society can be. You're the only person who lives with you 100% of every day, and you need to be okay with who you are. And who you are is brilliant and bright.

leave- Insecurity. Because of what I just talked about, I've also realised that insecurity is something I can live without. Yes, it's scary to talk in front of people, and I'm nervous about singing or performing or auditions, and sometimes I may not like the way I look. But letting insecurity eat away at my love for myself is never worth it.

love- MUSIC. I've been singing for as long as I can remember, playing piano since second grade, bassoon since sixth, saxophone since ninth, writing music/songs since eighth grade. And music is a wonder. Ink on a page and creations of wood and metal can change moods, break hearts or mend them, hurt and heal. Music expresses what words cannot, and it is miraculous.

learn- It's okay to be weird. I spent ridiculous amounts of time in high school trying to be less weird than I thought I was. But ya know what? It's beautiful to be passionate about something, whether that's cars or Broadway or painting or calculus. There's no need to shave off the ragged edges of your weirdness, because that's what sets you apart from everyone else, what makes you powerful, worth talking to. Love the thing you love, do that thing you do, and know that you will be all the more interesting because of that. No one ever made history who wasn't called weird at some point.

leave- Toxic people. There are times when you may meet someone who brings you down- they guilt trip you or make you feel bad about yourself, they make you doubt yourself and your abilities, they make you question your worth. Don't let those people take up your time and eat away at your soul. Surround yourself with those who bring you up and encourage you and make you feel valuable and wonderful, because YOU ARE.

love- WRITING. Well, if you've been reading this, you know I write poetry, songs, words. There is something incredibly therapeutic about watching my soul come to life on a paper, organised and beautiful. And writing has been an incredible outlet for me, when I've been sad, lonely, happy, excited, angry, confused... Words are magical.

learn- Life is scary and hard and wonderful. Take chances. There will always be things you can't plan for, and unexpected events, but if you never try, you'll never succeed at anything. You will never know how much you may love something if you don't give it ago, and you will never know how much someone may mean to you if you never say hello. Don't let the things you're afraid of stop you from living.

leave- Unnecessary worry. If you can't change it, don't let it ruin your life. Make the changes you can, but accept that it may rain. Bring your umbrella, and enjoy it. Don't let tiny stresses take the joy out of life.

last, but not least- The Gospel is true and God loves you. That's it. That's the most important thing. I've had times of doubt and been lost, during high school. But the Gospel of Christ always ended up being the only thing that made any sense. And it always will. He will always be there, because He loves you.

Yeah. I guess I've grown up, some. Let's see the next 19?

RandomSauce

Welp... It's been a while. RandomSauce- I'm gonna dump and catch y'all up.
Last Thursday, I went to my old school's graduation, in Podunk.
Then Friday, I graduated in Myneton.
Saturday, Rle and I had our party- it was great fun, and a whole bunch of people came, Tak included.
Sunday, Rip got the Melchizedek priesthood (he leaves for a mission on July 8) and his eagles scout, which was a pretty cool day.
Monday, I started work out at one of the mines (there are SEVERAL. I'm not calling this Myneton for nothing.). I have a summer job there... and it's gonna be LONG hours, but it pays great. So, that's cool.

Then, and here's the real random story, I came home from work Monday, and our front door was open, because it's SO HOT, and through the screen door, I can hear my little brother and my sister talking, quite enthusiastically. I'm confused as to who they're talking to... I walk in, and I see them, with my mom, taking to... A lumberjack? Some random bearded guy, in a red flannel shirt? Double take, and it's Elder Hayes! He got home from his mission in December, and he's living here in Myneton for the summer, working a job that a family he met on the mission set up for him. So anyway, Hayes (which is what we ended up calling him because first name felt odd and Elder wasn't right either...) served in our ward for about five months, and he's totally best friends with our family (him and Elder Miller together), so he thought he'd stop in.
He was probably at our house for like three hours, including dinner. It was great. He's a funny guy, and it was fun to see him.

