It's three a.m. and I'm awake keeping my sister company. I was helping her work on this project, but now there's nothing for me to do... And I'm just AWAKE. Solidarity, I guess.
Seminary starts at 6:15.
I'm going to be SO tired later. It's going to be SO BAD.
I mean, I guess I'm still offering opinions and helpful things like that.
But really. There's not a point in my awakeness.
And the best part is this:
I've never pulled an all-nighter for myself, in all of high school.
WHY AM I AWAKE??
Love.
And a good dose of teenage stupid.
Friday, May 29, 2015
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Before It's Over
So, our choir program does a concert every year called Senior Solo where all the seniors get to perform- solos, duets, group numbers, whatever... It's always a ton of fun, and there are touching moments and silly ones and all sorts of things in between.
Well, today was our Senior Solo concert, and I sang this:
This musical is INCREDIBLE (although language warning-- it's BAD.) But anyhow. I adore this song, and I realised it would be perfect for the senior-growing-up-and-moving-on type idea. Also, I identify with it, way too much-- I wrote about it in this post. Basically, I just feel like I'm always last choice, fading into the background, and that my friends, the people I adore, don't really care if I'm around. It's awful. So when I thought of "Before It's Over" for a senior solo song idea, I knew I HAD to do it. Even if no one else knew exactly how personal it was for me, I knew it had to happen.
So I worked on it, and tonight I sang it, with a friend of mine, Lah, playing piano for me. I felt like it was alright, but not awesome- but then I received so many sincere compliments, telling me that I was wonderful (off-topic segue to another Dogfight song!), and I was sort of blown away. Two girls told me that it just got them, right from the first line- and that they almost cried. And they asked if I wrote it.
Wow.
That statement. I wish I could write music this powerful and moving! But that they thought I could, that I performed it that convincingly...
Wow.
Anyhow. I told them I didn't, and that it's from a musical, but they still seemed so impressed. And then I was telling my family about this conversation, and my mom said that it almost did seem like something I had written, at first.
And I wish I could write like that.
But the other thing is, that's an incredible compliment for me, because it makes me feel like I performed the song the right way. And even though people don't know that I really do identify with the character of Rose in this aspect, and that I really was singing about myself... They felt it.
And I'm so pleased.
And also somewhat astounded.
Music is a powerful, beautiful, wonderful thing, and I am so grateful that I was able to share it, and have it mean something to my audience. :]
Well, today was our Senior Solo concert, and I sang this:
This musical is INCREDIBLE (although language warning-- it's BAD.) But anyhow. I adore this song, and I realised it would be perfect for the senior-growing-up-and-moving-on type idea. Also, I identify with it, way too much-- I wrote about it in this post. Basically, I just feel like I'm always last choice, fading into the background, and that my friends, the people I adore, don't really care if I'm around. It's awful. So when I thought of "Before It's Over" for a senior solo song idea, I knew I HAD to do it. Even if no one else knew exactly how personal it was for me, I knew it had to happen.
So I worked on it, and tonight I sang it, with a friend of mine, Lah, playing piano for me. I felt like it was alright, but not awesome- but then I received so many sincere compliments, telling me that I was wonderful (off-topic segue to another Dogfight song!), and I was sort of blown away. Two girls told me that it just got them, right from the first line- and that they almost cried. And they asked if I wrote it.
Wow.
That statement. I wish I could write music this powerful and moving! But that they thought I could, that I performed it that convincingly...
Wow.
Anyhow. I told them I didn't, and that it's from a musical, but they still seemed so impressed. And then I was telling my family about this conversation, and my mom said that it almost did seem like something I had written, at first.
And I wish I could write like that.
But the other thing is, that's an incredible compliment for me, because it makes me feel like I performed the song the right way. And even though people don't know that I really do identify with the character of Rose in this aspect, and that I really was singing about myself... They felt it.
And I'm so pleased.
And also somewhat astounded.
Music is a powerful, beautiful, wonderful thing, and I am so grateful that I was able to share it, and have it mean something to my audience. :]
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Far-Distant and Unattainable Ideal v. Far Too Close and Far Too Real
Ahahahahahahahaha. I hope Rle doesn't decide to check out my blog and read this post today. Because I'm having a major ramble fest... AND. She'll ask questions.
So here's the deal. I have this sorta crush on this friend of mine, Tev. It's not, like, a huge deal, but... He's great. He's literally the nicest person I know, and he has this amazing, on fire testimony of the Gospel, and he's funny, and he sings, and he's cute... He's cool. But. I definitely just sit over here, with this crush on him, because I don't want to deal with actual like relationships or whatever else. And it's there, but not a huge deal.
So anyhow... Every once in a while, I get a little maudlin, and I just wish I had someone who'd text me. Like, it'd be nice if someone would text me and we could talk about stupid things or big things or nothing or everything. That is ((fact)) one of the only things that I miss about being in a relationship- is having that person you can talk to about everything. And sometimes I just want someone to have a crush on me. It's honestly super ridiculous... But there's that.
So then, there's this.... My friend, Top, had this book that I wanted to read (Ready Player One by Ernest Cline and OHMYGOSH I need to devote a post to it!)... So, last Saturday, he texted me when he was done with it, and then we kinda talked about it for a little... And on Monday, he gave me the book. And I got really excited, and plowed through it in less than two days. It's good. But we'd text while I was reading it, and talking in real life, and UGH.
And I kinda think I might have a crush on Top.
Here's the thing:
While I still admire Tev as one admires a far-distant and unattainable ideal... I think I like Top.
