This Is Going Well...

Today was... A day.

I'm in the big choir at my school, and we're leaving on Wednesday for a competition in Orlando, Florida. 

We'll also be doing an exchange concert at Stetson University, 

eating dinner at Medieval Times, 

going to Universal Studios with a parkhopper pass to include Islands of Adventure 

AND The Wizarding World Of Harry Potter, 

Kennedy Space Center,

Cocoa Beach and Ron Jon's, 

and Disneyworld, with parkhopper passes to include the Animal Kingdom 

and Epcot. It's gonna be pretty cool!

Also, Elsa and Anna will be in Switzerland every two hours... :D

However, as a choir, I don't feel like we're ready for this competition... It's gonna be sort of an adventure.

But this is about today in my choir class. My teacher basically lectured the alto section (my section) about the "power struggle" we're apparently having and over-singing and how no one person can carry the section and it has to be a team effort, and that we better figure ourselves out. She also said that she wouldn't single anyone out in front of the choir, but she WOULD set up a meeting at a later date with the offending student(s) and their parents.

 Pause.

 Maybe this doesn't seem like a big deal, but to me it was 

HUGE.

Music means more to me than almost anything in the world, and I take it very seriously. And my director's comments worry me because I am LOUD. And I know that. And I know that sometimes I have a problem with oversinging... But I work very hard not to, and I don't think I have been... But I can't always tell.

And according to our director, there's also animosity in the also section, and that shows in the way we sing... I guess we all secretly hate each other or something? I dunno... It bums me out, because I honestly like all the girls in my section- they're AWESOME.

But, the thing is, I've already had problems this year... Been called into the director's office once and lectured... I left in tears. It was pretty stupid actually, a misunderstanding with my section leaders that they felt they needed to talk to our director about instead of resolving it with me.

So I'm worried that our director thinks I want to be section leader, and I don't respect my section leaders, and that I oversing. I'm worried I'm one of the problems in my section. And that TERRIFIES me. And I left that class this afternoon almost in tears, because I'm that worried.

And this was all compounded by show choir rehearsal this afternoon. She was getting on a group of us for singing a note wrong, and the whole time she was staring directly at me, because I was wrong two weeks ago. But I've fixed it! And I know I'm singing it right!

So I think I'm on the Bad List this year, and I'm so worried... Because she's kicked people out of choir before... And it would absolutely devestate me if that happened. Eeek.

On the plus side, Florida! ... Ha. :/

Music Is Lovely

I basically just keep listening to four songs on repeat, and they are my life right now.

Say Something, by A Great Big World,

(although I don't particularly care for her in this song, I love the harmonies)

AND I really LOVE the Pentatonix cover.

Laughter, by AcoustiMandoBrony.

Alone, by Hirosashii.

Invisible, by Hunter Hayes.

Two really sad songs, and two that are optimistic and heal my hurting soul a little bit. But I'm still having a rough go of it.

And that is my contribution for today.

My Demons Are Coming Out To Play

So I had a lovely moment today.

I got in an argument with my mom, about something I forgot to do, and basically, I shouted that I felt like she was saying I was a slacker, the worst person ever, I can't do anything right, I'm just so awful.

And then she got more upset at me, shouting that she didn't appreciate me saying that, that it made her feel awful that I felt like my mother would automatically assume those things about me.

So, of course, I felt even worse.

And later, we apologised and hugged, and my mom reiterated her point again, asking me not to jump to conclusions about what she thinks, because she doesn't. And I almost started to cry.

Because I said all those things because that's how I felt. That's pretty much how I feel about myself right now. Everything is stacking up on me and just POURING rain. And it's awful.

This week is not really working out for me.



P.S. Dear non-existent readers, I'm sorry. This blog isn't really meant to be a vent fest... It's just somewhere to get my head in order. And this week, that means a vent fest.

Writer's Festival

So, my county does a Writer's Festival- kids in every grade, K-12, can enter poetry or prose, and then the best three to five entries from each grade get published. And my teacher talked me into entering. TERRIFYING.