Although I was having a weird moment about it... Like, I thought he was rather attractive when he served in our ward, but missionaries exist in this bubble of untouchableness for me, so I never considered it. Well, Monday, when he was sitting in our living room, he was definitely attractive. WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD.
Although I did write a pretty poem about it... It's sort of true, and sort of dramatic:

The taste of your name
Is unfamiliar on my lips
But, darling, I think I like it
The smile on your face
That easy, cheerful grin
Is just how I remembered it
The gleam in your eyes
As we talk and tell jokes
I'm entranced by it
And your sure testimony
Of the Gospel we live
 I'm inspired by it
So... The taste of your name on my lips-
Darling, it's wonderful, and
I could get used to it

So Monday... It was weird.
Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, I woke up between 3 and 3:30, caught the bus at 4:15, rode the bus to the mine, arrived at 5:50, began work at 6, got off at 4, got home about 5:45. And I went to sleep at 9 every night. Mine life is rough. But also VERY cool.

Thursday night, UncleRo, Cad, Kad, Rip, and Zap came through and spent the night, and we partied and played games. It was lovely! Although, this conversation happened.

We were telling them about Hayes visiting, and then--
Cad: Well, did he hit on you?
Me: What?? No!
Cad: Well, I'm just sayin, elders who go back to their missions...
And we laughed it off, and told Cad and everybody else about other missionaries who've served here and come back through...
But OHMYGOSH. I felt SO AWKWARD.
Awkward enough that I wrote another poem about it.

Ahaha AWKWARD
'Scuse me while I laugh
"Did he hit on you?"
Well, NO
But I sorta wish he would have?
And super really don't
Because, what even. WEIRD
But then, I don't know
I like him- and his beard
I think I'm just overromantic
And sort of desperate
I just want to find someone
To make a real connection
But it can wait
I don't need that now
Although that doesn't change
How
You caught me off guard, made me laugh
And PANIC
Ahaha AWKWARD
And I hope no one saw that

So that basically sums up my life in that area. Hayes really IS attractive, but it's ODD... I don't like it. It somehow just feels odd, but there's totally a part of me that's like, "Yeah, go for it! Summer fling before he goes back to college, before you go on a mission... DO IT." And the other part of me's like, "NO. BAD STUPID IDEA."  But nothing will happen anyway, so it's whatever.

Friday, I vegged out all day, and then we had a Youth Conference (my last one!) kick-off dinner/game time.

Today, we went to an amusement park.

Yay Youth Conference!

I'll try to post more next week... This week was weird.

Recognition

Every year, my school does Departmental Awards. What that means is, every teacher/department gets to choose one student (or a few, like one for each year of a language, or multiple from choir) who has excelled, and they get a neat little trophy and a nice little reception all together. I got one freshman year for German I Student of the Year (woot-woo!), but nothing since... And I wasn't expecting one this year, but I was really hoping for a band award. Our director always did four or five (two for jazz band, two for regular band, maybe one for marching...). HOWEVER, he retired last year, which was dramatic, and if I'd been blogging, y'all would've heard about it. So, with our new director this year, I wasn't sure if she was going to do any of these awards.

The reception for that was last Wednesday. I didn't get any awards, which is hey, whate'er, but our band director gave out five or six awards. Rle got one, along with several other really deserving members. And I'm thrilled about that. But I'm also kind of hurt. See, Rle and I were the drum majors this fall together, and we both worked SO hard, to do our best, and to not let the band down. It was a rough time... There were a lot of bumps and bruises this year, just problems with having a new director, and the band pushing limits, and whatnot. And I've spent this whole year backing our director in everything, shooting down negative comments, and saying as much good as I can. So it kinda hurt that Rle got recognised as an outstanding band student and I didn't, like my contributions didn't matter as much as hers or something. I was upset enough that I wrote a poem about it... It's written like I'm speaking to our director.

I'm just gonna take a diva moment

And be a total brat

I know I shouldn't be complaining

But right now, it's where I'm at

It's just, music means so much to me

And I've worked so hard this year

I couldn't help thinking you might

Have wanted me to be here

And I know it shouldn't matter

But there's a part of me that just HURTS

That I didn't get a 'Band Student of the Year'

Even with all my work

Maybe we didn't always agree

On what strategies to use

But I did my best, and every day

I pushed and pulled for you

I fought so many battles

That you didn't see

And I was always defending

Everything that you could be!

So, it just kinda kills me

That you didn't think I mattered

And it shouldn't even phase me

But know that I am shattered.

Yeah. I'm dramatic. But it's kinda how I felt.