But... There's a catch. I'm not actually sure if I like him or if I just like the attention...
Let me explain.
Top is the kind of guy who just loves girls- if it's got two X chromosomes and is sentient, he'll go for it. And I say that with utmost affection- he's also a genuinely nice guy who respects women. But, Top is so in love with the idea of being in love that if he knows someone likes him, he'll like her too- whether or not he did before, he'll go for her, sincerely. And so I don't know if I actually like Top, or if I just like that if I told him I liked him, odds are, he'd like me back, and things might progress. WHICH I DON'T ACTUALLY WANT, because TOO MUCH COMPLICATION. Except for the part of me that wants someone to hold hands with and hug and kiss... and yeah. So this is the dilemma. Because do I actually like him, or do I just like that he'd like me, and doesn't that mean I'm just doing exactly what he does, and if something happened wouldn't it just be because we both knew the other person would like us if we liked them?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW.
So I've been feeling SO AWKWARD about this for the last week, like, freaking out about talking to Top (do I like him, what is happening, he has cute brown eyes, we geek out hardcore) and then feeling uncomfortable every time Top and Tev happen to be in the same place, and then Rle and my sister and our friend Ini are teasing me about Tev because they know, and I just feel SO AWKWARD.
And like, Sunday, I visited another ward for a mission farewell- I ended up sitting by Tev (freaking out, because he makes me nervous and just want to be a better person) and staring at the back of Top's head, contemplating how nice his hair looked. WHAT EVEN. And then Rle and Ini and I were talking to G.M. and Rle said something about a texting flirtationship Top's got going right now with some girl, and it hurt just a little. WHAT EVEN.
I don't like this and I don't know what to feel about it and I don't know what to think about it and I don't know who to talk to about it and I just don't know what to do AT ALL.
BONUS ROUND: I also know that Top has no problem with making out and whatever else (he's been a little farther than he should have been)....... And if this all went down, that could happen. And I don't think I'm prepared to sign up for that... And then part of me wonders what it would be like to make out with him. Like, is he a good kisser? UGH. What?? Why am I even?
I don't like this. HILF MIR BITTE.
So here's the deal. I have this sorta crush on this friend of mine, Tev. It's not, like, a huge deal, but... He's great. He's literally the nicest person I know, and he has this amazing, on fire testimony of the Gospel, and he's funny, and he sings, and he's cute... He's cool. But. I definitely just sit over here, with this crush on him, because I don't want to deal with actual like relationships or whatever else. And it's there, but not a huge deal.
So anyhow... Every once in a while, I get a little maudlin, and I just wish I had someone who'd text me. Like, it'd be nice if someone would text me and we could talk about stupid things or big things or nothing or everything. That is ((fact)) one of the only things that I miss about being in a relationship- is having that person you can talk to about everything. And sometimes I just want someone to have a crush on me. It's honestly super ridiculous... But there's that.
So then, there's this.... My friend, Top, had this book that I wanted to read (Ready Player One by Ernest Cline and OHMYGOSH I need to devote a post to it!)... So, last Saturday, he texted me when he was done with it, and then we kinda talked about it for a little... And on Monday, he gave me the book. And I got really excited, and plowed through it in less than two days. It's good. But we'd text while I was reading it, and talking in real life, and UGH.
And I kinda think I might have a crush on Top.
Here's the thing:
While I still admire Tev as one admires a far-distant and unattainable ideal... I think I like Top.
But... There's a catch. I'm not actually sure if I like him or if I just like the attention...
Let me explain.
Top is the kind of guy who just loves girls- if it's got two X chromosomes and is sentient, he'll go for it. And I say that with utmost affection- he's also a genuinely nice guy who respects women. But, Top is so in love with the idea of being in love that if he knows someone likes him, he'll like her too- whether or not he did before, he'll go for her, sincerely. And so I don't know if I actually like Top, or if I just like that if I told him I liked him, odds are, he'd like me back, and things might progress. WHICH I DON'T ACTUALLY WANT, because TOO MUCH COMPLICATION. Except for the part of me that wants someone to hold hands with and hug and kiss... and yeah. So this is the dilemma. Because do I actually like him, or do I just like that he'd like me, and doesn't that mean I'm just doing exactly what he does, and if something happened wouldn't it just be because we both knew the other person would like us if we liked them?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW.
So I've been feeling SO AWKWARD about this for the last week, like, freaking out about talking to Top (do I like him, what is happening, he has cute brown eyes, we geek out hardcore) and then feeling uncomfortable every time Top and Tev happen to be in the same place, and then Rle and my sister and our friend Ini are teasing me about Tev because they know, and I just feel SO AWKWARD.
And like, Sunday, I visited another ward for a mission farewell- I ended up sitting by Tev (freaking out, because he makes me nervous and just want to be a better person) and staring at the back of Top's head, contemplating how nice his hair looked. WHAT EVEN. And then Rle and Ini and I were talking to G.M. and Rle said something about a texting flirtationship Top's got going right now with some girl, and it hurt just a little. WHAT EVEN.
I don't like this and I don't know what to feel about it and I don't know what to think about it and I don't know who to talk to about it and I just don't know what to do AT ALL.
BONUS ROUND: I also know that Top has no problem with making out and whatever else (he's been a little farther than he should have been)....... And if this all went down, that could happen. And I don't think I'm prepared to sign up for that... And then part of me wonders what it would be like to make out with him. Like, is he a good kisser? UGH. What?? Why am I even?
I don't like this. HILF MIR BITTE.
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