Walking Away From Home

I don't know what to do about the temple lately.

It started the first weekend of April. Friday afternoon before conference, I went up to Salt Lake with a bunch of friends to attend a session in the Salt Lake Temple, which was lovely. I hadn't been to the Salt Lake Temple since the very first time I went through, back in November 2015, so the memories were coming back strong in the best way possible.

And it was such a lovely session, and being in the celestial room with some of my favourite people in the world was incredible. I was feeling all sorts of things.

But then we had to leave. And walking out of that celestial room was almost physically painful to me. Every step away was a deep sorrow in my soul, this feeling like I was leaving something so important behind me and I wasn't going to be back for a very long time.

It was an odd feeling, and a stark contrast to the sense of home and peace and light I feel in the temple.

I... did not love it.

But I didn't dwell too much on it because then it was conference weekend and we were on Temple Square for general conference and it was so wonderful and I was so glad to be there.

But then the next time I went to the temple, it happened again. And it's been happening ever since.

This feeling has almost made me not want to go to the temple, because I don't want to feel so terrible when I leave.

It doesn't seem to matter how frequently I go. Even if I'm there weekly, I break when I leave. I try to go often, because as I said, the temple feels like home and it's light and love and peace for me. But I can't convince the feeling in my chest that I'm coming back, no matter how regularly I go.

It varies in intensity. It's worst when I'm alone. When I have a friend there, they can distract me from the pain of walking away from home again. About two months ago, I was telling my friend Maz about it, after we'd been to the temple together, struggling to explain this void that opens up in me and the way that it hurts to leave the temple.

"Sounds like there's a question you need to be asking, Rose," he said, "What is it?"

"I wish I knew..."

I've been thinking about that a lot.

About what it is that I should be asking. What I need to take to the temple to walk away without feeling like my heart is breaking, my soul is cracking open, like I'm leaving something critical behind me and I'm never coming back.

I'm not sure.

But I felt it again this week when I was there with Gyb.

And it hurts.

19 Years Go By So Quickly

Yeah. It's my birthday. 19 today. (mission, here I come!)
And I just feel retrospective, and I'm going to post some things about myself. (there were going to be 19 originally, but I started this post way too late. so I've got like 10. oh well.)  Things I love, things I've learned, things I'd like to leave behind.... So here we go.

love- READING. I've always been a reader, as long as I can remember. I've lived thousands of lives and been to a million places and books have saved me and inspired me and amazed me and I absolutely love them. The Chronicles of Narnia. The Harry Potter Series. The Books of Bayern. The Cry of the Icemark. The Bartimaeus Trilogy. The Percy Jackson Series. Just to name a few.  I grew up in worlds of ink and paper, with my dad reading us stories and bringing words to life. Reading is amazing.

learn- What other people think doesn't matter. And I don't mean ignore your parents or your very best friend's good advice. What I mean is, it doesn't matter if the girl in your class thinks your pants aren't cute enough or if the boy doesn't laugh at your jokes or if your hair/face/laugh/thing you love/hobby isn't fashionable or whatever else. If you spend your time worrying about pleasing others, it is far too easy to lose yourself in the disaster that high school and society can be. You're the only person who lives with you 100% of every day, and you need to be okay with who you are. And who you are is brilliant and bright.

leave- Insecurity. Because of what I just talked about, I've also realised that insecurity is something I can live without. Yes, it's scary to talk in front of people, and I'm nervous about singing or performing or auditions, and sometimes I may not like the way I look. But letting insecurity eat away at my love for myself is never worth it.

love- MUSIC. I've been singing for as long as I can remember, playing piano since second grade, bassoon since sixth, saxophone since ninth, writing music/songs since eighth grade. And music is a wonder. Ink on a page and creations of wood and metal can change moods, break hearts or mend them, hurt and heal. Music expresses what words cannot, and it is miraculous.

learn- It's okay to be weird. I spent ridiculous amounts of time in high school trying to be less weird than I thought I was. But ya know what? It's beautiful to be passionate about something, whether that's cars or Broadway or painting or calculus. There's no need to shave off the ragged edges of your weirdness, because that's what sets you apart from everyone else, what makes you powerful, worth talking to. Love the thing you love, do that thing you do, and know that you will be all the more interesting because of that. No one ever made history who wasn't called weird at some point.

leave- Toxic people. There are times when you may meet someone who brings you down- they guilt trip you or make you feel bad about yourself, they make you doubt yourself and your abilities, they make you question your worth. Don't let those people take up your time and eat away at your soul. Surround yourself with those who bring you up and encourage you and make you feel valuable and wonderful, because YOU ARE.

love- WRITING. Well, if you've been reading this, you know I write poetry, songs, words. There is something incredibly therapeutic about watching my soul come to life on a paper, organised and beautiful. And writing has been an incredible outlet for me, when I've been sad, lonely, happy, excited, angry, confused... Words are magical.

learn- Life is scary and hard and wonderful. Take chances. There will always be things you can't plan for, and unexpected events, but if you never try, you'll never succeed at anything. You will never know how much you may love something if you don't give it ago, and you will never know how much someone may mean to you if you never say hello. Don't let the things you're afraid of stop you from living.

leave- Unnecessary worry. If you can't change it, don't let it ruin your life. Make the changes you can, but accept that it may rain. Bring your umbrella, and enjoy it. Don't let tiny stresses take the joy out of life.

last, but not least- The Gospel is true and God loves you. That's it. That's the most important thing. I've had times of doubt and been lost, during high school. But the Gospel of Christ always ended up being the only thing that made any sense. And it always will. He will always be there, because He loves you.

Yeah. I guess I've grown up, some. Let's see the next 19?

My Demons Are Coming Out To Play

So I had a lovely moment today.

I got in an argument with my mom, about something I forgot to do, and basically, I shouted that I felt like she was saying I was a slacker, the worst person ever, I can't do anything right, I'm just so awful.

And then she got more upset at me, shouting that she didn't appreciate me saying that, that it made her feel awful that I felt like my mother would automatically assume those things about me.

So, of course, I felt even worse.

And later, we apologised and hugged, and my mom reiterated her point again, asking me not to jump to conclusions about what she thinks, because she doesn't. And I almost started to cry.

Because I said all those things because that's how I felt. That's pretty much how I feel about myself right now. Everything is stacking up on me and just POURING rain. And it's awful.

This week is not really working out for me.



P.S. Dear non-existent readers, I'm sorry. This blog isn't really meant to be a vent fest... It's just somewhere to get my head in order. And this week, that means a vent fest.