So then, this weekend, I found out that I'd been selected as a recipient of an award called the Triple E, which is selected by senior class nomination and teacher deliberation, and is supposed to be based on leadership, academics, and extracurricular participation. I was really excited about it, honestly. I had no idea who else had gotten it, and then tonight was the reception/awards presentation for it. From our class of 350, only 31 people received the award... And I was one of them. It really means a lot to me to receive that.

Now here's the funny part. I have this teacher, Mr. G. I've had him this year for AP U.S. Government and AP Psychology, which were in back to back class periods. He tends to give the students a bad time, tease us a little, and we dish it right back. And I will admit that I haven't always been a stellar student in his classes... I missed school because of cross country in the fall (I got to run, hooray!), and band and choir throughout the whole year, and then from January until March I was dead on my feet because I got to be in Les Miserables (IT WAS AMAZING)... I didn't turn in any notes in either class for all of second semester. And I definitely slept in his class several times. We had a running joke about my sleep deprivation, and about how I've really gone downhill this year, and my work is just suffering. Yep. But I really like Mr. G, and I think he's a great teacher.

So, last week, after all the senior nominations were in, and the teachers had met to discuss who should get the awards... The day after the teacher meeting, Mr. G was talking to me, Rag, and Lah about it, giving us a hard time. He teased Rag about her involvement in Student Council and dance, teased Lah about his grades or something, and then turns to me and says, "I tried to defend you, I really did, but you've just gone so far downhill this year..."
And I said, "Oh, I know, it's awful..."
He said, "But I did my best."
I just laughed, "Okay, Mr. G," and went back to working on my project.
So I thought I didn't get the Triple E.

And then I did!

So, after the presentation, I went to talk to Mr. G.
He puts his hand out for a handshake: "Congratulations!"
Me: "Mr. G! You made me think I didn't get one!"
Mr. G, laughing: "I know. I did that on purpose."
Me, also laughing: "Mr G! That is so mean! You are the worst!"
Mr. G: "The worst? Really?"
Me: "Well, not the worst, but mean..."
Mr. G: "And who do you think nominated you?"
Me: "What?"
Mr. G: "You deserve it."
So then I made him take a picture with me, and then after the picture...
Me: "Thank you so much!"
Mr. G: "Congratulations. You deserve it."

Okay. I seriously almost cried. It really means a lot to me that
1- at least some members of my class think I'm a decent person
2- I have a teacher who would pull that hard for me

I don't know what I did in Mr. G's class, but I am so grateful that he felt like I was worthy of the Triple E. Maybe it doesn't seem like a huge deal, but to be recognised for leadership and academics and extracurriculars... Wow. It honestly means the world to me right now.

Writers Festival, 2015

So, I entered a few poems in the Writer's Festival again this year.

The first one was inspired by... Well, a lot of things. Les Miserables, the Lunar Chronicles by Marissa Meyer, and Revolution by Jennifer Donnelly. And also just a sort of restless feeling, a need for more, to DO something.

Starting A Revolution

I will not be silenced

When I have so much to say

I will not just stand back

My soul cannot be tamed

Do not expect tranquility

From my raging heart

You cannot demand serenity

When I have wars to start

And there’s a revolution

Just waiting to begin

A fire burning in the people

Crackling beneath their skin

And I intend to call them up

The people all will rise

For we are stronger than you know

We won’t be blinded by your lies

But I know we need a leader

So for the people, I stand

I’m not a flawless champion

But I’ll give soul, heart, and hands

There’ll be no more tranquility

From my raging heart

And there is no serenity

For I have a war to start

We will not live under you thumb

For freedom we will fight

You never saw this coming, but

We know our cause is right!

And we will stand for everything

That we know is true

So we will be victorious

When the war is through

And the story will be told again

About our battles and our scars

How we would not be defeated

And we took back what was ours

So come against us

If you dare

You think you’re stronger

But we don’t fear

And we will not be silenced

When we have so much to say

And we will never stand down

Our souls will not be tamed

The second one was inspired by an essay that a girl in my English class wrote. We were assigned to write about home, and she wrote about speaking and performing on stage- something I understand, although I'm singing and acting. And in her essay, she said, "There's a delirium that comes from being on display." That phrase just resonated with me- I think it's absolutely lovely. So I stole it and wrote a poem about living on stage.