But I thought I'd share with you guys [my non-existent reader base] the poems I entered.

SOOOOOoooooo here they are...

I wrote this one last... April sometime, and it's one of my all-time favourite pieces that I've done.

WRITING ME

 My soul beats with music, with meter and rhyme

And I can't just stop it, I'm always in time

And there's something in me that needs to create

To sit down and watch my words fill up a page

Or to lay my heart bare, black and white

With words or with music, either is right

And though I can't control it, I'm not letting go

For I live for the music, I live for the poems

It's my scream when I'm angry, my cry when I'm hurt

My laughter when happy, my fears of the worst

My innermost secrets for all to see

For when I write, what I'm writing is me

All that I feel, the words I can't say

But that I can't keep silent, day after day

And so I write, for it's perfect to free

All that's inside, so that I can just... be

And I wrote this one this November, and looking it over, realised it felt like a companion to Writing Me, like they belong together.

WHEN THE INK RUNS DRY

 What will happen when my pen runs out

When the ink runs dry

And my heart can’t shout

What will I do when the words don’t rhyme

When I lose the meter

And I can’t keep time

What will there be when there’s only discord

When the notes don’t line up

And there’s music no more

My world will crumble when that day comes

Because I live for my poetry

And I live for my songs

My world will be ashes, not even a spark

For I won’t have a soul

And I won’t have a heart

My world will be flat, dark, and grey

When I have nothing to sing

And nothing to say

But I will keep writing as long as I can

As long as a pen

Still lives in my hand

And I will keep singing through endless days

My soul taking wing

Making everything okay

And I will stand, dreading what will come

When the ink runs dry

And I am undone

So I guess we'll see how this all turns out. YIKES! :D

For real, though. This is terrifying for me... My poetry is such a deep, private part of my soul... Sharing it SCARES me to no end. So I'm taking big steps here. :]

P.S. Yep! That's two posts today!

Things Aren't Getting Better?

This year. This freaking year. I just don't know what to do with it.

I think the only positive things have been my family and the Gospel. Which, are aboslutely incredible and I am SOOO grateful for them!

But today I'm gonna have a pity party. Because today this is what's happening.

So, this post? Taking Things Personally? I wrote it a bit ago about this school year and how basically I just feel like no one needs me or even wants me around... But maybe I'm overreacting and taking everything personally?

Well. I just feel like junk. Because this is still going on. I'm everyone's last choice. Our choir is going on another trip, we have to set up rooms for it, and again, no one thought of me. Some of the people I'd call my best friends, and they don't think to ask if I'd like to room with them. One friend of mine was bemoaning her lack of a room, because someone else reneged on a promise, and I said, "You could room with me!" and three seconds later, she was saying, "I don't have a room, oh, what to do, woe is me!"

THAT HURT, OK??? And maybe it seems like I'm overreacting but I don't feel like it. Because this is this whole year for me.

I'm always left out.
I'm always asking, "What's going on? What's exciting?"
I'm not anyone's first choice.

And on most days, like today, I feel like no one cares about me.

No one would notice
                                      if
                                            I
                                                  was...
                                                                gone.

And for the girl who loves people, who wants to help everyone, who craves friendship and companionship and love, that hurts.

This year is killing me, little by little.

Hopefully next year will be better.... :(

I STAND ALL AMAZED

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,
That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,
That he should extend his great love unto such as I,

Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify. 
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt.
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat,
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet. 
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

Text and music: Charles H. Gabriel, 1856-1932 

This is one of my absolute, very favourite hymns. Has been since I was about twelve, I think. It's so powerful and moving and absolutely true. This Sunday, I was privileged to attend a morningside by the BYU Young Ambassadors, about how God loves and knows each person individually. IT WAS AMAZING. The Spirit filled up that room like CRAZY! And they opened with an INCREDIBLE arrangement of this song. The morning side was exactly what I needed. :]