Life On Stage

There’s a delirium

That comes

From being on display

A release of inhibition

You feel

When you give your soul away

And it’s a madness

You live

When your heart is found on stage

Oh yes, a delirium

That comes

From being on display

Almost impossible

The high

You can’t get another way

An exquisite torture

You live

Under the lights each day

To taste the delirium

That comes

From being on display

And, cool news, I found out yesterday that Starting a Revolution got selected as one of the honorable mentions, and I got published in our little book again. Yay! :]

Almost Real

So, there is a musical called the Bridges of Madison County, and there is this INCREDIBLE song in it called "Almost Real." It was introduced to me by my voice teacher, G.M.

I'm obsessed with it.

It's an absolutely stunning piece of music, and watching Kelli O'Hara sing it is amazing, because she is SO committed to the character, and there is so much emotion.
Basically it's perfect.

And also.... I can't get over this song, because it expressed something I couldn't- that is, the feeling of being not quite real, overshadowed by and compared to those around you. But this song did for me. In fact-earlier this month I wrote a poem about it...

So, here is my

Almost Real

Almost real... What a feeling
Or, more like a dream
It's silently wishing
When you want to scream
And I didn't expect
To find my story
Or someone to connect
In that girl from Napoli
But I listened to her voice
And I watched her sing
And it wasn't my choice
But I knew she was me!
I was myself mirrored
In the story she sang
And saw myself clearer
In that tragic refrain
Almost real- when you live in shadows
And never can compete
When your friends are all heroes
And you're the deadbeat
You feel like you don't matter
And you have to run away
Before they see you shatter
There has to be some place
Where you won't be compared
To them, you can just feel
But it's too far to get there,
To the dream of being real...
And, forced to doubt yourself
By the superior types
You don't look for help
Of any meaningful kind
Because those closest to you
Somehow make you feel small
Like you could disappear
And they wouldn't notice at all
And so I understand 'Cesca
And so I want to sing
Her song of Italia
Because it's also of me!
And I know the desire,
The horrible need, to feel
Like you're significant:
To be almost real


Yeah. Wow, that's long. But it's how I feel, more often than I'd like. And why this song is everything to me.

Plus, also, it's basically perfect.

Writer's Festival II

So, a while back, I wrote about my county's Writers' Festival. Basically, it's for students kindergarten through twelfth grade, and the three to five best entries from each grade get published in a collection. The authors of the three best entries from each grade get to go to an awards ceremony, where it will be revealed who placed first, second, and third. I thought, "Why not?" and entered a few poems that I LOVE that I've written. It was terrifying for me, though.

I wasn't necessarily expecting anything to come of it, because poetry is judged against prose, there aren't separate categories, and there are a lot of kids in my grade in my county.

BUT.

Today, I got a letter informing me that my poem, "When the Ink Runs Dry" has been selected as a winner in the festival and inviting me and my parents to the awards ceremony!

I'm THRILLED! And surprised! And just, WOW! This is AWESOME for me! I mean, I like my poetry, and sometimes people tell me it's good, but I was not expecting this! It's kind of validating for me, this realisation that other people, people who don't KNOW me, like my poetry! SO COOL. And this is the first piece I'll ever have published!

And the other thing is, I wrote that poem in November, as a free-write for my English class. We write every Friday, and we can share, if we so desire. I really liked "When the Ink Runs Dry" when I wrote it, and every week since, I've debated about sharing, but I never did... Turns out if was WORTH sharing! This is a pretty big moment for me! I'm very excited!

And, just for the record, here it is:

WHEN THE INK RUNS DRY

 What will happen when my pen runs out

When the ink runs dry

And my heart can’t shout

What will I do when the words don’t rhyme

When I lose the meter

And I can’t keep time

What will there be when there’s only discord

When the notes don’t line up

And there’s music no more

My world will crumble when that day comes

Because I live for my poetry

And I live for my songs

My world will be ashes, not even a spark

For I won’t have a soul

And I won’t have a heart

My world will be flat, dark, and grey

When I have nothing to sing

And nothing to say

But I will keep writing as long as I can

As long as a pen

Still lives in my hand

And I will keep singing through endless days

My soul taking wing

Making everything okay

And I will stand, dreading what will come

When the ink runs dry

And I am undone

 So, that's all for today... But yeah. I'm really happy about this! :]